May 2007 Archives

« April 2007 | | June 2007 »

Some Random stuff and then I've gotta go.

Saw two of my favorite people yesterday. Judy Croon and my Brother Steve.

Judy and I hung out in the Beaches and had lots of laughs and this amazingly cheap breakfast at a place called Vivitha or Vivator or some such Beaches type place.
Why does everyone who lives in that neighborhood own a Yellow Lab? Is there some Beaches law that you can't walk down Queen East without a Yellow Lab and a coffee?

Judy is really funny and sweet and nice and makes me laugh a lot. I haven't seen in her a long time and I'd forgotten how cool she is to spend time with.

Brother Steve and I had supper in the West end at that Milestones on the Queensway, just off Islington. (Yeah the one near the Cineplex Odeon.)
Steve is a big time CBC TV producer who has 16 shows going at any one time and for some reason, none of them can ever involve me. Apparently that's his mandate.

CBC:Hey Steve we've got a great new show about a funny Jewish boy named Howard from small-town Saskatchewan who can play golf and fly airplanes. Do you know anyone who might be able to fill that role?
Steve: (Staring blankly) Uh. No. doesn't ring a bell.
CBC: How about your Brother?
Steve: Yes, I think David would be perfect.

Anyway I still like hanging with him and hearing about all the people he works with that aren't me.
BTW. Milestones has SHW. (Yes-Smoking Hot Waitresses.) Plus they have a system where you don't just have one assigned to your table so we were served by no less than 6 SHW last night and that's never a bad thing. Of course there's nothing more pathetic than two guys who's combined ages are over a 100, flirting with 20-year-olds but whattya going to do?

Ok. I have to go pick up Dan Duran and drive him somewhere. Later I'll tell you about 12 year olds in the pool, sleeping like a baby and putting out the junk in our front yard.

Category: Random House

Posted by Humble on May 31, 2007 @ 08:52 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Go Sens Go or not!

I've been taking some flack for my support of Canada' Team of Destiny , your OTTAWA SENATORSSSSSSSSS.
As you probably know, I could give a flying crap. I'm just like a lot of my friends, sick to death of the Leaf organization and their lack of action on anything except raising ticket prices every year.
Happy 40 years of futility fans...now suck down another price increase.

I've had a bunch of people writing. One said, "But there are more Canadians on the Ducks!"
How weak is that argument. The Ducks are based in America, the Sens are based in Canada. Duh, we live in Canada ergo...oh forget it.

Yesterday I got this comment:
HH, you are a shit disturber.
Go DUCKS Go.
They're going to win another one tonight and the AlfredSENS are history.

I thought the AfredSens thing was clever. As for shit, I really don't like to disturb it, honest. I say leave it alone and let it be for crying out loud, its shit and it shouldn't be dealt with.

I thought the best perspective came from my old pal Bruce Barker.

For me it is rather simple since I covered the 2004 cup final in Calgary and last year in Edmonton which both ended in game 7 heartbreaks ....I have to go with Ottawa for 2 reasons.

One of those is very simple I WANT THE STANLEY CUP IN CANADA and yes I am a Leaf fan but I would rather see the cup in the nations
capital before it is in Disneyland.
And the personal reason is that my good pal Jason Spezza plays for the Senators and after all the stuff we went through when we were together with the Mississauga Icedogs HE DESERVES A STANLEY CUP RING !!!!!!
So there you have it GO SENS !!!!!!!!!!

So there you have it.

Category: Reader Mail

Posted by Humble on May 31, 2007 @ 08:50 | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm okay with it. I am. It seems the bulk of the media can't get passed it.
All day long I've heard every manner of news casts making snide/sly remarks in reference to Ahnold being in town and I kinda of thought it was immature and disrespectful. Yes I know, this coming from me, Mr. Immature+disrespectful. It's just that the guy is the leader of a state with a population bigger than our whole country, he's smart, savvy and has been in charge for some time. You'd think our little small-town media would have gotten over it already.

Then theres' the politicians getting all goofy cause he used to be a big movie star. I understand it must be cool for a guy like Dalton Mcguinty who may be the biggest nerd to ever run a province, but jeez louiz Mr Premier get a grip. At least try and act nonchalant. At one point Mr. Dalton was trying to make some Arnold-movie reference and it just came out all awkward and embarrassing.

Of course AS plays it up too, I think just to put everyone else at ease. In one conference he was referring to the Ducks/Sens series and he said, "Like in my movies, you know I'm not much on dialogue but more about action!" Or some such Ahnold-thing. Sounds cooler when you hear him say it.

Anyway, for the most part it was funny listening/reading/watching how we all reacted to the head of the great State of Cawlee-forniah. But really Toronto media, enough with the snide and cheap shots.
I mean if the dude weren't from Austria he'd probably end up President.
He still might.

I just read the Sens were outplayed last night and lost 1-0. I laughed thinking that "Well at least that'll make my Leaf-Fan buddies happy!"
Strange thought huh?
Actually cheering against the only Canadian franchise...actually wanting the Stanly Cup to go to the USA, to make yourself feel better.
That's what I think it is.
It's like if Ottawa loses 4 straight it will somehow make it good for Leaf Fans. "Hah! See they are a crap team that always chokes."
What a load!

Even if Ottawa loses it doesn't take away from the fact that our team:
A) Didn't make the playoffs.
B) Hasn't for a few years.
C) Hasn't played in the Stanly Cup final since we used to give babies cigarettes.

It's really the last point that is important to remember. If Ottawa never wins a game in this series at least they got this far. I know a lot of Leaf supporters who would love to be playing and losing to the Ducks at this point in the "Golf Season!"

When you throw a ball, swing a bat, slap a puck ect, you are intending to do something. Hit the object at a target. Right?
For some reason when we golf we focus on the ball rather then where you want it to go. It's called being "Ball Bound"(cool name huh.) and it's one of the main reasons so many bad things happen in your swing. Your hunched over, arms ram rod straight, eyes laser beaming the ball and then you quickly lurch back and down and try and a hammer it. Not really thinking about where just " Me Must Hit Ball."

You need to change your intention. Your intention should be to propel the ball towards something, a tree out in the distance, a patch of grass short of a pond or a spot on the green. Try this next time you play and you'll immediately notice a difference in the way your swing moves through the ball.
As though the ball just gets in the way of the club.

While your taking your practice swings (only one please or the rest of the foursome will hate you) look at the target.
Then step up to the ball, take a last look at where you intend it to go and then swing.
Chances are you'll hit it there more times than you'd believe and at the very least your misses will be going in the general vicinity of where you hit to. Dr Bob Rotella, golf psychologist-guy, once said, "If your not aiming at the target, where are you aiming?"

Remember your brain has a way telling your body what to do. So make the target the last thing you look at before you swing. If you do, your body will try and hit it...if the last thing you look at is the water/trees/trap/OB/gulch/ your body will most likely steer it there.

Quick Tip:
Next time you practice hit some short irons off a tee. You'll immediately improve your contact and your confidence.
Take a 7 iron, tee up a ball(even a little higher than you normally would for a par three) and hit a few. You'll be surprised at how easy it is to start hitting the ball better.

Quick Tip 2:
Loosen your grip. Yes you with the white knuckles. Loosen it and you will hit the ball farther.
You must give the club a chance to swing and when your hands are tight, there's no hinge( I'll explain that another time) the club moves slower and the ball goes nowhere.
When your hands are looser, the club moves more freely, faster and you'll hit it past the girls tees.
(If you don't it's called a "Dick-Out." If you don't know, I'll explain that another time too!)

I had some predictable response to my Ottawa stuff. You have to know I don't really care I just write this drivel to get a rise out of Leaf Fans. It's fun.

Basically I said that it's time to get behind the Canadian Team as opposed to one from the US. Apparently there was a comment about how the Ducks have more Canadian born players than the Sens. So what?
It's about where the Team is from.
One team is based in Ontario Canada one is based in California USA.
If both teams were from the US then I could see cheering for the one with the most Canooks but that's not the case.
One team is from our country and that's the one we should be cheering for.

The only reason a lot of you aren't is because it's Ottawa-the Team that used to choke and of course it's jealousy.
Jealousy over that franchise's success and this ones lack of it.
And let's not forget MLSE has raised prices again and once again it won't affect Leaf Fans one iota.

Other Crap.

