November 2007 Archives

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Couple of quick things for a friday.

I've gotten quite a few e-mails about Freddyp's site being down. Don't know what is going on but this guy is on the case and I'm sure things will be solved soon.

Hey Leafs way not to suck last night.
Congrats Leaf Fans on a nice victory. The first in nearly 2 weeks.
These days a Leaf win is like finding change underneath your couch cushions. Unexpected, delightful and rare and you're never sure when it'll happen again.

I'm going to be on CBC Radio in Regina this afternoon doing some promo for The CBC national Radio show The Debaters.
It's so weird to me that in the past 13 months I've done more Radio, print and live performances in Saskatchewan than in all the previous 25 years combined.
My Dad would have loved all of this stuff and I guess he's getting a kick out of it somewhere.

The Debaters line-up is pretty cool.
Judy Croon, Neil Crone and Manoj Sood from Little Mosque, Al Rae, Dan Redican, Simon Rakoff, Carrie Gaetz (funny chick I worked with last night.) and Big Daddy Tazz from Winnipeg who is like some Prairie stand-up legend.
Also my Brother Steve will be there to hang-out and see what it looks like when someone from CBC actually hires me.
Basically it's like 20 minutes of work surrounded by 2 days of drinking and freezing our asses off.
One of the producers said, "You'd better dress warmly it's nearly minus 35!"
I said it wouldn't matter cause I'm sure it's not minus 35 in the cab, the Hotel and the Studio. I don't see myself going for any long, leisurely walks on the frozen tundra.

Have a great couple of days and I'll try and check back in when I return.

Category: HumbleStuff

Posted by Humble on November 30, 2007 @ 12:24 | Permalink

Not all Americans are Stupid. Just some. Okay a lot but not all!

Oh my God.
This is another in our series of "Americans are Stupid" that show up here from time to time.
I got this from Boons site and I'm telling ya, Kelly Pickler from American Idol is one hot-stupid chick.
"I thought Europe was a country!"
Enjoy.

Category: YouTubery

Posted by Humble on November 30, 2007 @ 10:38 | Permalink

Some College of Art stupid thinks a bomb sculpture might make an interesting art piece when juxtaposed against a background of blah blah shut your pie-hole.
How bout the fact that it scared the crap out of a bunch of people, mobilized the city's SWAT team and screwed CANFAR out of nearly 500 grand in funding while costing them a cool 100 grand out of pocket.
Wow that's some fine ART you've got there.

The Fake-Bomber Thorarinn Jonsson, 24, said he never expected his art project to result in such an "overreaction", since he left a note on the suspicious package indicating it was not a bomb.
Oh he left a note. Well what was the big fuss then. He left a note.
I wonder why those silly cops didn't just read the note and sound the all-clear?
Thorarinn(you just knew he'd have a name like Thorarinn) should be fined and the College of Art sued for damages.
CANFAR which is a major AIDS fundraiser is looking for help go here if you're so inclined.

You probably heard there was a video posted on YouTube. If you're curious check it out here.
It, like the Fake Bomb guy, is also stupid.

By quick and dirty I'm not talking about my sex life. I would like to but Randella reads this once in a while and she wouldn't be amused. Not that she's all that amused when she does read it.

I've got a script to revise for one of my little TV projects so I can't play much bloggy blog today. Sorry.
I have tried to toss out some extra drivel this week hoping that you drivel-fans will be satiated.

Item #1.
I am doing some more stand-up tonight at Absolute Comedy. I am a little sick and a bit hung over but I'm eager to try out some new stuff and a couple of things I'll be doing on CBC's The Debaters. (It's a show that features comics doing a mock debate. Just an excuse to fling jokes back and forth.)
I'll try and post one of the jokes tomorrow. In the meantime here's an report on my act from an actual audience member.
Hey Howard,
Funny set at Absolute Comedy on Friday. I was the guy (Mike) in the front row who's birthday it was. I know you're a good friend of Mike Boon's, and he's a teammate of mine on our softball team. So it was good to see you do so well.
Thanks.
Mike Kic

Item #2.
I've been working a couple days this week at my new gig at ACME pictures. No I didn't make that up. I'm learning to direct and produce corporate video, commercials and some broadcast TV stuff. I've done one job already and now I've just started a second one.
Going to work is fun. The driving to work sucks ass.

