March 2007 Archives

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No Time, Must go sell the Slime

Hey Yall.
For the next 3 days we'll be at Life Fest, a big time chick show at the Metro Convention centre.
Drop by and say hi to me and Jane Fonda.
I won't have much time to blog so have a great weekend.
Maybe I put something up late Saturday.

Don't forget The Masters starts in less than a week and it's never too late to start cleaning your
Tiger Woods good luck charms.
Certainly I'm not the only one that has them?
Oh.
We'll discuss this further Monday.

Category: HumbleStuff

Posted by Humble on March 30, 2007 @ 07:39 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Week 10 and Team Teal goes out with a whimper and a Pizza!

One last game and the Team Teal season is over. It was a great first half and then we went into some kind of dream state, because all hell broke loose and we got our butts smoked.
Team Red, which is coached by this sexy tall women and some dude who knows all the "rules", beat us 11-5!
11-5 is not our typical game considering we've been 4-3 over the final 7 games.

To tell you the truth I don't care about the score. We were outplayed in the second half but that's sports and stuff happens.
I just want to say for the record(not that there is a record) that I have thoroughly enjoyed this soccer coaching thing. Seriously. It has been a great experience for me and I hope the girls have had a laugh or two along the way.
I yell quite a bit but very often what I'm yelling is just stupid.
I think the girls like that.

I was very proud to be Team Teal's coach and I think if you go back and read my entries about soccer coaching you'll see the kids really got wayyyyyyyyyy better as the season progressed.
(Just go to the right side of the page, click on "Archives" and then click on "Soccer Coaching")
I'm not taking any credit mind you, I just think this is a great group of kids and I really liked being part of this experience.

After the game we had Pizza!
Since this was the end of the Winter Indoor Season we made arrangements to grab a slice and hang out for a few minutes after. It was nice as I got to tell the kids how proud I was to be their coach and how awesome I thought they were.
Later they gave me a box of Pizza Crusts. They are funny too. I shall cherish those crusts as long as I live.
Goalie Nicole's mom Toni gave me a nice bottle of Pinot that I'm sipping on now. Thanks T your and your kid are both very very nice.
My daughter Charlie whom I quite like, sort of surprised me with a home-made card when I got home. (Yes I got sort of weepy...that's what Dad's do!)

Over the past 3 months I've mentioned many of my players occasionally, if you don't mind I'd like to introduce you to all the player of Team Teal.
Therese,(whose name I quite never pronounced correctly) Goalie Rachel,(Saved our bacon all the time) Other Rachel,(very sweet and nice) Goalie Nicole(she thinks I'm weird, mom is very cool.) Amanda (very intense and most improved) Abigail(amazing kid, very nice parents) Danielle,(Coach Patrick's kid, he's weird, she's nice) Nutty Nicole, (very odd, probably grow up to be CEO of Microsoft)
Jenna (very cool also very good) Kaitlyn(sweet and much improved) Deana( Dee Dee, amazing skill, great kid) and Charlie.

Charlie as you know is my daughter, love of my life and a pretty decent player.(scored 6 goals in one game and 3 goals twice. Yes I'm bragging.)
The reason I coached is because she wanted me to and if she asked me to do it again I would.

Category: Soccer Coaching

Posted by Humble on March 30, 2007 @ 07:38 | Permalink | Comments (1)

This weekend the Slime is on the road again. LifeFest is this big-time Chick consumer show and I'm hopeful this will be the one. Of course I always think that. I just know we'll sell many many books and the whole thing will be an amazing experience.
Of course I also thought my morning show would eventually catch on too.

My wife and I laugh a lot about a lot of different things. Nothing makes us laugh to tears like this trade show thing.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's the hours of standing there under blinding florescent lights, feet aching, talking to thousands of people, saying the same things over and over again.
All I know is it makes us giddy and we laugh our heads off.

Maybe it's the things people say to us.
-"I don't need to buy your book I could have written it!'
-"My boyfriend's not a Slime."
-"I'm not into Male-bashing!"
-"Were you the Sock?"

The Leafs are getting close to making the playoffs. I've already said I'm not really a Leaf Fan, but my buddy Mike Boon is so for his sake I hope they squeak in. Funny how sports will make a buddy do that for another bud.
I'm sure he'd want Tiger to win the Masters as well.
Doesn't everybody?

I've been on a cleanse now for the last 7 days. I need to lose about 11 more pounds before my hernia operation in May. Long story that I'll elaborate on later.
The point is it seems that the key to my weight loss is simple.
STOP EATING CRAP.
That's all.
If I cut out fries, giant portions, massive dim sum feasts, chocolate covered almonds, eating what my kids don't and not downing half a bottle of red wine with dinner...I'm gold.
One week almost 4 pounds. Seriously.
I call it The Stop Eating a bunch of Crap diet plan. Feel free to try it.

So I'm working away here at the International headquarters of Humblehoward dot com when my eldest daughter Charlie wanders into my office.

"Father, I quite enjoyed the video from Ok Go that you showed me yesterday, after I was done with my studies and helping the poor," She remarked.

"I can't decide if I should be a Surgeon or a research Scientist or both," She exclaimed.

Okay it wasn't quite like that, there wasn't nearly as much remarking, exclaiming and retorting, but she wanted to download the CD. (legally from itunes)
I told her that if she wrote me an e-mail telling me why I should give it to her I'd consider it.
Here in all it's MSN glory is that note. It's basically a bunch of kissing up but hey it worked when we were kids.

Dear father(a.k.a not hideous looking man and man that can embarrass me whenever he wants.(suree)) I like to embarrass her and tell her not to look at me cause I'm so hideous compared to her-this is true.

Here are some reasons why i should get the Ok,Go CD...and i hope u like them cause im about to run out of ideas. This is strange because she just got started!

-i am an ah-mazing kid.
True.