I've been to Dairy Queen twice in the last couple of weeks for the first time since last summer.
Funny how kids still think going there is a treat. It is for me too.
Last night I had a small Skor-bar Blizzard-awesome-and the week before I had a double-cheese burger. I must tell you the burger was amazing. I haven't had a burger from DQ for a million years but it was very good. I had to hold myself back from having another this week.
I wonder how good a double cheese-burger and Skor-bar Blizzard for dessert would taste?

Speaking of food. Yesterday Randee and I hung out at Remy's rooftop patio and bar in Yorkville for lunch. Cool setting and a great Ceaser salad. Walking back to the car we passed all the new condo developments with signs advertising units..."from $600,000 to 6 million!"
Wow how aggravating would it be to live there? Spending 6 or 7 hundred thousand on an apartment and ending up with the crappiest place and being known as the condos' cheap-asses. "Oh those people, I hear they only spent $900,000 on their place, how gauche."

I came up with a great idea for Yorkville. Somebody should open up an Everything for a Hundred Dollar store. Or a Hundred Buck or Two.

Mike is passionate about The Leafs and Music and I'm not surprised this closure would impact him.
I can't help him with the Leafs, No one can, but it is the end of an era in Toronto and even someone who didn't grow up here can feel that.
Mike had this last night. Well TO Mike, the force is very strong in this one.

If your into Music, The Simpsons, or just interesting Toronto stuff check out the Boon daily.
I do.

What the hell happened? Ottawa barely showed up and lost game 1 against the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.
Oh come on. Can a team from Disney really win the Stanley Cup? I think not my good friends.

Actually I only saw the pre-game and the first goal during Soccer Dad's Wing night and then I barely remembered it was on.
Did you see the big-ass grin on Don Cherry's face when he was hanging with Arnie? He looked like a little kid.

Game Notes:
From what I read the 9 game layoff didn't help the Sens but they could have won if their 3 big guns played better. Besides Alfredson I couldn't name the other two if I were being held hostage.
That goalie dude sure looks like a nitwit crouching into the net during the anthem, that I do know.
Speaking of which, Stephen Stills sang horribly and looked like he had Alpha Getty stains on his shirt.

Lastly, come on Leaf Fans let's drop this petty posturing and get behind CTD (Canada's Team of Destiny) once and for all.
You can't tell me you hate the Senators so badly or you're so peeved because your team sucks, that you'd rather have a squad from "Cawli-fornia" win than a Canadian one. Seriously.
Or maybe you can.
Go Sens Go.

Is this what all the fuss is about? Rosie vs Elizabeth Hasselback wanking at each other on The View.
I watched it and it ain't that big a deal. I will say this, Elizabeth Hasselback is Dee-Licious and I think Rosie knows that. Yummy in my tummy.
Who is Elizabeth Hasselback anyway? Was she on Survivor or something. I can't for the life of me remember why she's famous and I don't care enough even to Google her.

I will tell you though, there was a time when Rosie O'Donnell was just a comic. I know I worked with her.
Yes that's right HHDotCom-guy once did stand up with Rosie at a place called Swanee's Comedy Underground in Seattle.
I was the opener and she headlined for some 4 or 5 night gig. I remember she was very funny, nice and sort of shy offstage-kept to herself. Never hung with her outside of the club but I do recall thinking that she seemed a bit awkward.

Anyway in those days she was just the big girl from some old sitcom and she was funny.

Here's the so-called Meltdown from The View.

Actually that wasn't the one. That was just run-of-the-mill wanking. This is the real Meltdown.

My lawyers kid Robbie Roth is a talented New York musician/composer/arranger who's back in town and is promoting this thing. Sounds like a great event.

Next item. The LKTYP golf tourney June 25th at Glen Abbey. Some of you may know I volunteer with this great children's theatre in Toronto and this is our final fundraiser of the year.
It's going to be a great day at an amazing golf course and a good portion of the dough is tax-deductible. We only have a few foursomes left and I'd love for you to be there.
I won't crap you; it's not cheap but it is Glen Abbey and it will be a lot of fun.
If you'd like to go or want more information e-mail me at CometoMyTourney@HumbleHoward.com.

Finally it's time to hire my wife. Unlike me she wants a job and she's getting sick of hanging out with HHDotcom-guy.
I know this seems weird but I figured since all of you are in my network I'd use this forum to tell you that Randee is ready to work for you NOW!

She has a strong marketing and promotions background and would be the perfect addition to your team. I'm serious. She's loyal, hard-working and talented. Not to mention cute and funny and will show up on time and give 110% game in and game out.
If you know anyone who's looking for that kind of person e-mail me at Hiremywife@humblehoward.com.

Yes let's get her a job so I don't have to.

On the weekend I bought a little plastic gismo that hooks up to one of the pool jets and makes a little fountainy thing.
It shoots a spray of water and gives you the sound of a babbling brook.

It only took me two trips to the pool store to figure out how to make it work properly. Fairly typical for my home project attempts.

1)Trip to store to buy item.
2)Bring item home, try to hook it up, fail.
3)Return to store to find out how item works from amused store-person.
4)Go home and make item function the way it would have if I'd only read the directions.

Saw friends Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday we went to Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
Good times.(Not a bad flick, kinda long but worth the Movie Money.)
Had Tai food, Barbecue food and Movie snacks. I love to eat. Soon I will have to start watching what I'm eating but for now I'm just watching it long enough to get it in my mouth.

Just downloaded Google Maps for my Blackberry. How freaking cool is that.
I should tell you I love all things Google.

I-Google is my browser home-page, Gmail handle my e-mail, I Google-map everywhere I go and if Google was a girl I'd make touchy-selfy over it.
Maybe that was TMI. (too much info.)
Get the Gmail btw and you'll never go back to Outlook.

I bashed my head again. Seriously. I have developed some sort of distorted spacial relationship issues with my head and blunt objects.

(Last Head-Bashing incident-I was too woozy to take pictures. This time same eye just above my eyebrow.)

Last time it was the edge of Dave Whites Mini-Cooper, this time it was the left-edge of the flap on GSIN.
I was getting the plane ready, stood up and banged my head so hard I went down on the ground like I'd been shot.
I put my hand up to my head and there was blood everywhere. I'm a good bleeder.
(How proud you must be. I am thank you.)

I was momentarily dazed and had to go clean myself up and fly to Kingston.(See Deaf for a Day Kingston.)
I don't know what it is but I seem to be getting Klutzier as I age.
Is this one of those Old Guy things.

"Oh don't worry about Granpa he's always banging his head on things, ha ha the old koot!"

I have always felt I was fairly co-ordinated but since we've owned this plane I have consistently banged my noggin on various parts of the aircraft.
This was the first to draw blood.
At the risk of looking stupid I may have to start wearing a helmet to fly, at least until I'm in the plane.

Have you checked out the new look Toronto Star yet?
Not bad, not bad.
They've narrowed the size and done something to the type and font and I must say it looks good.
I'd like to write for The Star but they already have funny man Lynwood Barclay. I would love his job.
Jot down a few tid-bits about this and that, slap it together 3-4 times a week and your making a living.
Kinda what I do with this blog only for money and lots of it.

Anyway I like what they've done even though a lot of their politics is a little Lefty. Okay a lot Lefty. But that's cool, it's still the best paper in the city with the best writers and the biggest circulation by a ton.

One of the new sections is called Living and Entertainment and today it had a little piece about the Daily Rituals of the Average Canadian.
What time we wake up/go to bed, make with the sexy, when we shower, brush our teeth ect.
Kind of interesting.
I thought it might be revealing for you HHDotCom readers to see what my daily rituals have become now that I am no longer employed.

7:00 am: Wake up after long night of Tossing and Turning and Fretting.
7:10 am: Call to dog for early morning scratching/licking/biting session. Also say hi to wife and kids.
8:00 am: Read paper, drink coffee, eat breakfast, make business. Not at same time.
8:30 am: Attempt Sudoku.
8:45 am: Throw out Sudoku in frustration.
9-11 am: Update Hi-freakin-Larious HHDotCom.
11-1 pm: Drive downtown to score Meth.
1-3:30: Wander around in Meth-enduced haze.
4:00 pm: Children come home from school-wonder why Daddy's "napping."
6:00 pm: Check HHdotCom Stats. Cry. Open wine.
7-10 pm: Watch TV, ponder aimless existence, put children to bed.
10:00pm:Go to bed, Toss, Turn, and Fret until morning.

