National Post Article

You want fresh Humble Howard news? You got it! This commentary hasn't even hit the National Post yet.

You're sitting next to some stiff at a dinner party, obviously these are your wife's or husbands "friends". You have nothing in common and they've just told you some vapid tale of their child's budding acting career or who they can't stand at work or worse, they're drunk and start to yell at you about how you've never seemed to like them. (true)

How Can You Save This Conversation? Simple. Ask how much they paid for their house and what it's worth now. All over Toronto this is the magic talk-bullet that will invariably set our tongues to wagging.

"Well, we bought in the upper beaches in 94 for 325,000 then flipped it in 99 for 475 then we bought a semi near Mount Pleasant for 510 and now it's worth 1.2 million!"

Huh?

Why does it seem that everyone has made a killing on their house but you?

Question two. How can some 1300 foot home really be worth over a million dollars?

Nothing gets the chatter going in any part of the city faster than our collective nest eggs. Even now, when we've just had a year of rising interest rates and prices starting to stabilize, we love to talk about the fact that our shacks are worth 60, 70 or even 100 percent more than we paid for them. Just ask us. Of course the fine print of these conversation may be a little darker, like the fact that the house owner may have a huge mortgage and is really only kind of renting the space. I wonder what the average home owner owns on his house versus their mortgage. I call some nice people at CMHC.

Me: Hi nice people, what does the average home owner own on his house versus their mortgage?

CMHC: I'm not allowed to comment, but you can speak to Ed Heese.

Me: Ed Heese, excellent, he sounds like he'd know a thing or two!

Ed: Who are you and what do you want?

Ed actually didn't say that. In fact Ed is about the nicest smart guy you could talk to.

He tells me that nearly 65 percent of us are home owners and of that almost half of us own all our homes!

Wow, says I to Ed Heese.

I suspect a lot of us dream of building up equity in our homes, selling it for huge and then buying down in some smaller market like Peterborough or Kitchener or one of those places that is Way The Hell and Gone. Oh sure, we sell our 850 square foot house near High Park for 1.2 million and buy a mansion in some hick town like Saskatoon or Markham for 60 grand and retire on the rest.

I call my real estate agent John Bald, a tall Arian-looking fellow with far too much hair that I suspect we've always used because my wife thinks he's handsome.

Me: Hello John, do all your clients' wives think you're cute?

John: What can I do you for? (He didn't say this but it's the way I think a lot of Real Estate Agents talk).

Me: If I sell my house and downsize to say Hamilton what would the difference in a similarly priced house be?

John: Maybe a couple hundred thousand less!

Me: How about if I move back to Toronto.

John: You could buy one of those semi-detached babies that are about 8 feet wide!

Me: Seriously! (He really did say "babies!")

John: Are you asking me this because you got fired?

They always say that the biggest purchase most of us will make in our lives is our homes so I guess it makes sense that we get the most excited talking about it. By the way I figured out that if sell my house in Oakville and move back in with my dad in Moose Jaw I'd feel like a complete ass no matter how much money I saved!