- u r an ah-mazing father
Also true. Notice the Suck-Up Train pulling out of the station.

-maybe if i have the CD..i can lisin to it instead of ah-noy u(and maybe i wont get slapped tonite)
She means annoying and I don't slap her. Often. Also note in the MSN world "lisin" seem to be short for "listen?"

-also maybe i can lisin to it instead of dance to boys(hah like that will ever happen, boys or music--hmmm BOYZZ)(although that doesn't meen i wont lisin to it alot cuz u no i will)
This refers to a event she went to where she slow-danced with a boy. This I found disconcerting for a number of reasons. A)Slow-dancing. B)With a boy.

-because i always do wat u say ..and lisin to u..and clear the table after dinner....
No. No. Sometimes.

Of course I had to give it to her. Daughters are like Kryptonite for Daddies. We are mostly powerless. When I meet a guy that's just had a baby girl I always give the same advice.
"Practice saying NO!"

Sanjaya is the funniest.
Sanjaya is the man?
Sanjaya is not going home? WTF?
Sanjaya is YOUR NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Why the hell not? Whether he goes or stays this video from Smooth E (comic Eric Shwartz)
is funny.
Checkitout.

Man, one of my kids must have put some shrooms in my supper last night cause I had this bizarre dream that Sanjaya was still on American Idol.
Isn't that funny?
I know, I know, it's not possible because, well he can't sing, but I dreamt it just the same.
This differed form my normal dream where I'm running naked through
StarBucks chasing after Lucy Lui.

In the dream Sanjay Malakar was on stage and his hair was done up in a bunch of pony tails.
Yeah.
And it looked like a giant mow-hawk.(mo-hawk?)
What's up with that?
He sang some song which sort of sucked but he never got voted off!
Maybe I need to see someone.

This news is 3 months old but I thought you should know.
He and I have been friends since 1978 and I'm so happy for him it's as though I had a job too.
Okay, not quite but close.
Lumby has wanted back in the business for some time and it seems this new gig is a great fit.

He's the new morning guy at Dave Fm in Kitchener/Cambridge and things are going very well.
He's got lots of fans in the area and he is replacing the Ben and Jerry show which is now on the air at Jack Fm. I don't know if they're any good but I like their ice cream very much. Especially crunchy monkey.

This is a link to his MySpace page. Check out some of his on-air "bits" especially his CSI impression, very funny/good.
Give my pal a listen if you can, or turn him on at home. (The streaming comes in very nicely.)

The last time I was out of a gig he gave me a hand so who knows, I may end up as his valet and driver yet again.

YouTube had a contest and some very creative peeps showed up. See how I make my 47 year-old self seem hip?
YouTube and Peeps in the same sentence. You'd think I was 45, maybe 44 tops.

Anyway check the whole bunch out for yourself here.
They are all good but here's a couple of my favorites. Or Favs if I'm being my hip 44 year-old self.

This Band's video is amazing. I also like the tune, very old-school Edge, very Elvis Costello.

This won for best series. It's called Ask a Ninja. Simple concept, very funny.
Dam why didn't I think of Ask a Ninja?

Yes I like the YouTube, No I don't just throw it on my site cause it's easy content.
Okay maybe just a bit.
But it's one of my destinations most days and I can usually find something to amuse myself in between making phone calls and trying to look busy. (How am I doing? Do I look busy to you?)

My pal Tim likes to send me links to cool musicians and this dude is amazing.
I've never seen anyone make the fiddle look cooler.
Dig it.

In our continuing effort to improve customer relations here at HH.com, I think it's important that all readers be up to speed and feel right at home with the content and so-called "humour"
Here are the archived Q+A's.
Here too.
If you have any questions send them to Humble@Humblehoward.com.

How long have you been out of work? Shut up.
Okay, are you looking for work now? By looking do you mean going to hot yoga classes with my wife?
No. Then no.
Do you have a lot of projects on the go? Yes. I'm writing a movie based on my life as a Morning Man called "The Suckshank Redemption. I'm also writing a self-help book called The Secret Under-arm Deodorant. As well I've recently given birth to an imaginary baby named Rex.
Ha Ha, was that some of your "humour?" Yes. Everything except the baby.
Do you miss being on the Radio? No but I miss being inside it.
Will you ever be on TV again. Yes but only the one at my house.
Aren't you ever serious? Yes. Here this is my serious face.
You look like your making a bowel movement. That's my serious face. Here it is again.
Are you making a bowel movement? No. Don't be absurd.
Where are you going? I, uh have to go change Rex.

CBC's top comic duo just a joke

Chris Zelkovich doesn't like the Don and Ron show. Read the whole mess here.

Well too bad. He thinks that The Corp made a mistake using them to promote HNIC (which they just re-signed) because
A)Ron Maclean is a bad interviewer.
B)Don Cherry is a redneck.
C)A is wrong, B is Duh.

Ron is just the finest guy/broadcaster you could know. So no discussion Chrissy.
Don's act got old a long time ago but Zelko-Man everyone knows that and yet everyone still watches. So of course CBC is going to highlight them to drive more viewers to the program.
I get that they aren't the only reason people tune in, but they're as close to big time stay-at-home TV stars that we have.

"What's your problem?" I wondered.
"What's your problem?" My wife asked me.
Apparently I had wondered out loud.

Chris says, Ron's is a horrible interviewer and Don Cherry is a Right-Wing redneck. No and so what?
Of course Chris writes for the Toronto Tzar and obviously believes that no one should be a star.
I'd like to hear him interview someone or carry 5 minutes of National TV.
Uh, no.

As I was reading I thought CK must have some other agenda in his jeans and sure enough there it was right at the end of the article.

What this was doing on the public network in the year 2007 is something CBC executives should be asking themselves the next time they use this pair to promote their most profitable franchise.

Aw that's it. He doesn't like them (He's left-they're Not) and thinks the CBC should be more careful with the Public Airwaves.(Power to the People-whatever.)
Sure, then explain the Air Farce.