Item #3.
I went to that Gary Slaight thing last night and ran into almost every dude I ever worked for. JJ, Blair, Stu, Gary R, Jeff V, Bob H, Rob B and so on. Lots of Radio people although only one other "on air" person, Maureen Holloway. She's nice and smells good.

It was quite the evening with lots of food and booze and making fun of Gary. He was genuinely touched by some of the remarks. The highlight had to be when Jim Cuddy and Greg Keelor got up and played a few songs (Yes Blue-freakin Rodeo inside a small restaurant.)
They, like a lot of Canadian artists benefited greatly from Gary's support over the years and just wanted to be part of the big tribute and say thanks.
Yes I was a bit drunk but still I got chills when the two of them did Lost Together.
Very cool.

Okay that's it. No YouTube or funny pictures or making fun of the Leafs. You'll have to do that for yourself.
Bewell,
hHdotcom.

The first time I worked for Gary was 1989 in Montreal, he hired me again in 1991 and then again in 2003. I've no doubt that if he still had Radio stations he'd hire me again.
Oh yeah he also fired me a couple of years ago but I still like him.

He's a smart smart guy, a sharp broadcaster and a unique individual. By unique I also mean very bizarre at times and not everyone digs him.
I always did and firing aside, I have had a pretty good relationship with him for a long time.
Even after he gassed me we continued to have lunch every so often and talk on the phone.
He always has some good advice and insight. Hey, as my buddy Lou says, there's nothing wrong with having a Billionaire return your calls.

Tonight I'm going to an exclusive tribute dinner and when the invitation came I said yes right away.
I figure he could pack the place with just people that he's fired and hired back.
Who knows maybe he'll give me a job as his personal pilot.
Or butler. Or butler/pilot/funny-Hebrew guy.

I don't want to dump on the Maple Leafs again but it's just too pathetic to ignore.
No matter what the team has done the fans continue to follow. Leaf Nation wouldn't know what to do if the squad was any good. I swear the fans say they want a better team but I think they secretly enjoy squawking about how bad the Leafs suck.
I admire the fact that this team gets support no matter who's on the ice,
as long as they are wearing the blue and white.

"Dressing for Toronto tonight, 3 giant turds, a Beaver carcass and an old bucket!"
Later on Leaf Talk it would be:
Andy:(Fake big-voiced Arse.) I thought the Beaver carcass looked dead out there tonight.
Gino: (From Woodbridge-calls every night.) Yah Andy the carcass isn't playing the kind of defense the Leafs are paying him for.
Andy:(FBVA) I agree with you agreeing with me. I did think one of the turds and the old bucket played a decent third period.

Now the big story is how Richard Peddie made a mistake by hiring John Ferguson Jr. and blah blah blah..fire the Coach...blah blah, Blake has the kind of Cancer that allows him to play but not score goals.
It's the Leafs. How else can you explain it. It's the franchise that was built on an Indian burial ground or something.
It is great at one thing though, giving their fans a constant source of grief and the all important "Something to Bitch and Whine about" all the time.
That's worth the annual ticket price increase alone.

Buddy Mitch L sent me this YouTubery that is really hard to watch. Then it gets easier cause it's so ridiculously bad.
Some pageant contestants talent portion where she plays a trumpet solo over the Star Wars theme.
No I'm not making that up.
Truly a classic.
Enjoy.

Team Gold versus Team Psycho Coach. The re-match.
The last time we me this team Coach me Coach Psycho Freak-Out had some issues. To say the least.
This time it was all smiles and nods and being congenial all the while hoping to kick his Teams arse.
Well our wish came true.
11-5 on the strength of some fine Rachel/Tori goal-tending, great Team Gold D and finally some goals from the Coaches Kid.
Charlie had her typical assists and then the flood gates opened and she popped in three.
We got 2 each from Rhianna, Carly and Taylor along with singles from The Mighty Gab-Attack and Hilary H.
2 more games to go undefeated for the season. Then we get a pizza party. Hmmm pizza party.
Coach Marc and I will probably was down our pizza's with a few beers. Then we'll ride off into the sunset Girls U14/15 coaching legends. Like Bear Bryant if he coached girls indoor soccer.