Just a quick thanks to the Canadian Hearing Society for letting me be the honorary provincial chair for Hearing Awareness Month.
This past weekend I flew to Kingston for their event and it was great. (Except for banging my skull!)

I basically MC-ed the thing and interviewed the VIP's after they came back from having their hearing blocked and talked about the experience.
Meeting the nice peeps in Kingston was great and as always with this organization, I come away feeling better for having spent time with them.
The CHS is truly a great group and if you get a second you should definitely check them out.
I learned a lot about "listening" from being around so many Deaf people.

He's the Base Commander at CFB Kingston and it turns out a former listener.
He went to school in Regina and heard me when I worked in Moose Jaw, many years ago.
He's a cool guy who happens to be in charge of some very brave and highly skilled people.
After the event he drove me back to the airport and we had a chance to talk.
He told me that he'll be going to Afghanistan in January and that he can't wait. He's already served in several other hot spots around the world and he's ready to take on another challenge.
It was amazing listening to him talk about our forces and the work we're doing over there. He
had some interesting things to say about PM Harpers visit last week,(he appreciated it) the Afghan troops and the recent tragic deaths of our soldiers.

It makes you proud and it sure puts things in perspective quickly.
I felt honored to be in his presence and I'll tell you he's pretty funny for a Base Commander. I mean the dude's nickname is Spike!

Marc is one of my friends I call "The Soccer Dads." He and Geoff Hicks and Guido(He won't tell me his last name because he doesn't trust me to pronounce it correctly) and I have been watching our daughters play soccer now for a solid 6 months.
Somewhere along the way we decided that if we had to watch another practice we'd poke out our own eyes, so like all Dads we decided to use the time more productively.
We decided to drop the girls off and go drink beer.

On Monday and Thursday nights, we have some wings, a few beers and make sarcastic comments about people we don't like.
Guido is too nice for most of this but he's a good laugher.
Geoff is very amusing and is also a good laugher.
Marc has a wicked sense of humour and cracks me up.

I use to think Soccer was boring but now I can't wait to go.
The Saturday morning practices are still kinda dull though, but Marc and I are trying to figure out a way to introduce Beer to that too.

Anyway, Soccer Dad Marc sent me this shot of Calgary yesterday. Snow and minus 4.
Hah, I says.
Hah on Calgary.
Sure they may have all the jobs and money and oil, but they weren't going to watch soccer last night and drink beer and eat wings and flirt with waitresses.
Oops I may have broken the Circle of Trust.

(Not actual HHDotcom numbers but an incredible simulation. Actual numbers too embarrassing to display.)

Yesterday was the single biggest day in the history of HHDotCom.
I know why, I think.
For nearly 6 days I wasn't able to post anything due to a mysterious Server Issue-and you people were nice enough to keep coming back to the site to see if it was fixed.
In fact you came back again and again and I had a record day in terms of visits.

Funny how for the last 7 or 8 months I've been trying to pump out all this different content.
Humour, human interest, pathos, contests, book excerpts and gripping personal information.(Last week I admitted to being a Meth addict and I gave out my secret Meth-name!)
But none of that generated the kind of numbers that Not-Posting anything did.
Wow.
If I'd known I could have had more people come to my site if I didn't put up anything new, I would have stopped writing months ago.

I wonder if that would have worked for me on the Radio. I could have had a show and actually gotten better numbers if I didn't show up.
Oh no they've tried that and so far, not so much.

At any rate thanks for the bump in traffic but unfortunately for my stats, I am going to resume my little posts and just have to suffer through the reduction in visits.

Isn't this the dream match up all hockey fans were looking for? I mean come on, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks a hockey team based on a Disney movie, taking on Canada's Team of Destiny?
Maybe not the classic Leafs vs Montreal tangle that would give the CBC a stiffy. Of course the Leafs would have to make the playoff's first, same with MTL.(I can't remember if the Habs made the playoffs or not, I know they're not playing now.)

Quite the conundrum for us locals though huh? I mean We Are Canadian aren't we, at least that the mythical god Molson taught us.
So the Leaf fans who are loath to cheer for Ottawa(ABO is a well known acronym) are going to be forced into an anti-Canadian position by cheering for the Ducks.
Yeah the Ducks there's a franchise with History.

Yes, I'm just busting on Leaf Fans for fun. Yes, I don't really care one way or another. Yes I only want Ottawa to win to drive Mike Boon bonkers.
Fact is, it's probably a good thing the Leafs won't win the Stanly Cup for yet another year, can you imagine what MLSE would raise the ticket prices to then?

Many of you know that I worship Tiger Woods. He is the simply the best golfer ever and that includes Jack, Arnie, Bobby, Lee and a bunch of old guys that used to play with branches and balls made of leather.
I like Tiger because I've been playing golf since I was a kid.

My Dad used to chips balls and work on his swing in our backyard and I learned from him.
I became a pretty good player at one point and have always had an interest in the instruction of the game. I also got that from my Dad. He loved talking about the finer points of the golf swing and very few conversations we had over the years didn't include golf-talk.
"Hey Lou, we've just had a baby girl!"
"That's great, congratulations."
"Yeah, and I think I've finally figured out what I'm doing in my downswing."

This summer will be the first without my Dad to talk golf with and I'll miss that.

Anyway I'd thought I'd share some of my accrued golf instruction-BS with you. These have come from years of hitting hundreds of thousands of balls,(seriously) hundreds of hours of lessons and reading numerous books. And of course "Things I learned from Lou!"
So here we go with the first in our new series...
HHdotcom's Easiest Golf Tips Ever.

1) Relax your hands and arms and let them hang down. Also strengthen your right hand grip-turn it clockwise-(if your a righty, left, if your not.) A stronger grip will feel funny at first but it will help you not slice...as much.

2) Play the ball further up in your stance-toward the target- and stand closer to the ball than you think you should. If your reaching too far to get to the ball you will do all sorts of things that will be no good. Topping, skulling, banana slicing. Sound familiar? Stand closer.

3) Swing at a pace wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy SLOWER than you think you should. Then slow it down again. One of the biggest mistakes you make is to swing too fast to let your natural co-ordination kick in. This is also one of the easiest things to fix.
Next time your on a range take a 7 iron and with a full swing, see how short you can hit it.
If you normally hit it 145 yards, try and hit it 75, but with a full swing. You will have to slow your motion down a lot and what you'll find is your ball contact will immediately get better and you'll start hitting in longer than normal.

Okay. That should be enough for now. I'll throw in a few more as the summer wears on. If you have any questions about your swing don't hesitate to ask.
Maybe this is what I should have been doing all these years!

Earlier this month I was part of the Toronto launch of Deaf for a Day. Check out the whole story if you like here .

(Actually looks like this nice person is trying to find something inside my head, a brain perhaps. A clue, maybe.)

Finally, later on I visited a school and as you can see they kids were quite frightened.

(That's my deaf-buddy BJ , the school principal Rita and some very confused kids. "Why is that hideous man wearing big headphones?")

Tomorrow I'll be part of the Deaf for a Day activities in Kingston. I really had a great time doing it in Toronto and I'm sure it will be just as amazing in the K-town.(Yes the K-town.)
For more info on the Canadian Hearing Society and all the great stuff they do go here. Then come back of course.

If your a parent no doubt you're familiar with the Harry Potter characters. Some of my fondest memories are of reading my oldest Harry Potter books at bedtime. When she was young I would read pages ahead to determine if the content would be too scary.
I loved the books too. And the movies.

Spencer, our 9 year-old has seen all the films and found this YouTube parody for me.
Very odd. Much like her.
Spencer's got a very grown up sense of humour (despite how infantile this video is) and when I told her the American Idol Finale was going to be 2 hours she said, "Two hours! What do they need two hours for? She wins, he loses, goodnight!"
She gets her timing from her mother.

Back in 1991 I did a parody song for a Blue Jays CD. I can't remember why we thought this was any good but we did. We were young and may have been high.
Originally I did this in Montreal and called it Habs to the Top. It was okay but again, kinda sucky.
Well, Boon gets a hold of it and delighting in it's crappy-ness threatens to hold the song for ransom and put it on his site if I don't pay up.
Go ahead says I. I'm not paying and thats that.

Read about the back and forth here and then tell me if I should have come up with something.

My buddy Thom Roberts a big shot at DHL sends me this stuff all the time.
Some of it has to do with Boobs and things.
Some of it makes me laugh.
This is one of the latter.
And as many of you know I enjoy it when the content flows this a way.
Thanks TR.