While I was away I received many nice e-mails, but none as great as the one from Mr. Idris Mustafa.
He needs me to do him simple favor and he'll give me $600, 000.
I like Mr. Idris Mustafa.

The day can be summed up thusly(yes I threw out thusly):
First he was great-Then he putted like crap-Then some guy named Brett almost caught him.

I've never seen him miss as many shortish putts or be as weak on his distance control on the greens. It proves only this: He can shoot 73 and sort of suck in the last round of a tourney and still win.
I like watching Tiger win.
Tiger winning is fun for me in a way it must have been fun to be a Leaf Fan when they used to win all the time. You know back when cars had no seat belts.

The best part of it was the way he finished.
Last hole, 3 shot lead. Lays up with iron off the tee, lays up with iron for his second, makes bogey and goes home. End of story.
I have written about this before in terms of what Phil Mickelboobs did last year at the U.S. Open on hole 72. (See complete meltdown coverage here)

Tiger said if I make 5 I can't lose and that's what he did. He didn't lose. Which as many of us know is called winning. He won for the 56th time on the PGA tour (more around the world), he won his 13th WGC event and even more amazing, he also became the first player to three-peat in five different events! That's ridiculous.

It was an ugly win to be sure but he leaves with the victory and in a pretty good frame of mind on his way to The Masters.
Funny, so am I. Soon it will be time to get out my Tiger Woods bobble-head, my TW Wheaties box and official Tiger U.S. Open golf balls.
Yes I know that is pathetic but it's The Masters and that's just how me and El Tigre roll.

I saw the promos for it during the Tiger win at Doral yesterday (see Tiger Wins Ugly) and I got curious.
The premise is great.
Take famous actors and have them enter a scene where they have no idea whats going on. After they enter they hear the line "Thank God Your Here" and then the fun begins.

It's based on an Australian show (also called Thank God Your Here) and I'm betting it's going to be a huge hit. The American stars I saw in the promo included Wayne Knight(Newman from Seinfeld), Jason Alexander, The Nanny Chick(?), Jennifer Coolidge(you'd know her from all those Waiting for Guffman style Flix) and Fred Willard.
David Allen Grier is the host and Dave Foley from Kids in the Hall is some kind of judge.

The whole thing is one of those "Damm I wish I would have thought of that but I was too busy watching Tiger win again" type of things.

Randee and I are a little on the low side after our big cruise, so I've been trying to look forward to some things on the horizon.
In no particular order.

Randee's off to Vegas for a dirty girls weekend with her friend Carol. I don't know what these chicks do when they're "On the Road" but I imagine it involves a lot of white wine and then some kind of Girl Play and Tongue-Kissing. My wife thinks I'm disgusting but I'm a guy and that's how we think.

My holy week is coming. Not Easter or Passover but The Masters. I love this tournament and of course I will be hoping Tiger wins. Sorry I don't care if you think he's bad/good for the game or not, I just think it's cool when he's in contention and even better when he wins. My Dad liked Tiger too but truthfully he was a bigger Weir fan.

The Slime that Men Do is on the road again. This coming weekend is our last trade show, something called "Life Fest". This is a big chick show at the Metro convention centre and I have a feeling we're going to move lots of Slime. Of course I thought the same about all the Wedding Shows we did, but I think this could be the one. The book is doing okay and we've got some plans to take it to the States, but this will be the last live sales push until the Fall.

Finally, and this is going to be weird, I'm looking forward to bulk collection day. Seriously.
This week we received The Oakville Bulk Collection 2007 Schedule and our day us June 9.
I don't know if you TO people have this but the city let's you put all your crap out on the curb and they take it away. Actually if it's any good, people drive by and grab it themselves.

I'm excited for a couple of reasons.
A)We won't have to have a garage sale.(The last one actually cost me money on an effort vs return basis.)
B)I'm in the mood to purge our basement of a bunch of stuff. My wife thinks this is comical because she claims we don't have anything down there to get rid of, but we do.

So there.
Sure nothing in there is actually a job but I know there's one out there in the future for me too.
Maybe I could get a gig with the Oakville Bulk Collection dudes.

Space shuttle Discovery astronaut Lisa Nowak, left, holds her daughter Katrina, centre, as she signs autographs during a homecoming ceremony on July 18, 2006 in Houston. Nowak's son Alexander is at right.

This picture was obviously taken before Mama went cookoo and drove across the country in a diaper.
I feel bad for this lady.
She is way smart, intelligent, above average physically and has achieved at the highest level, yet all that will be wiped away by The Diaper.
This Women left the planet, went out in freaking space and came back.
Amazing.
You go a little nuts just once, drive to Florida in a jealous rage wearing a diaper and that's all anyone will ever remember.
Too bad cause she really is a special person.

Of course everyone's question would be...Why?
Yes you would be able to drive straight through and not go pee pee or poo poo but didn't she have to stop for gas? Was it some kind of Space Diaper that turns your waste into fuel?
I'll bet that's what it was.
See, that's why you and I aren't astronauts.

By the way, if you ever hear about me going nuts and driving somewhere, I promise I'll either stop and do 1 and 2 when I get gas or I'll just make in my pants. After all, if your going to go off your rail, I say go all the way.

"Yeah apparently he drove straight across the country and saved time by going to the bathroom in his pants!"

Ouch. That was a squeaker. Tight, Tense, Taut, Tongue-Wagging Team Teal Soccer.
Only we lost.
Yes even TT can be beat. Hey, Tiger finished 22nd last week so anything is possible.

2-1 and Team Sort of Yellow can be proud of their victory over TT because they earned it.