Game Notes:
Coach Psycho Freak-Out screamed nonsense the entire game. He is a nonsense yeller. I couldn't for the life of me believe I ever got that mad at him.
Next week Coach Marc won't be there and I'll have to miss the first half. Team Gold will be in the hands of Coach Marc's wife Julie A and my wife Randee. This would be worth filming, trust me.

I take no joy in the fact that the Leafs suck.
Okay that's a lie. I do.
I enjoy it very much.
I feel bad for the Leaf fans (Leaf Nation!) because they are a hearty, mis-guided lot who no matter how much vomit-inducing shiza-hockey MLSE feeds them, they still support their team.
Well now it seems that at least one fan has had enough.

Go to The Boon and check out his Maple Leaf Eulogy.
Sad times indeed.
(yes I know this is the second thing from mike's site today but this is why I originally went there then I found the other thing. So sue me.)

This sh*t is off the hook.(Thats how the kids talk ain't it?)
I was browsing the Boon and came across this YouTube thing and I dug it.
So will you. Just be careful there is a few swears in it, Mother F-er.
Enjoy.

Wow.
Riders over the Bombers and I watched the whole thing. Every minute of it and it was great.
Not a great game but a great event.
The stadium, the atmosphere and the great "little hole on the prairie city winning in the big town!" story-line.
This weekend I'll be Regina for a CBC show called The Debaters and I'm sure the town will still be buzzing.

The Grey Cup is usually a more offense-driven affair but It didn't disappoint. The Winnipeg QB Dinnwiddie starting his first CFL game, Kerry Joseph sucking in the first half and still a nail-biter at the end.
I wasn't that big on Lenny Kravitz screeching during halftime but that's what PVR's are for.

The real reason I watched and enjoyed this game so much had to do with my Dad. My father loved this team and I felt a weird sense of duty to support the Riders on his behalf.
I was a little choked-up at the end.
A great sporting event can do that for you.

Dan Duran is sending this around and it provided me with 2 things.
1) About 15 minutes of distraction from actually doing anything constructive.
2) About 15 minutes of aggravation.

Try and solve the problem. I'll post the answer in the comment section of the entry.
I'll tell you now it's not 9618.

-There is a bus with 7 Girls
-Each girl carries 7 bags
-Inside each bag there are 7 cats
-Every cat has 7 kittens
-All cats have 4 legs each
Question: How many legs are in the bus?

I was 17 in 1977 and Steve Martin was the hottest thing in comedy.
I walked around doing his bits and talking like him all the time. My friend Danny K and I would "get small" and listen to Steve Martin records and howl.
By howl I of course mean laugh like the high chimps we were.

The first time I did stand-up at a real comedy club was Punchlines in Vancouver and I walked on stage with a tennis racket cover on my head.
It was because I wanted to be Steve Martin.
(The tennis racket cover bit has since been retired. Btw I was pretending I was the Pope playing Tennis. Hilarious right?)

Anyway in 1981 Steve Martin stopped doing stand-up and never went back again.
The book Born Standing Up is about his life leading up to and including that amazing time in the late 70's when he was playing arenas and selling millions of albums.
I read it in two days.
If you remember Steve Martin as more than the dad in the Cheaper by the Dozen movies you will love this book.

My new pal Thom R from ACME, not to be confuse with my other pal Thom R from DHL, gave me the heads-up on some vintage Christopher Walken.
This bit is called Cow Bell.
It also features Will Ferrell.
Take 5 minutes away from your grown-up work and have a laugh.

The Slime that Men do is still for sale.
Either on this site at Chapters or here.
A wonderful Holiday gift for the Slime-Er or Slime-EE on your list.