7 days and I haven't been able to write you anything. Like not having any phone or having the Satellite dish down or running out of waffles.
Dang I've felt like all my pals were out of town and I had no one to play with.

I'd like to be able to explain why you weren't able to read anything I wrote for the past week but I'm not really sure.
A) It has something to do with my Server being cheap and crappy.
B) Mostly A.
C) Also the Tech support people are all in India and they aren't being paid enough to give a rat's ass.

In the meantime lots' of stuff has happened.
-Jordin has won American Idol (I'm writing this before the results show, but she Blew it out Dog!)
-I've seen Shrek 3, Spiderman 3 and a great episode of the Soprano's.
-I opened our pool and declared it "Pristine."
-I seem to have gotten quite fat and grown some tiny "man" boobs.
-I've been to 2 soccer practices and a game and still have 3 more game/practices left this week.
-I received a ton of e-mails wondering where my lazy ass was and why I'm not writing anything.

Sorry for the break.
I can tell by my stats that plenty of you still came here for the last few days trying to see if there was anything new.
I'm glad to report that the break is over and the crap will flow again.

Humble Howard Dot Com peeps.
Sorry for the content delay but my site's been screwing up one way or another for a couple of days.
I hope to have some freshly baked bon mots of fun for you all later tonight or tomorrow.
Thanks and hope you all had a great long weekend.
hh

After a flight from LA I land in Montreal. I've been hired by CJFM to be the side-kick with my good friend Jeff Lumby on his show The Breakfast Club.(Yes that was actually the name.)
I've been out of Radio for nearly 4 years, doing stand up all over North America. Sick of the road and tired of being firmly in the Middle of the Pack I get a gig back on the air.

Jeff picks me up and drives me to the station to say hello.
The offices on are on Fort and St. Catherines, just East of the Old Forum. We go up the elevator and when the doors open the first person we run into is this cute redhead.

Lumby says,"This is Randee, she's interning in Promotions and with the newsroom and it's her birthday!"
"Happy Birthday Randee," I say. (I was very smooth.)

We started dating a week later. (By "Dating" I mean "doing it.")
We moved in together 3 months after.
We got married 18 months to the day.
We've been together 19 years as of today May 18th.
Moving to Montreal was the best decision I've ever made because of meeting her. The best decision by far.
It's hard to say what she see's in me but whatever it is I'm grateful and lucky.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANDEE. HAPPY 19TH YEAR. I LOVE YOU!

From time to time I'll submit an article to the National Post and my editor RR and it just wont' fit for any number of reasons.
A)The piece sucks.
B)Not enough Toronto-centric content.
C)Both A+B
D)A lot of A

Anyway I wrote this rambling thing about the mysterious world of Postering in Toronto and it's not going to run so I'm going to post it here in two parts.

I had a comment the other day from a women in Santa Cruz California about my Jerry Falwell bit.
Ms Strega had some nice words and I went to her blog to look around. Very interesting. Check The Strega's Story here.
While I was checking her out I came across this cool video of some dudes who repair electrical wires for a living.
Very well done video and an incredible job.

I was reading about Seinfeld's new Bee movie today and I was searching him on the YT.
I came across some old episodes and was reminded again of just how brilliant the show was.
This is just a little "Scratching the Surface."

I'm still in shock. Melinda Doolittle is off American Idol. Squeeze me? Jordin, yes. Blake? WTF!
I can't believe that MD won't be part of the final.
She was by far the most consistent and will no doubt have a great career.
What did her in?
Two things.
Her planet-sized head, and the little girls think Blake is hot. My daughters told me that and yes when they did it made me uncomfortable.

Here's something that will have absolutely no effect on my life. The Tony Award nominations have been announced.
Here's something else. Giant chunks of marble flying off the BMO office tower. I haven't been downtown much lately and in fact only go into the city now to score my Meth.

It was reported recently that Scientists have found that people who eat less live longer. Really?
They say that if you run your machine at near starvation levels you could live up to 40% more.
Thats' great, I'll live to be a hundred but I'll be hungry all the time.
That sounds like fun.
We'll end up with a population of old, scrawny, cranky people all whining about how hungry they are. Super.

Finally I came up with a great idea for a cooking show. My wife and I go around the world to all these exotic places, and while she is learning to cook the local food, I have sex with different women in all the villages. Then at the end of each show, she shows me what dishes she's learned to prepare and I introduce her to my latest village-girl hook-up.
I haven't run it by Randee yet so I'm not sure how she'll react.(Yeah right.)
It could be called Cook and Screw around The World, or something cool like that. I'll let you know what she thinks of it.

I drive a lot. I mean I drive my kids a lot. Charlie in particular but Spencer too and it's become more and more obvious that other parents are hip to the fact that I'm the "Out of Work Dad". I seem to drive all their kids around too.
Last couple of days.
Pick up Charlie and friend from school, drive friend home, drive Charlie home. After supper pick up friend drive her back to our house for School Project.

Next day.

Drive to Spencer's school for a thing in the morning./ Pick up Charlie and 2 friends after school, drive both friends to their house and then take Charlie home./ Then drive Charlie to Library to meet friends to work on School Project/, drive home./ Drive back to Library/, Charlie and friends not done, but Charlie's hungry so I drive to get a slice of Pizza/, drive Pizza back to Library/, go home. Later drive back to Library/, pick up Charlie and friend, drive friend home,/ drive Charlie home.

I'm not crapping you. This all happened since Tuesday. I mentioned before I'm like an ATM machine on wheels. Give my kids money, drive them around. My buddy Lou thinks I should get a chauffeurs hat with a big $ sign on it.

Dateline:Dalton McGuinty.
Premier Dalton McGuinty has used government aircraft flights worth up to $1 million since taking office in the fall of 2003 to reach destinations as close to Toronto as Hamilton and Niagara.
This just in from the Toronto Star who absolutely love our Premier and want to bath him in warm milk and then pat him dry and cuddle him like a puppy.
This story,is about as close as The Star gets to something negative about DM.

My first thought was, "Who Cares?" the dude is the Premier and let him use the freaking planes.
Then I read more and found out he's hopping around in a sweet-ass Beech King Air350 and which cost about 2 grand an hour to run and he's just going over to like Hamilton and Saint Catherines.
Hell I could fly him for way cheaper.

This is a Beechcraft King Air350.

This is a Cessna Cardinal 177 GSIN. My plane.
gsin%20small%20%28Small%29%20%28Custom%29.jpg

GSIN cost's a lot less than 2 grand an hour to operate and I would gladly fly Dallton and a couple of hot government chicks around the Golden HorseShoe. I mean I've got the time and a long as he springs for gas and beers were G2G.

I have interviewed Mr. McGuinty on many occasions and always found him to be a decent, affable fellow. Weird Liberal politics aside, I think it's okay for him to use a plane to go to the odd event, just scale it back a bit and let me be the one to fly.

My buddy Tim sent me this in response to my bit about Jerry Falwell.

Good Bolg about JF...what a bonehead. Gives those who believe in a Loving and Forgiving God the heebeegeebees and a bad rep. He's got no "street cred" in my opinion. And he DON'T speak for me and my faith at all.

These quotes (I think) best sum up the whole realm of self-serving religious fanatics in the world…and it applies to ALL of them (Jew, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Hindu, etc). God is Good. He is Love. Not all the BS humanity attaches to him. It must make him sick to his stomach to see his named dragged through the mud and attached to all the evil this world done “in his name” (9/11, Crusades, Inquisition, Waco, Palestine/Israel…you get the picture). Imagine how you would feel if some fanatic went and killed a bunch of people and said they did it out of devotion to you? Or because you told them to? Or that you need to hate someone because they are different? The God I believe in reached into the world to make it better. To show how love and acceptance are the way to solve problems. Not jerk people around because you don’t feel good about yourself. In the end, I find that humans do these things not because some higher-power/or some book told them to, but because "they need to find something to hate more than they hate themselves"…so endedth the lesson.

MacKnife weighed in with this after reading my comment about The Senators.