Team SoY came out great guns and shut down the Big Teal machine in the first half grabbing an early 1-0 lead. Back and forth play and then some inspired scoring from Crazy Nicole tied things up. Goalie Nicole played her usual stellar game and Goalie Rachel stood tall in the second half only giving up 1 as well.
The coaches kid was double-teamed at times (a nice compliment!) and was held scoreless for the first time in a long while....even Dee Dee and Abby couldn't find the twine. Great game from Kaitlen on defense and Danielle looked good as well, running down several SoY's and cutting off the rushes.
In the end it was a fun game to watch and I came close to shrieking on several occasions.
My colleague, Coach Patrick, even got a little freaky with excitement a few times which is cool as he rarely speaks above a whisper.

Game notes.
Team SoY's coaches Rob and Ed seemed to know what they were doing. Although I suspect some sort of "payoff" as the ref called almost every play, no matter who was the last to touch it as 'YELLOW BALL!"
Coaches Rob and Ed deny this but I'm pretty sure I saw them in the parking lot after the game handing over big bags of dough to the ref. Or maybe I just imagined it. (I really couldn't see through the tears)

The family and I are back in Toronto and I'll try to just throw out some highlights.
We've never been on a cruise and it was amazing. I wrote about it below so I won't go into the same details again. Suffice it to say, it was as good as I've heard and better than I expected.
Had one woozy day at sea but that could have been margarita/martini/mohito related.

-Mexico has been getting a bad rap lately but in all my time there including last week, I've never had anything but great experience with the food, the water and the people.

-Grand Cayman is smaller than Brampton, has 50 banks and more money than Alberta.
Also nice people and great snorkeling.

While on the Explorer of the Seas I ran into one of the smartest/funniest comics I ever had the pleasure of working with (back in the day) John Wing. He got on the boat about 3/4 of the way through and we shot the breeze and then we all went to his show. He is truly one of the funniest people most non-comedy fans haven't heard of. You know what I mean.

Quick note. Big ship didn't have as many RFA's as I was expecting. (Really Fat Americans). I mentioned in an earlier post that size of ship may disguise typical American Obese, but in retrospect, it was a fairly svelte group overall and my goo fit in quite nicely.

Quick note part 2. In my whole life I've never had luggage misplaced or lost. Till now.
Trip from To -Fort Lauder-Oy through Atlanta. Half the bags lost. Show up next day.
Trip To Toronto from Fort Lauder-Oy, through Cincinnati, flight delayed switched to New York and 60% of luggage lost and still waiting for it's arrival. Kind of funny, we're home but our luggage is still on vacation.
Okay not funny, but something.

Finally, even though I've been in 5 different countries in the last 10 days and have fallen behind on certain Global Events (I have no idea what's doing with the Anna Nicole Smith thing except I think that a judge is going to decide if I'm the baby's daddy!) I have caught up to the Big Joke that is Sanjaya.
Nice kid, freaky good hair, sings wors than me.
I know all about Votefortheworst.com but they've been around for a while.
So what's the deal? The ethnic vote? The little girls/boys who relate and really like him?
My theory. The producers are keeping him around because he is so aggravatingly bad that people are tuning in just to be all outraged about him remaining. It's like wrestling. People love to hate.
He can't win, but he does make it interesting to watch. That and to see Simon bitch-slap Randy and Paula without them knowing.

In case you missed it here is Sanjaya's singing Kinks including Crying Girl.
This kid isn't freaked out at seeing her tweener-crush, she's literally crying cause Sanjy's so Danged Awful.

My Pal Thom from DHL, a big time shipping company, likes to take time away from his grown-up job and send me little tidbits for HH.com.
Thank you Thom(as), I'll often say.
Teach me how to ship things, I'll ask.
Can I be your highly-paid assistant, I' sometimes beg.

#1) A rat in a trap being humped from behind.

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#2)Idiots of 06
Similar to The Darwin Awards and mostly cheesy, but a couple are somewhat amusing.
Enjoy.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the
street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOTIC ROBBERS
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

SCOTCH MAKES EVERYONE AN IDIOT
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle
of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

Today a fresh batch of HH.com and my pals Tim and Thom having been sending me some nice stuff that I can put up and share with you.
To start with more from our Ain't Humans Amazing category.
This dude's name is Bob Kilgore and even if you don't like guitar you'll dig the way this guy plays it.

For something wayyyyyy different.
This is what the kids call "beatboxing!" It seems to involve making noises with your mouth.
When my kids make funny mouth noises we often tell them to be quiet. But this guys parents must have been much more encouraging.
I mean he's good and all, but in the middle part it's really nothing more than continual fart sounds. As though that were a bad thing?

I'm off the ship and in Boca Raton.
Boca Raton is North of Fort Lauderdale and is home to many of my Hebrew Homies.
Oy.
You hear a lot of Oys round these parts.

We got off the cruise Sunday morning and not a moment too soon. I gained 73 pounds in a week due mainly to eating every minute that I wasn't sleeping.
The food was amazing and the experience was out of this world.
The damm ship is so big it's hard to put it into perspective. When I'm back home I'll upload some shots. Let's just put it this way. The boat has a theatre the size of the Hummingbird, a restaurant the size of 4 Mandarins, a Mall, a Casino and a full-blown health club. I walked by there many times.
Hey the Ship is so big you hardly noticed the acres of RFA's, (Really Fat Americans) of which there many and now I am one.
I need to go on a fast fast.

I love the fact that we had never done this cruise thing before and it's sad that it's now over.
My kids and wife and I had a riot and I would do it again and easily reccomend it.
In the meantime, we're here hanging with the Bub's (Hebe for GrandMa) and digging the last few days of our vacation.
I have to go now as it's been about 17 minutes since I last ate and I'm starting to feel weak.
Oy.

Hi.
I'll have to make this brief as I'm paying by the second for this computer!
I'ts Friday, and we've just arrived off the coast of Grand Cayman. This cruising thing is Awesome.