I'll be downtown at Insight today then over to Acme and then home getting ready for some more standup.
Last night I say my old pal Lou Eisen for the first time in a long while. Very funny dude who had a heart attack a few years ago and now tours his one man show, "The Angina Monologues!"
It went pretty well, considering we only had 25 people. After all it was cold and it snowed so what can you expect. (Yes that was sarcasm.)
Tonight and Saturday should be way better.

Sunday I've got a fund-raiser for the LKTYP and then of course the Grey Cup.
Can't wait for that.
Green Riders against the Blue Bombers.
Saskatchewan versus Winnipeg.
Or as Torontonians call it "A place I don't care about versus another place I could give 2 sh*ts about!"

All I know is my Dad used to cheer for Regina and my Mom for the Bombers so I'll be glad no matters who wins.
Have a great weekend.
Bewell,
h

My pal Pierre sent me this.
Pierre used to coach Charlie in soccer and he' s a good dude with a great family.
He also appreciates a nice bum. Do you?
Check this.

People let's just remain calm. It's only a few flurries.
This is how my day started.
"Daddy the buses have been canceled can I stay home, everyone else is..."
After that my wife and I played a game of "who does the dog love more" and then it was time
to rise.
As for my oldest Daughter the weather caused her quite the conundrum.

It was back and forth, touch and go. She was staying home, we'd make her read and clean up and then she could go visit her friends. Then all of a sudden, her friends were going to school and then so was she and I was the "bus driver!"
That's okay, that's the type of thing I get to do now that I have no regular gig.

I don't know why we freak out so much about a little snow. We're Canadians. There was a time we walked hundreds of miles in snow, we trapped Beavers and ate them raw. Now a little precipitation and we turn into a city of suck-holes.
Yesterday it took me and hour and 40 minutes to get to work because it rained.
Why? It wasn't raining Fire! Giant spears of fire weren't pounding down on our roofs were they?
No but a few hours of rain and all of us from Burlington to the DVP just crawl along wondering why it's going so slow.
"Hey dude in the rain beside me. Your entire hand is up your nose...have you lost your cell-phone or what? Yes I can see you, we're only going NO miles per hour. Now quite it you're making me ill."

Randee sent me the link to this cool Blockbuster spot.
The article is from something called "Marketing Daily" ...

Blockbuster Canada has launched a TV spot for the holiday season that features famous lines of dialogue from popular films.
The spot depicts a family’s Christmas dinner. As the camera pans from room to room, characters young and old spout lines from movies such as The Godfather, Forrest Gump and Crocodile Dundee in the context of their ordinary interaction.

I've tried searching the YouTube for the spot but it's not up yet. In the meantime click here, then click on the thing that says Click to play ad, then come back here.

Kind of running round this morning so I thought I'd throw up some nice OPC from the Stink man.
One of my best pals.
Real name Steve, code name Stinky Boy. Neither Stinks nor is a boy.
He sent me this and I'm passing the savings on to you.
Enjoy.

Some of you know I'm involved with The Lorraine Kimsa Theatre for Young People.(used to be YPT.)
I'm on the Board of Directors and have enjoyed my time volunteering for the past couple of years.
I just wanted to give you heads up on a play for you and your chiluns aged 4-14.
The Wizard of Oz.
Yes that show.
Your little peeps will love it and I suspect you will too.
Check out the site for more info.
It runs through the Xmas holidays.

The Blue Ghost is haunting a gas station in Ohio. What are the chances?
Check out this story and then decide.
At the very least when someone says,"Hey did you see that Blue-Ghost thing on YouTube?"
You can say yes.
(Thanks Hhdotcom!)

I'll be working out this weekend again and trying to build more minutes.
Actually I'll be at Absolute Comedy a new club in the old Yuks location at Yonge an Egg Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.
I'll be just doing a short spot-10 minutes or so- but as I say I'm trying to keep getting some time so that I can work on new stuff.
Years ago when I did this comedy thing full time I could do nearly an hour. The thing is I'm trying to write all new stuff so that I can do some corporate gigs as a comic again.
No I can't do much from my old act...those Reagan jokes just don't seem as fresh anymore.