Like Freddie P, I'm a true, blue Leafs fan and when it comes to the playoffs and our beloved Leafs are out golfing, it's ABO (Anybody But Ottawa) for me. Couldn't give a crap that they are the only "Canadian" team left. They are led by the refugee from the Simpsons (Krusty the Klown) even though he has had a haircut, and he ain't Canadian anyway, and I hate the fact that he has a chance to hold the Holy Grail aloft before the Leafs captain, Sundin! Also the Senaturds owner is a traitor to this country anyway, by living abroad most of the year he avoids paying his taxes, so based on that, who really paid for that team, us, the Canadian taxpayer, that's who. And he wants Canadians to support them! Like hell! I will watch each and every game and hope fervently that the Senaturds choke yet again, if not against Buffalo then against whoever they face in the Cup final, and I hope it's Detroit and Hasek, coz they'll chew the Sens up and spit them back out!
GO ABO! GO!
PS Buffalo ain't dead, yet, twitching maybe, but not quite dead. Pray to Jesus for a resurrection!

Dave White and his Giant Brain sent me this. DW probably doesn't even have to use his hands, he just stares at the computer and it does his bidding.
The comic is a guy named Eric Oshea and I think you'll dig this.

Come on Toronto, isn't it time to get behind the Senators? Isn't it time to support an Ontario team that's just one win away from the Stanly Cup finals. Something an Ontario team hasn't done since people used to smoke in Hospital rooms?

I know this type of talk drives Leaf fans nuts. I feel bad for several of my best pals who love the Leafs and wished with all their hearts they didn't suck. But they do and that's a drag.

For years like you, I used to love watching the Leafs beat the Choke-Squad from our nationals capitol every spring. It was good times and special, happy days for all. But then the Leafs stopped making the playoffs and Ottawa stopped choking and losing and now it's just not as much fun anymore.
Winning a bunch of games can do that to the Leafs Nation.
The Senators are going to the Stanly Cup finals and the Leafs having been golfing for nearly a month.

Yes it will be painful to watch but maybe a team from this province will win the Cup again after 40 long, pathetic, ticket-price raising years.
Go Sens Go.

Well now, I guess it's going to be a rough couple of days for Jerry Falwell. You see JF is about to meet G*D and it may not go as well as he might have liked.

For year Jerry made a living turning religion into politics and preaching a sermon of hatred against any number of fellow humans. Homosexuals, women who wanted abortions, other religions and just about anybody who didn't think exactly like him. What a great guy.
Here's just part of his "legacy."

Fond of quipping that the Bible referred to "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," Falwell provoked a storm of protest when he said gays, lesbians and health workers who provide abortions were partly to blame for the September 11 attacks.
"I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians ... all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say: you helped this happen," he said.

Yes these are going to be a few tough days for Jer cause he's about to meet his maker and I'm guessing that won't go so well.

JF: Well I'm here, let's get started with an eternity of blessed light next you and your son.
GD:Just hold on a second there buckaroo. Did you really say gays, lesbians and health workers caused the 911 attacks? Hey Moses get over here, that idiot I was telling you about who had a beef with the Teletubbies just died and is in my office.
JF: I don't understand don't you hate Homo's and Liberals and Jews and A-rabs?
GD:(Starts to giggle) Hey Mohamed, get in here, you too Jesus I want to meet this guy. Listen Jerold I'm just curious where did you get all this hatred from?
JF: Well uh, I uh, in the Bible.
GD: (Stares at him in disbelief) Really. You got all this hate from my book? Well that's quite an achievement. Hey Jer, here's a news flash for you, it wasn't meant to be taken literally, any nitwit can see that.

George Carlin summed it up best:
"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

I've got to go to Spencer's school for some parent thing this morning so I haven't got a lot of time to blog. Last night I was checking out my buddy Boon's site Toronto Mike and I came across a great link.
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes.(I used one in the Falwell thing.)

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that!

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

We spent the weekend on an intensive IFR training course in Pennsylvania.(See ...Covered in Cheese below!)

Dave and I trained together in a full motion simulator for two days and we learned a lot.
Dave learned more than me cause he has a bigger brain.
Dave's brain is the size of a Smart Car.
My brain is the size of an Eggo waffle but I make Dave laugh and that's saying something.

I learned a lot from just watching Dave and his Smart Car-sized brain manuever this simulated flying machine through a series of potentially catastrophic events.
It was very very cool, if you like that sort of thing.

In our off hours we ate TCIC (Things covered in Cheese), laughed and had a few beers. Once I made Dave laugh so hard he teared up and made little girl noises. Take that Smart Car Brain.

On our way down there we were diverted briefly around the Pittsburgh area because a VIP was inbound along our route of flight. The vip? President Bush. That's right Dave and I and Airforce-Freaking-One where sharing the same air space for about 10 minutes. How cool is that?
If you put President Bush's brain and Dave's brain side by side, President Bush's brain would get all scared and run away crying. Even my Eggo waffle-sized brain is bigger than Georges'.

On the way home it was sunny south of Pittsburgh and then we hit some weather, for a second or two it snowed inside our plane (this even puzzled Dave!) and then we were in some nice solid cloud(IMC) for several minutes IMG_0067%20%28Custom%29.jpg

I am a little tired from nearly 16 hours of instruction squeezed into two days. Dave says he is too but I'll bet he could jam some more info into that Giant Skull/Brain cavity of his if he wanted to.

One of my best friends, Stinky, has a dog named Hogan. I'm his Dog-father and he is just about the most beautiful dog you've ever seen.

But what about your dog Tucker you say.
Ah, yes Tucker is not really a dog, he's more like a squirrel/cat/dog hybrid. He' my boy.

But Hogan, now Hogan is a Big Dog. He's a German short haired pointer with the most docile and sweet personality and recently he was profiled on a web site called The Daily Puppy.
These people are Puppy Freaks and they love the Hogan.
Check out the site here for the full Hogan profile and especially the comments.
In the meantime here's a shot of my Dog-Son. Stinky calls him monkey. Stinky is very strange.

I was in Waynesburg Pennsylvania this past weekend for some IFR training. More about that above. It's a little town south of Pittsburgh surrounded by green rolling hills and trees and a big coal plant that looks "real purty" all light up at night.
It's a typical little American town and for 3 days we at nothing but typical American food.
Man o Manashevitz.
Denny's, Bob Evans, Red Lobster, a Chinese Buffet and more Bob Evans. At every stop the food is decent the portions are enormous and cheese and fries accompany every meal.

Seriously.
No matter what you order nowadays in the good ol USA it comes with fries and it's smothered in cheese.

Me:"I'd like a ceaser salad please and whats your soup of the day?"
Big friendly waitress:"It's cream of 3 kinds of cheese and it comes with fries and gravy."
Me: "I'll just have the salad."
BFW:"But you have to have the fires and some cheese or I'll lose my job!"

Lately whenever I'm in the States I eat too much and I eat too often. It's like you get down there and see all these different products and go wild.
"Look it's Teriyaki Duck Jerky, let's get some."
It's easy to see why 60% of the country is obese or on their way.

One morning at Denny's I had the Grand Slam Ultimate omelette which would have fed my entire family breakfast for a week.
Of course it was covered in cheese.

(Sound of old time teletype)
This morning at approximately 5 am a huge storm raged in the Oakville area. Great flashes of lightening and thunder followed by heavy rain and at times hail, woke members of the Glassman family.

Howard Glassman, already awake and fretting by this time was visited by his eldest daughter Charlie and a request was made to "come sleep with me in the spare room."
Glassman, who has very few responsibilities these days jumped at the chance to be usefull.
Charlie immediately went back to sleep, while father Howard continued stewing and fretting while listening to the storm rage on. The one outside, not the one in Howard's already noisy skull.

The lesson?
Thunderbolt and lightening very very frightening.
Me.
Galileo. Galileo.Galileo.
Figaro.

For the next couple of days my buddy DW and I are going to a place near Pittsburgh for 2 days of intensive IFR training.
That's flying talk for just using the instrument of the plane. We're both IFR rated but we want to take it up a notch and spend some time in a simulator going through some emergency situations that you can't really replicate in the plane. Until they happen of course.

I want to also get some more "actual flying in cloud" experience.
Why is that such a big deal?
Well if your a pilot who's not IFR rated and you happen to wander into a cloud then its' Very Very Bad Jerry.
Think JFK jr.
If your an IFR rated pilot who's doesn't have a lot of experience, it's also not good.
Flying in and out of cloud safely is what I'm looking to learn to do.
For a little taste of IFR check this out.