You go to bed(or pass out) and you wake up in a different place each day.
The Ship is the Explorer of the Seas-google it. It's a freak show.
Pools, bars, tons of food, an ice rink, a 2000 seat theatre, buffett's, a mall, more food, plenty of SHC(smokin hot chicks) an Italian soccer team my wife's in love with,(SHI-smokin hot Italians) and so many other things to do that you'd have to be on here for a week.

Did I mention a casino? You know that's the only thing I don't like about this place.
It seems at this "Casino" if you happen to lose in one of thier "Games" they take your money and DON'T GIVE IT BACK!
What's the deal with that?
Needless to say it took me 4 or 5 days to figure that out. Sheesh.
We've been to Belize, Costa Maya and Cozumel so far and it's been amazing. The kids, The Mrs and I are all loving it.
FCLFT for sure. (Family Cruise of a Life Time)
We'll be heading back to Miami Saturday and then we're going to dock for a few days at Mother-in-law Island in Boca. I'll write some more Sunday/Monday.
I hope your all well and safe and I'll be in touch in a few days.
h

Last Fall Randee and I were booked to go on a 4 day cruise, our first.
But that was the week my Father died and we had to cancel.
We decided to make it a family thing and so like thousands of others we're heading to Florida today and then the Western Caribbean.
I'm looking forward to this break more than if I'd been working. I know that sounds odd but anyone that's ever been out of work for any length of time will know what I mean.
Not having a job and trying to make things happen is a full time gig!

These past 4 and a half months have been definitely stressful. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you.
You think things are okay and then a wave of mourning/sadness/whatever comes up and slaps you across the lip. Sometimes in slow motion like a Tarantino movie.

Anyway beside the "Dead-Dad" thing of course, I've been out selling my book, trying to make deals and work out some long-term strategy for me and my peeps. Also stressful.
I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something out of all this and I think I am, but it can be annoying while your actually in the middle of it all. My wife has been awesome through it all and I know she's ready for a vacation as well.

I recently came across a great quote from Michael Jordan on th subject of failure.
"I'VE MISSED MORE THAN 9,000 SHOTS IN MY CAREER. I'VE LOST MORE THAN 300 GAMES. TWENTY-SIX TIMES I'VE BEEN TRUSTED TO TAKE THE GAME-WINNING SHOT AND MISSED. I'VE FAILED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE... AND THAT IS WHY I SUCCEED."

So I'll try and upload some junk from the boat if I can but in the meantime be well and safe and I'll check in with you in a week or so.
H

Now we're playing .500 ball. Yeah baby. Team Teal has 4 nice wins and 3 in a row against 4 stinky losses and we're starting to feel entitled. We almost expect to win now, which is a way different attitude from the first few weeks when losing seemed to be our destiny.
Nay, I say. Nay and Nay again.

Last night Team Teal took it to Team A-Version-Of-Green and lit the place up 11-4 yo.
Jenna popped in 4 and continues to get better each week. Crazy Nicole finally showed up and potted a couple, Other Nicole scored a nice one and the Coaches Kid Charlie G had her third 3-goal game of the season!
All the girls played well.
We started with goalie Rachel in net and then Therese stepped up in the second half and stood her ground.

Other Coach Patrick got a little edgy when his wife, former-Coach Nadia had their youngest kid messenger a play in from the stands, but order was restored when we sent a note back reminding her of her winless record.

Game notes.
The ref, Hard-to-Hear-or-Understand Tim, kept calling some infraction on us that gave the other team a free kick. I had no idea what the hell was going and I vow that if I ever coach again I'll read the thing that came with some of the rules.
In the meantime my Shrieking/Yelling/Encouraging style seems to be working.

The results show last night came with a few surprises. The biggest for me was that Ryan and Simon are pals in Real Life!
I was also shocked, like many of you with who stayed and who goed.
Here are the latest kids kicked off.

Sanjaya Malakar and Haley Scarnato dodged a big one as most sane people would have picked them to go. Haley, cause she's not so much with the singing and Sanjaya because he's mostly about his hair and freaky eyebrows.
Many put Sabrina Sloan in the top six girls, including Randy Jackson. After her elimination, Randy said “Sabrina should be in that top twelve, dog. She definitely put it down. America got that one wrong I think.” I agree Randy, she definitely put it down dog master.

As for the rest of it, it was just okay for me. I would have like the Sundance kid to hang around just to watch him attempt to dance. Also it was cool seeing Carrie Underwood come back.
It's interesting though how when the Idol-Made stars return to sing they no longer talk to the judges. It's almost like the "You judging me days is Ovah!"

As for Antonella, there's quite a controversy raging over questionable photo's of her on the dagnabbit intranet. (Google them up) There's also some crap coming out of Rosie O'Donnells giant gag-hole about how the show is racist and fatist or some other junk.
All I know is sweet Antonella won't be struggling for company anytime soon. Why here's a shot of her and one of her friendlies now.

I've been watching this show for 5 years now and it's hard to explain but I find it fascinating and brilliant.
Fascinating like driving slowly passed an accident...Brilliant because it's all about marketing genius.
Think about it. You get people to watch amateurs sing, and then you get to vote and then you tune in the next night to see how your votes turned out. You're actually invested in the show, not only night to night but each week as the contestants are eliminated.
I've always liked it even when others thought it was just some stupid "reality" show. I felt it stood apart because it was just so smart.

Of course I also love to watch Simon rip everybody a new intellectual a-holes. It's amazing how dumbed down America is.
Here's what I mean.

Randee Jackson is a talented, very respected player/producer who I've seen interviewed and "Dawg" never comes out of his mouth. Yet on the show he's adopted a much dumber version of himself...although I will say this year he's not playing it up as much.

Paula is well Paula. I think there must be something wrong. Fell and hit her head, jungle blow dart, wrong prescription, who the hell knows, just something. She's less dizzy too this year but still sometimes incomprehensible.
"Your just, you and your artistry, just be the magic and your personality is, we just love you!" A fairly typical Paula sentence.