The search for the UP Aerospace payload of experiments and the cremated remains of some 200 people — including Scotty of "Star Trek" fame as well as pioneering NASA Mercury astronaut Gordon Cooper — continues within New Mexico's rugged mountain landscape.

While all went well with the flight, the rocket components parachuted into rough-and-tumble terrain. Repeated searches within the landing zone have come up empty.

So let's review. The guy who played the Engineer of the Star Ship Enterprise, gets his ashes blasted into space and then something goes wrong with re-entry and now they can't find the remains.

Is that about it?
I'm I the only one who hears his voice in my head saying, "Aye dunno how much longer aye can hold er Capn!"
Yes? No.

Every day several thousand of you drop by here for a look-see and I thank you.
Thank you.
See I thanked you again.

Yesterday things went a little crazy in the Hits/Visits department and I couldn't figure out why.
Then I checked my stat generator in a category called "Visitor Paths." Basically the portal or entry door that people find your site.
For Regular Readers you probably just go to your favorites (I hope) and arrive directly. For others they might be googleing something and my site comes up. That's what happened yesterday.

Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought Barry Gibbs teeth, lips and shizzz-talking was weird.
Thousands of people were searching for the answers and my entry ranked very high.
In some cases if you Googled "Barry Gibbs Lip or Lips" my site ranked #2 or #3.
Which means a lot of people came here yesterday searching for the lowdown on his freaky upper lip which seemed to be non-existent.

The top searches on my site yesterday included.
Barry Gibbs lips.
Barry Gibbs upper lip.
Where are Barry Gibbs lips.
Barry Gibbs missing lip.
Potatoe Salad. Seriously someone was searching and hit my Potatoe Salad recipe

Anyway the fact is the dude had a little sompin sompin going on with his lip. So I googled it and found out his lip is shriveled-looking due to some old botox and his moustache is thinner than it used to be. So you now you know.
Of course he wasn't any where near as scary-looking as Kenny Rodgers when he showed up last year.

(I've seen Kenny Rogers and you sir are no Kenny Rogers.)

It's been a while since I've written an article for the National Post. I haven't really pitched them anything and I've been busy writing stuff here.
Recently I proposed something and was given the go-ahead. An article on postering. You know those flyers, posters and hydro pole decorations?

I will be sending it in today but I thought I'd give you HH dot com people an early look at the bit.
I'm never sure if they will be accepted so if it's not I'll release the full text later.

I have to go , (yes more meetings, no not about a job.) but I just caught this in the Star.
Did you Leaf Fans know the team had raised ticket prices again? I guess this happened last week but I just saw it.
Are you kidding?

40 years without a cup, x number out of the playoffs and the cost goes up?
I was joking that for the 40th anniversary the team should have lopped 40% percent off the ticket cost but I didn't think they'd have the audacity to RAISE the price.
Holy Crap.
Well done MLSE. Way to remind the Leaf fans of what saps you think they are.

Check out this story of how much more the team will make form broadcast rights.
Geez fellas, ya might want to give a little kiss or something before you tail-bone the faithful.

What the F%#k happened to Barry Gibb's upper lip?
Did I miss that note about some horrible lip-cancer or something, cause if I did, I'm sorry.
Dang that dude looked strange last night.
Not to mention he had borrowed teeth.
Seriously.
Every time he opened his mouth it came out sounding like Shizz-zzz. I can't actually write the word but you get the idea.

Contestant: Nice to meet you.
Barry Gibb: NIce to Shizz-zzz you, I can't wait to hear you Shizzz-ing my Shizzz-ongs.
Contestant: (Stunned silence and the "What did he just say?" look on face.)

Ryan: Seemed rushed and tiny.
When he stand next to Melinda, LaKisha or Jordin he seems even smaller.

Blake. Weak-going home-weak. Plus hair now just looks stupid.
LaKisha. Bad uniform, decent tunes...safe but not making the finals.
Melinada. Giant melon. Really big. Standing next to Seacrest seems like her heads the size of a VW. One good song, one bad song but on her way to the final 2. (Might try to stop looking surprised already.)
Jordin. Again, looks huge standing to Tiny Ryan but is clearly the front runner now and is getting better each week. Plus she's real cute. Yes I know she's only 17, that's why I said cute and not Hot. Hot is for when she turns 18.

Judges.
Paula-tard.
Randee-twit.
Simon-must be getting tired of the whole "making sense thing!"

Don't forget as Barry Gibb would say, "The Re-shizz-ult-shzzz Shizz-ow ishzzz tonight."

Roger Rick and Marilyn. Wow. That's the big time baby and yesterday I got a chance to hang with the legends.
Cept Rick who I believe works in another building for security purposes.

They couldn't have been nicer, more accommodating and hospitable. Why not. They're the Morning Dominators in Toronto and I'm a guy sitting on his ass in Oakville that used to talk on the Radio.

I've known Marilyn for a long time and Roger and I have always gotten along, but I was wondering if it was going to be weird.
It wasn't.
Marilyn hugged and kissed me a lot and Roger was really funny.

This is something called The Gorgeous Tiny Chicken Machine Show. I'm not kidding.
It features a cute Japanese women in some sort of tu tu and she interviews people.
Welcome to entertainment in 2007.
Enjoy.

If you have kids you will be going to this movie. No questions.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
Njoy.

I haven't done the FAQ bit in a while and I don't think this dead horse is beaten yet.
For a little background on this Hysterical HH bit read this.

Are you back? Then Let us begin with some HH Dot Com Frequently Asked Questions.

I hear you're bored, is that true? By bored do you mean ready to take a gig at The Weed Man, then yes.
Do you know anything about weeds? No. Wait yes. Weeds are bad. Weed is good.
How do you pass the time these days? I stare at my reflection and wonder "What the hell does it all mean?" Then I nap.
Are you serious? No are you?
How would you describe your state of mind? Octagon shaped. Occasionally triangular with some lace piping.
Are you able to spend more time with your family. Only when I'm not staring and napping. I spend a lot of time driving my daughters to things and giving them money. I'm like a ATM on wheels.
Are you being funny. No are you?
One last question. Did you lose the required weight to have your hernia operation? By lose do you mean gain?
So are you having your hernia fixed. Yes. My neighbor's going to do it.
When do you plan to lose the extra pounds? Just a soon as fries stop tasting so good. Gravy too. And when the Mandarin shuts down.

No don't spaz out I'm not going to be working with the Legendary Morning Trio. I am however going to be appearing on the show today around 8:40 promoting hearing awareness month for the Canadian Hearing Society.
In case you didn't know I'm the honorary Chairmen for the Deaf for a Day campaign-I wrote about it last week hereand here.
-and RR and M were nice enough to have me on to promote it.

It's going to be weird.
1) Being on their show after competing with it for so long...mostly unsuccessfully and...
2) They are Legends and I am pipsqueak-ish.
3) What if the three of them push me back and forth until I fall down and skin my knees.

Actually I have met all three and they are very nice. They'll probably have someone else push me back and forth for them.

True story: I've been friends with Marilyn since we both lived in Calgary. The first time we met I was Frenching her roommate and she walked in. I don't remember the girls name but I've been pals with MD ever since.
Never French-kissed her though.
Yet.

There's no accounting for taste and I have always liked this dude. Maybe cause he's so freaking different.
Here's a little bit of him at his freakiest on Letterman and then a cool clip of Dave interviewing TW back in 1986.
Enjoy.

Vintage Dave. You can tell Dave loves this guy probably for the same reason I do. In fact it was the early Letterman appearances that introduced me to Tom Waits in the first place. That and my Brothers.
Enjoy some more.

My friend and neighbor Vinny B sent me this.
How can you resist a game called Guess what's in my Pants?
You can't that's how.
Enjoy.

A) Because I'm nearly 60.
B) My mother-in-law was on the couch beside me and she's just so cozy.
C) I and everyone else knew Tiger was going to win.

Others have complained that he's bad for the sport because the outcome is a forgone conclusion.
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying that the Watchcover-e-yah championship or whatever it's called was not a big enough tournament to get me all jazzed up to watch TW mop the field.
Fact is I didn't turn the thing on until Sunday afternoon and I let my wife talk me into letting her mother come and watch it. Her analysis. "I never liked Vijah, I don't know why!'
Great. It's come to this.

Tiger won because on a tough course if he makes an eagle and a bunch of birdies in the last round he can't lose. He tried believe me, but it's not in the cards.
I nodded off after he got to 5 under on the back 9, woke up to see him three putt, dozed through another birdie and then came to as he played 18 the way you play the last hole if you have a 2 shot lead.
Even CBS sounded a bit bored.
"...and Tiger Woods is the 2007 Watchamacallit Champion. Okay, now we can all go get some dinner!"

Tiger Notes
2007 season.
6 starts-3 wins, 5 top tens.
Money List leader.
Fed Ex Cup leader.
Winner of 9 of his last 12 PGA tour starts dating back to 06.
Still to come. Birth of the Tiger Baby.

300 days off.
I've had 300 days off since we went on vacation last July 1...give or take.
I've been thinking about what that's meant.
No getting up at 3:15am.
No going to bed at 9:30.
No show prep. No PD meetings. No sales people, no remotes.
No Radio.

That's the obvious stuff. Obviously I haven't been on the air, cept the interviews I've done promoting my book.

Do I miss it? Yes and no.
Yes I miss the people in the office, listeners, and especially the folks I worked with.
No I don't miss getting up in the middle of the night, being scrutinized by management and getting up in the middle of the night.

300 days off. The most time I've had away from a job in nearly 20 years.
Yes I've got a lot of things on the go, and I go to a lot of meetings. I have a great family and a lot of great people I hang with.
But truthfully like a lot of out-of-work people, after 300 days what I mostly feel is bored.

Define boredom.
The other day I spent 20 minutes trying to get the perfect shot of my dog humping a slipper.

Just a few more minutes of your life wasted being amused by Stupid Guy Stuff.
Some of your hot hhdotcom chicks might dig this too.
It takes a while and it sort of peaks around the 4 minute mark.
Enjoy.

If you've got 9 minutes to kill watch it all. It's also funny a couple minutes at a time.
The premise is simple. Do funny crap to one another in a library...of course No Talking.
Perfectly stupid humour.

Mike Boon and I are getting to be good friend. How do I know? The way any guy knows. Most of our conversation consists of making fun of each other in an infantile and immature way. That's the difference between men and women.
Women make fun of each other to other women behind their backs.
Guys just tell you your an ass-wipe to your face!

The other night MB and I were Google-Chatting and it began thusly. (Yes I said thusly!)

8:00 PM Toronto Mike: you got gill deacon cancelled!
8:16 PM Howard: eat me nerdlinger
8:16 PM Toronto Mike: and it's Gill, not Gil!
8:18 PM Howard: boon, where'd ya go?
8:18 PM Toronto Mike: you logged off for a second
8:18 PM Howard: I didn't mean too. ya ass.

It goes on for quite some time. Longer than you'd think. Check out the rest of this discussion between two 9-year-olds, here.

Go Raptors Go.
Having a team in the playoffs is cool. Even though I won't likely sit down to watch I'm hoping they win cause it's more fun than losing.
I remember when the Leafs were in the playoffs beating Ottawa all the time and even for a non-Leaf fan it was pretty exciting.

Yesterday I met a women who reads peoples faces. She was on the Gil Deacon show and backstage she looked at my eyebrows and told me I had a very busy mind.
Really? Genius.
She also said that since my eyebrow hair grows in all different directions it's hard for me to focus on any one thing. Come on! You can get all of that from my eyebrow hair?
If she'd of had more time I could have showed her my ear-hair, nose-hair and that weird wolverine-bush that's been developing around my lower back.
"You have an active mind and could use a little waxing..."

Tiger's playing golf this weekend. It's a non-major, non-WGC (World Golf Championship) and I won't watch it until Sunday afternoon.
I find that I've lost a lot of interest in a game that used to be my obsession, even when El Tigre is playing.
Strange how that is.
People tell me I'll come back to it someday and maybe they're right. I mean I've been obsessed with touchy-selfy since I was a kid and I haven't lost interest in that.
Too much information.?

Weekend To Do List:
Cut grass.
Talk to neighbor in front about dieing tree.
Talk to neighbor in back about their not allowing Spencer on their property.(Long story-maybe later.)
Go eat ribs at Dave's.
Drive kids here.
Drive kids there.
While driving older kid try to be invisible, or at the least try not to embarrass her.
Fail at that last part.

The Gil Deacon Show has been canceled. Hey, it's not my fault I was only 3 times for crying out loud. It usually takes way longer for shows I've done to tank.
I feel bad for her though. She's a good chick and I'm sure they'll find something else for her.
Why they've said as much themselves.
Check it here.

Yesterday I was on and it was a lot of fun. I was not Shushed and other than starting a thought right at the end of the segment, I thought it went well.
Considering my level of self-loathing that's saying something.
I believe the thing airs Monday at 11am and 2pm and you should PVR it if for no other reason than at more than one point I have a paper bag over my head. I'm not kidding.

Tom Poston died.
Weird how I missed this but I did. Couple of days ago I guess. He was a great guy and one of my favorite comic character actors.
Read the official stuff here then come back.

Years ago I'm in Calgary and hosting a TV show for kids. Very hip type of program, basically Letterman for 11-16 year olds. Tom Poston is in town doing some Stage West deal and I interview him.
Couldn't have been nicer. Couldn't have been more gracious and said some things to me that made me feel like I was in the "Business."
He didn't have to do that but it was very appreciated by an impressionable 23 year old. I mean this guy had worked with Steve Allen, the original TV Talk Show Host.

I never forgot how cool he was with me and I used to get a kick out of watching him on Newhart.

I'm sorry he's dead and I'm sort of weirded out that I didn't know it till Thursday night.
Having no Radio gig has allowed me not to keep up on the day to day showbiz stuff.
Hey did you hear that Britney has gone nuts and shaved her head?

I have to go do the Gil Deacon show but on my way out I saw this in the Star.
It's about the rebirth of Moose Jaw and its status as the leader in tourist growth in the country.
Seriously.
Have a look here.

I've been writing for some time about our lad Tucker the 5 pound Miki dog and his two slippers. His "bitches" so to speak. He drags them around the house and quite regularly give them the business. I mean he gives it to them. It's quite something to see. Intimidating really.

Well yesterday I was a bit bored in the late afternoon. The oldest had come through the house with her posse and they went out to a park and the youngest had yet to be dropped off.
So I spent the better part of 20 minutes stalking Tucker trying to capture him in full on Slipper-humping action..
If you google Hot Steamy Miki Love this is what you'll see.

See now when my kids ask me "So daddy what did you do today?" At least I'll have something to say!

I'm going back on the Gil Deacon show today and this time I'm going to speak when spoken to.
This will be my third time in total and second time in less than a month.
On my last appearance I was Gil-shushed and then after had breakfast with Jean Chretian. Sort of.
Read about it here.

I think Gil is cute and I'm not sure but I think she has a crush on me too.
Look at this picture and tell me Gil isn't crushing on The Howie. She's holding the coffee cup in a way that says, "Guys that refer to themselves as The Howie turn me on!"

I'm on with a couple of guys to talk about being married. Not to each other but to our chicks. Should be fun and provocative and loud. I love that combination.
I'll let you know when the air date is unless I come off like a complete arse again and Gil has to tell me to shut my silly-ass mouth.

I don't care about Heroes or House or Grey's Anatomy or The Office. I know I'd like these shows (I loved the Ricky Gervais Office and I like Steve Carrell.) but I'm just not ready to invest the time. If I was still doing a morning show I'd have to be at least able to converse about them but since I'm not I don't and so not-so-much the caring.

I have little or not interest in the NHL playoffs and could care less if the Blue Jays play or not. Having said that I'd way rather go to a Jays game then see Ottawa vs New Jersey. My accountant has sweet-ass seats right behind home plate and before this summers over I'm going to score them for a night and then scalp them.
Hey I don't have a gig remember and the kids have to eat.

I still don't care about Dancing with the Stars, I'm not a fan of that Giant-Headed host-guy who also MC's The Hollywood Squares, he scares me.

I don't care about Rachel Ray. I used to like her on the Food Network but I'm not even sure her talk show is still on the air. If it is or it isn't it won't make no never mind. Giada Delaurentis is my girl and she knows it.

I don't care about The Spring Book, what's new at Wonderland, how many listeners XM claims to have on the Gardiner, Battered Calamari, Mats Sundin's hip or any other Sundin joint, boys that my daughter likes (I really don't care for them or about them!) and white wine. I tried to like it but sorry it sucks and if white wine knocked on my door I'd pretend I wasn't home.