Simon Cowell is by far the smartest cat on the show. Yes even smarter than Ryan. He is the voice of reason and he knows that even though he's getting booed in the studio we're all cheering him at home. That's why he gets the big bucks.

Last night he was talking about how one contestant was so unforgettable he didn't know her name.
Paul said it's Haily.
Then Simon said, "what's her sir name?"
Both Paula and Randee looked at him like he'd just asked them, "What's her spleen size?"
I rewound it to watch it again and I'm telling you neither of them had clue-f-ing-one what he meant by "sir name".
That moment said a lot about America for me and how unfashionable it's become to uh, "know" stuff. Not just there, but here too.
Sure it's a small thing but it says something.

Anyway back to A.I.
The girls are all better than the guys, they should vote the men off and just keep the chicks.
Especially that delicious Barba girl who can't sing so much but is easy on the eyes.

I was looking for something else when I came across Dave Coyne on YouTube. He's an impressionist and I'm telling ya, he does a wicked Nicholson and Walken.
Yes everybody thinks they can do it, but this dude is good.
He does an American Idol spoof and besides the fact that the Croc Hunter Steve Irwin is dead, just appreciate how good a job this guys impression is.
Warning there are some "swears" in so it may not be suitable for a "work" environment. (Something that's not too big an issue here in my house!)

I get several comments a day that make doing this more than just a break from staring into the abyss.
Oh come on Howard, you say, surely your life is rich, full and brimming with learning, growth and evolution.
To that I say, Yes.
Yes cause Mondays' are Prison Break, Tuesdays-American Idol, Wednesdays-More Idol, Thursday-results show, Friday night, Saturday night-drink to excess, Sunday-watch golf.
That's a full existence is it not?
Sure there are days that I wonder what lessons I can learn from such abject failure but I'm confident those learnings will come. I just hope they hurry the hell up.

The last couple of days the kids coming to HH.com have been liking the funny and that makes a fella feel like changing his pants.
(I just noticed I've been wearing the same pants all week. Changed my gitch, but I've been keeping it real with the same jeans.)

Its humour like this that we NEED back on the radio again. Have you
listened to the crap out there? I almost had an instantaneous bout of
insomnia (in my car...not a good thing) when the JACK FM DJs came on the
air yesterday!

Hello Humble,
Nice to still enjoy your humour, even though it's through
your "weeb" site and not on the radio. I appreciate the fact that I can still be kept informed to your where-abouts
so some-day maybe we can enjoy all the hi-jinx on the radio. How 'bout one of those red-neck stations in Hamilton? Wait a minute that won't work your jokes might go over their heads.

That was funny! Even in type your timing in the back and forth banter is
bang on - even when you are bantering with yourself! Oh my that comment
could go either way!

In an effort to be inclusive I have decided this site needs to frequently update our FAQ section so that everyone who comes is in on the joke(s)!
I don't know how many program directors sat across from me and chastised me for doing some bit that was too "inside!"
So just like the big web sites here are some more FAQ's.

How many program directors chastised you for being too "inside?" I don't know.
What publishing platform do you use and who maintains it? I work with MoveableType and Mike Boon answers any question I may have.
Who is Mike Boon? Ask him.
Describe a typical day. I wake up, eat some porridge, stare at the computer screen and wait for the phone to ring.
Is that it? Some days I nap so I can stay up and watch American Idol. The guys suck and Paula is a retard.
Do you have any idea when you will work again? By "work" do you mean, leave the house, go some where and get paid money?
Yes. No.
Are you worried? No. I find the drinking helps with that.
Are you concerned? No. See above.
What is your biggest worry or concern? Uh, if the LCBO goes out of business.
Any last thoughts? Only that I'm actually asking and answering questions from myself.

Tim Miller, my buddy the Brampton Teacher, has turned me on to this dude Andy Mckee. He is one of a group of young guitar-wizards that are all over YouTube.
From time to time I like to pass on some of this to you.
A)Cause it's cool to see another human being so good at something.
B)I like the guitar. Piano too.
C)Even though I suck at them.
D)I like doing lists.
E)Okay, I'll stop.

This video is Andy Mckee playing a Harp-Guitar thing. It looks like somebody glued another wider neck on to a normal six string.
The way he plays it will blow you away.

Yesterday I received this message from Carmen Melville.
hey Howa.
you ain't played the OSCARS review yet. with the peeing and the feces balls

He apparently is keeping close tabs of the "spins" his very funny bits have been getting here on HH.com and dagnabitt if the little critter hasn't got a point. Or has a point.
Anyhow, I did some research and found that I hadn't played the Oscar bit with the peeing and feces balls. I mean that's the type of entertaining we were famous for so, I say let's do it.

Being home every morning as my kids get ready for school is interesting. It's like they can't seem to figure out that their mother wants them to go faster which apparently is at odds with what they are doing which is going slower.
It's just plain fun to be part of. (That was just sarcasm.)
Help me.

Cold temperatures are brutal on the homeless. It got me thinking. You know how you always hear that theoretically no one on the planet should go hungry, as globally we produce more than enough food to feed all.
I think the homeless problem is like that. Don't you have a spare room or a couch? I call it Bring the Homeless Home. That's right if we just invited The Homeless Home then problem solved.
Next time instead of throwing that dude under the Gardiner some change or ignoring him, open up the door and Invite The Homeless Home.
Personally, I could use the company.

"Big blurb about Freeway going to Calgary and nothing about your long-time buddy since '93 Josh Holliday? ;-) Hope you're well. Let's talk up the book some time."

My apologies. Josh is doing great guns at X92.9 New Rock Calgary, check out his MySpace here.

I woke up yesterday morning to The Bill Carroll Experience only to hear something about Giant Chunks of Ice raining down from the CN Tower. (Here-after referred to as GCI's)
"Am I high?" I thought.
"Is Bill high?" I also thought.
"What in the shit is going on" I pondered.
Okay, enough with the questions.