I just heard that Survivor is down to it's last 3 episodes. Is that true? Survivor is still on the air?
Haven't watched a full episode in over a year. Strange, I used to love it, now I don't care.

Speaking of strange. Today is the 40 year anniversary of the Leafs last Stanly Cup win. Wow. That is just all manner of funny. 40 freaking winless years and I'll bet the club is about to announce another ticket price increase.
To celebrate the 40th anniversary they should lower next years prices by 40%. Yeah that'll happen when the day the Oil companies stop hosing us.

Speaking of Oil companies.(Are you sensing a theme today? I am.)
I love this excuse for raising prices. "........Rising costs due to lower inventories..blah blah lie blah bull-sh*t blah...."
Why do the costs go up when the supplies are down yet when the supplies are up the costs never go down at the same rate.
I know the pump price is down 4 cents today but stand by for a major hosing come the May 24 long weekend.

Finally I don't know what's wrong with the universe these days. The sun is shining, my mood is good, I'm sleeping okay and Paula actually made some sense last night on American Idol.
Am I being punkd?

Amazing. Amazing what we take for granted. The ability to hear and process information in a world that is built for us.
It's a given. When that's taken away it is sobering.
I was only made "pretend deaf" for a short time, an hour or so, but the lessons of the experience will be with me a lot longer.

I had a great day as the Honorary Chair for the CHS the people I met were great, and the VIPs involved were awesome. Singer Michael Burgess, Larry Hyett,- Vice President Retail Sales and Service, TD Bank Financial Group, Bill Stewart-Toronto Fire Chief Dan Duguay-Vice President of CUPE 1750, Joe Sgro-Vice President of Specialized Claims Services Division.
Great guys and very well spoken when it came to the experience. More about that later. Oh yeah Fire Chief Bill has the most powerful handshake I've ever felt. Mines fairly strong, but his is punishing. His says, "I'm the Fire Chief and rest assured, everything will be okay. Now settle down Mister!"

May is hearing awareness month and I urge you to get more information about this astonishing group of people and their organization.

Through the various meetings and correspondence with the people I've met at CHS I'm so glad I got involved. I feel that I'm the one that's benefited. I've been privileged to get a glimpse into a world I knew nothing about and one that is filled with smart, funny and engaging individuals who happened to have an inability to hear but are great listeners!

So here was the deal. The CHS peeps arranged for my hearing to be blocked about 56-60%.
Some goop that hardened in my ears(safely!) and some noise canceling head phones and I was off to complete a task with out being able to hear, write notes or speak. The idea was to experience the frustration of dealing with a world that is not always set up to accommodate the deaf.

I had to go to an elementary school, sign my kids up for class, learn about the type of programs they offered, the type of discipline, the style of teaching and the documentation required.
It was hysterical.
Like playing charades with strangers.

The principal Rita, couldn't have been nicer. I was flapping my hands wildly trying to indicate that we had just moved into a house in the neighborhood and that I wanted my kids to come to the school, but I'm pretty sure she thought I was having a seizure and that I need her to call 911.
Eventually it all worked but I was sweating it out for 45 minutes and I'm still not sure if the kids are going into grade 7 or she think I have 7 kids.

I had an idea it was going to be frustrating for me but I didn't think about how frustrating it would be for the person I had to deal with. It is a reality that deaf people deal with all the time. They never know what kind of reception they will get from the non-deaf people as they navigate through a world that isn't always set up for them. It was an very interesting experience to say the least.

Lastly but not leastly.( I know that's not a word.) My deaf-buddy BJ. Couldn't have been a better fit for me-he loves to eat and he's really funny. He and my other handler, Cheryl, accompanied me on my journey and it was a riot. He signs so expressively it's quite easy to know what he saying. It's the longest I've spent with someone who can't hear and it was a big part of the day for me.

It's scary at first cause you don't want to do/say something offensive. It's how we all act when we're around people different than our selves.(I won't say handicapped cause deaf people aren't!)
But after a while me and BJ were talking about the same crap you'd talk about with anyone. Kids, wives, food, chicks, drinking beer and bs-ing. All without saying a single word.

The biggest thing I learned was that when your with deaf people you make a lot more eye contact in a conversation. Seems obvious but its a very different kind of discussion. Most of the time when other people speak your just thinking about what you're going to say next. But with deaf people the whole conversation seems to have more FOCUS.
That's what it is. More focus and you come away from it feeling a bit more connected. That's what you should know. Even though the deaf aren't speaking the way you and I do they are connecting in a way that most of us wish we could do more often.

As some of you already know I've been chosen to be the Provincial Chair for the Canadian Hearing Societies Deaf for a Day campaign. Today is the day we kick off the month long awareness campaign and I'm pretty excited.

Today, myself Michael Burgess and some others will be made to feel what deaf people have to go through every day.
It's quite an adventure and I'll let you know all about it in Wednesdays edition of the drivel-fest known as Hh.com.
If you need to know some stuff right now go here.

By far the most response I've gotten lately is to this entry.
Several folks told me it made them cry. Me too. Sorry bout that but this getting-over-a parents-death thing ain't easy.

I had a lot of very poignant and personal messages from people and I appreciate it. Yes I guess misery and grief love company and I'm glad to be keeping such well-meaning and supportive company at that.
Here's was a typical note.

Howard; I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom 3 years ago this month and a day doesn't go by that i don't think about her, hear her voice, miss her...
The good news is that the grief does subside and you are left with all the wonderful memories. i realized the day my mom died that my life would never be the same again; its not but i'm still the person i am and better for her having raised me. i treasure our lives together and she's with me always in spirit. your dad will be with you also. in the meantime; you have my support and sympathy.

I'm feeling pretty good this week. Maybe keeping busy or the sun or going flying helps me to take my mind off of things. Maybe getting past another milestone(6 month anniversary) helps too.
Thanks again to all you nice folks who sent me notes. Now, lets' get back to the juvenile content.

My camera's fixed. I was trying to take some pictures of our dogs stupid haircut and I dropped it on the floor and jammed the lens. Apparently this is fairly typical and not too expensive to repair. The problem with these digital cameras (mines a Cannon 530) is they have become so inexpensive that in some cases replacing them is cheaper than repair. The cost of my unit (camera) is about 130 less in less than a year. Seriously. At any rate here finally, is a shot of Tucker and the worlds stupidest dog haircut. IMG_0048%20%28Custom%29.jpg

See the body was shaved and they left the head all shaggy-like and it's thrown him into some kind of doggy-depression. I'm telling you he's afraid to be seen around the neighborhood. We keep telling it'll grow back but he just looks at us like,"Sure, sure, aren't you the same freaks that did this to me?"

Finally. Randee, as some of you kids already know, is away in Las Vegas.(Vegas Baby! Funny how nowadays whenever anyone says Las Vegas someone invariably says "Vegas Baby!" Strange how tribal we all are.)

Point is I'm Mr. Mom/Dad. Besides the crap I normally do-shell out money and drive kids-I'm trying to keep up with some of Randee's stuff. Not so easy.

Last night I picked up the little one from school, got her a snack, took her to singing lessons, went to grab a sub for older one who had to eat early because of soccer. Picked up 2 of older ones soccer friends, then picked up little one from singing and drove everyone to soccer. Dropped off soccer punks, then took little one out for supper and to do her homework. After, picked up soccer punks, drove friends home and then brought my kids back home. Also made lunches, packed snacks and got nap sack ready for field trip. My wife has been away less than 36 hours.
Surely she's ready to come home by now isn't she?

Randee is funny. Kind, unique, sweet and funny. And a cool chick.
A friend of mine said the best thing about Randee is you always feel better after having spent time with her.
Of coruse he's never gotten her mad! HOWARD%20AND%20RANDEE%202006%20%28Custom%29.jpg

HOWARD%20AND%20RANDEE%202006%20%28Custom%29.jpg

I like that Randee thinks I'm funny and when I make her laugh she's one of those people who really laughs.
She's in Vegas with her friends and sent me this e-mail.

Hi Sweets, in Vegas...Miss ya.

I replied.
Hi Randee.
Have you ordered the male hookers yet?
Love you,
h

She sent this back.
Ya we made a mistake, they sent little oriental girls instead. Wish you were here!

That's my girl.
(Btw. I don't know why this picture of me makes my head look conical, it just does.)

Twitter Updates

Search

Monthly Archives

Sites I Like

May 2007 Archives