Because of the sideways rain/sleet/ice storm of Thursday afternoon, GCI's took up residence on the CN Tower and were falling off onto the innocent commuters below.
I know this is dangerous but damm GCI's are cool.
You know as long as no one gets hurt.

Bill Carroll said some GCI's were in 4 foot sheets and a couple of inches thick. Dude, that would make a mess of your car. Think about it.
Are you done.
Okay, the point is big things falling from the sky are no place for cars or people and that's why the Gardiner was/is shut down. I can't believe some folks were all pissed that they had to divert or walk around yellow police tape.
Hey buddy, ever had a tile or a book hit you on the noggin? Imagine what a GCI would do falling from 1800 feet. Not pretty.

Guy in Lexus on his blue tooth:"Hey a big chunk of ice is falling off the CN Tower!"
Guy in office talking to Guy in Lexus:"Your crapping me?"
Guy in Lexus:"Hey the big chunk of ice just that smashed into that Land Rover and blew it over the Gardiner. I'm no expert but it doesn't look good."

Listening to the Radio made me jealous that I wasn't reporting on the GTA-wide excitement of Giant Chunks of Ice. If I was still working for City Pulse I would have a thing or two to say.
(I never worked for City Pulse, but I did work at City. I didn't think it would have the same saying, ..."If if was still hosting Ed's Stupid Not-Funny Night Party."*)

I think I've plum run out of Carmen Melville bits. I'll have to check but I'm pretty sure. Oh well, how bout some Old Me.
I was going through some Me, Judy Croon and Bobby stuff(Judy just got dusted at XM from the Bullard show, that girl is too good to be off the air long) and I found some goofy little bits we did around Bingo getting married.
Here was a thing about the sacrifices people make for their spouses.There's a strange little clipped part at the beginning but after that its' fine.
Enjoy.

Talk about a confluence of events.
Bingo and I are longtime pals/work-buds who are both fired at the same time.I the meantime, I meet Internet Genius Mike Boon and he helps me set up HH.com, then Bob, Fred, Dan Duran, Pete Cugno and I get together for something called a "PodCast", I invite Mike Boon and he later decides to interview Bingo Bob!
(That sentence has left me dizzy.)
The point is Mike did a nice little Q+A with my little Bingo and I'd like you to read it here.

Freeway Frank has been hired to do mornings in Calgary at the new Chum property.
It couldn't happen to a better guy. I spoke to Frank a few days ago and congratulated him on the move. He' always been a pal and I was very happy for him.
Some of you may have heard his Father recently died and although I had left him a message of condolence, this was the first time we have spoken in about 3 and a half weeks. I dropped in on him last month when I was on The Jim Richards Show on CFRB.

Frank is one of those guys that is likable, hard working and who's talent will only grow in his new role.
I always enjoyed the talks we had, and I was happy to speak to him the other day about his new gig. He's been doing evenings and the countdown thing and now is his time to shine.
The only advice I gave him was to try and show up on time for about 5 years in a row and all would be well!
I also said he'd love living in Calgary more than he'd imagine.
Congrats FF.
Hmmm maybe I should apply for his old evening job. (He says, fingers twirling imaginary handle-bar mustache...or am I so delusional that I actually think I have a handle-bar mustache?)

No that wouldn't work, I can't stay awake past 10pm. Drats.
(Did I just say Drats. What's next? Cursed Foiled again.That's what.)

My niece Zoe, who is just the super-coolest, has started to check in on her Uncle's little blog occasionally and sent me this.
Thanks Zoe. I'll bet if you were a CBC producer you'd hire me.
She thinks this video is funny and so do I.
It's from my old pal George's show.

Just laying back, smoking some blunts and drinking gin and kiwi juice while surfing the YouTube.
Yeah that's right.
Just me in my old Joe Boxer long johns and funny vid's on the dagnabbit internet.
Okay all of the above is true, cept the bunts, gin, kiwi juice(actually brandy and whipped egg whites), and the Joe Boxers.
Other than that.

Well it's become positively epidemic. First the legendary John Derringer is sued by Tie Domi for insinuating that Tie took some dough for his charity work and now my buddy Bill Carroll is under fire too.
The difference is Money.
Lots of it.
Derringer is getting sued for $950 grand. Bupkis compared to Carroll.
Check this out.
Tim Hortons Inc. is seeking $35 million in general and punitive damages each from CanWest, Standard Radio (which owns Toronto station CFRB) and Carroll, for falsely stating that the company received a multimillion-dollar subsidy from Ottawa in support of the Kandahar outlet.

Cool. $35 million dollars. Now We're Talking!! That's like Erin Davis money.

In his Nov. 1, 2006, radio broadcast, Carroll said: "If Tim Hortons wants to have a franchise in Afghanistan, it's a pretty good public relations gesture ... Then let them pay for it."
In a Global TV commentary, he said: "Tim Hortons has been sliding by on the great publicity about the Kandahar franchise all these months and then Global uncovers the dirty little secret. You and I, the taxpayers, are picking up $4 or 5 million dollars a year so that they can look good to the public ... Shame on Tim Hortons."

Tim Horton's says the reports were false and defamatory. They added that "The new breakfast sandwich is actually pretty good and not as greasy as the one at Mcdonalds!"
(Okay, I added that last part, but it's true. Not big on the Timmy's coffee though. Seriously.)

Listen, I know Bill Carroll and you sir are no Bill Carroll. He is too smart to go shooting off his mouth on Radio and TV without something to back up his claims.
I'm betting he had some info prior to the aforementioned Mouth-Shooting Off.

Yes more Carmen.
People like the Carmen Melville "bits" so why shouldn't I give them what they want.
I am getting down to the stems and seeds of my Carmen supply so enjoy them while they last.
And no bogarting. (For those of you not savvy with the Blunt references, "bogarting" a joint means to "hog" or "selfishly" retain joint-possession, when it is clearly time to pass it on. If my kids see this I learned that from your mother!)

This is a great shot. The women is actually using her child as a shield against the sleet and driving ice pellets.
Thanks mom.
I don't blame her. For a while yesterday afternoon is was ACTUALLY SNOWING SIDEWAYS!
(you know I'm serious cause I put on the cap lock.)

I had just finished gorging myself on Dim Sum, (some hargow, sumai, wings, pork ribs in black bean sauce and won ton soup. Yum Mi.) when it started to snow.
At first it was just snow, then it turned to an icy snow/rain/sleet mixture.
What really sucked was the wind. It was blowing the crap sideways and making it almost impossible to be outside.
I of course had to stop for gas, cause G*D knows we're apparently running out of that, and I was out of my car for approximately $35 dollars worth.
Just then the ice shards started to beat down upon my face. I was stumbling wildly as I tried to hang on to the hose.
I lost control and starting spraying gas everywhere when all of a sudden an SUV skidded on the ice bashing into my vehicle causing a spark and igniting the petrol. Both cars exploded and the entire station burst into a giant ball of fire!

Okay, everything from "I lost control to giant ball of fire" is bull. But it was so windy with the sleet and shards of sideways ice I thought it could happen.
Maybe I was just woozy from the Dim Sum.

We win 2 in a row and 3 of 4 and I get the call that Thursdays soccer is cancelled.
Cancelled! Are you kidding me?
Why, cause of a little MAJOR FREAKING SNOW AND ICE STORM?
Oh that is so typical.
A team starts to get on a roll and the League does anything it can to slow it down.

I get it.
Team Teal was starting to make waves and THE STORM is a great excuse to shut the whole thing down for the night.
That's cool. We can work with that.
Just know this, when play resumes next week TT will still have the MoJo on its' side. (By MoJo I mean "momentum" and not, you know, the old Radio station I used to work at before it became Chat 640.)

The preceding was satire and in no way was meant to cast aspersions on girls under 12 soccer, the Oakville soccer club or Storms.
Thank you.

Yesterday I was having trouble with my audio hosting service Odeo. I heartily recommend them but alas, the new version won't let you upload from your computer.
Yes I said "alas" in that last sentence because it's my site and if I utter the odd "alas" well you'll just have to deal with it.
Also it's in keeping with today's Fake English Accent Movie Review from Carmen Melville.
Enjoy.

I visit a lot of sites in a day. That's what I do. I site-see. Get it.
Anyway all of the cool sites have an FAQ section so I thought I'd better get started.

Are you the Humble from the Humble and Fred show? No. He was disfigured in an arc-welding accident back in 96 and I replaced him.
Have you sold a lot of copies of The Slime that Men Do? If by a lot you mean “Not very many”, then yes.
Is this site okay for children to visit? I let mine although they don’t seem to want to. It’s all about the FaceBook and the MSN and their friends. Aw what’s the point? Next question.
Are you okay? I just need a minute.
What would surprise us to learn about you? I eat a lot more Pea Meal bacon than you’d think is healthy. And I don’t always wipe as well as I’d like to.
Maybe too much information? I’ve also secretly wished I were Jewish.
Okay let’s move on? I always thought I should have opened up a hat store.
Do you think you will work in Radio again? Yes and no. But more yes than no. I don’t know, maybe. Okay but you have to say please.
When people order a book what do you write as an inscription? "Dear Reader, Stay Slime Free." Then I sign it. Your pal, Regis.
Should we continue this another time? Yes, I’m tired now and need to nap.

I flew a lot yesterday. First time I’d flown that much in a while.
Left Buttonville (CYKZ ) and flew through Toronto and landed in Burlington.(CZBA).
Picked up my friend Smokin Hot Angie (SMA) and flew to London. (CYXU)
We did a touch and go-basically just landed and took off again-returned to Burlington (SEE ABOVE) and then back to
Buttonville.(ALSO ABOVE)

Then I hooked up with one of the flight instructors that was just about to go for a flight in her Very Grown up Twin-Engine Cessna 310 (VGTEC 310) and flew up to Midland(????), did some circuits and back to Buttonville again.
I loved every minute of it.
I know that soon I won’t be able to afford to do this anymore, so like a lot of things I’m trying to enjoy it while I can.
Flying is something I always wanted to do. I learned how and believe me; I never take it for granted.
But even now, after nearly 300 hours, I still think it’s wild that “I’m the guy” actually controlling this thing and this thing
Is 7 thousand feet off the ground!

Now for you flying nerds, check out this dude. It's worth it even for you non-nerds.
The guys name is Bob Hoover and he's like the Gretsky/Tiger/Jordan of pilots.

The actual headline is something like "The Rich and the Rest of Us."
But it might as well be Boo Rich-Yeah Everyone Else.
Oh the Star just loves this type of thing. It makes them giddy. I'll bet they're all just dancing and making giddy faces.
Why?
Cause the Star hates Rich people. And Conservatives. Or anyone that is not Liberals.

The article is interesting, aside from the newspapers wayyyyyy left bias, in the fact that the middle income class of Canada seems to be shrinking while the bottom is static and the upper end is making way more.
They showed this with graphs and charts so it must be true.
Check it out.

The most interesting thing in the paper (not online) was an illustration of what different income-earners spend per week, from the student to a typical worker to the semi-rich to the investment broker earning $1 million plus per year.
Amazing what that dude spent in a week.

Some Highlights.
Monday- Vintage wine order $5600.
Tuesday-Housekeeper $600.
Wednesday-Trip to New York-Flight/shopping/dinner $4000
Thursday-Hotel/room service$1000
Friday-Trip to Calgary Flight/hotel/Heli-skiing $13000!

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