When my wife was pregnant with our first kid, we found out the sex of the baby and one of her friends thought that was horrible.
OY, she said, you'll RUIN THE SURPRISE!
Trust me..when I observe a miniature human life-form crawling out of my wifes yahimba..i’ll be surprised. Believe me I was surprised...and slightly horrified and a bit nauseous.
Ruin the surprise…How big a surprise can their be???it’s either a boy or a girl.
It’s not like, Oh, you've given birth to a Squid! Oh my God that is a surpries.
You've got a beautiful baby squid...congratulations Aqua Dad.

Ha ha, then I do some more pee pee and poo poo jokes and sculk off the stage.

I loved the Talking Heads and always felt a green amphibious kin-ship with Kermit thee Frog. After all he was tempted by pork too.
Apparently this is another bit of Internet Viral Video that for some reason has surfaced and people are sending it around.
Now you can watch in the comfort of Hhdotcom.
Enjoy.

Now it's getting crazy. Last night TG came out and just dominated. Squeeze me? Are you speaking of the Girls U14/15 Oakville indoor soccer team of dreams?
Yes the very same one.
Team Kelly Green has a nice team, well-coached and led by my pal Geoffs' kid Brooke(3 or 4 goals) but Team Gold was just too much.
(All right what was the freaking score already?)
14-8 or 9.
That's right 14 for us and somewhat less for Team Kelly G. I must be honest I lost track our girls were scoring so much.
Coach Marc's girl Gabby Gabby Hey popped in 7 goals. That's a lot. Rhianna had 3 and single blasts came from Rachel, Carly, Taylor and Lauren.
Only 3 more games left and who knows, a made for TV movie or at least a book.

Game Notes:
Coach Howard's daughter Charlie G has yet to pop in a dinger after having a dream goal-scoring season last winter indoors. She did however have 19 assists last night and 67 shots on net.

If we go loss-less in the next 3 games I'd like to retire from coaching. Unfortunately due to some bureaucratic bumbling (I forgot to sign her up) I'll be coaching Charlie's team again in the new year. Truth be told it has become one of my favorite things to do as a Dad.

I don't get too many comments on my site. Maybe I'm not "controversial" enough or maybe only me and my Brothers read this drivel.
Soccer Mom pops in from time to time but I think that's because she and I are sweet on each other.
Boon will occasional drop by and spew and of course my pal JasonGetYourOj always has a word or two.
I do get some comments that I receive directly from the contact page. and I like those as well.
They are often more detailed or private or just catching up.

Hi, Humble! It's Danielle Carriere. I sent you my slime stories from my work email last year. I transferred from the Toronto office to the firm's Edmonton office in January of 2007 and so much has happened (I had a beautiful baby girl in July) that I completely forgot about the contest. I've been on maternity leave since June and had a difficult pregnancy and therefore lost touch with a lot of my Toronto friends for a while. I was in the West Edmonton Mall yesterday with my daughter and decided to stop in the bookstore to check out "weight loss after pregnancy" books when I happened to stumble upon your book. I was surprised but excited to see that you had printed two of my slime stories (the slime male nurses do and Mexico time share slime). The book is a GREAT read! Congratulations on a job well done!!

Good to hear that you are busying yourself with stuff that sounds fun. My youngest daughter Banyan game up with an epiphany today. My wife was totally unappreciative of its brilliance and I thought you a man that would see the depth of the truth it reveals. She said; "You know, life would sure be different if we could see farts." A philosophy major in the making. I hope all is well with you and yours.
Dean from Hamilton

I love that comment. "What if we could see farts?" I know the air would be a lot cloudier in my house!

Hey Hhdotcom peeps.
I'm sorry, I had to run out to fly. Perfect IFR conditions and I'm going to hang with my instructor Professor Joe.
I'll be back later. Drivel will return and today's top story. Team Gold 8 non-losses continues.
Yes the Season of Dreams is still intact.
Details later.
H

What the Hell?
The Leafs stole the Argo's win.
That's my theory.
The Leafs beat the Senators- a much superior team- and thus got the "Big Win" that should have gone to the Argos. Then come Sunday when the Boatmen face the Blue Bombers, they come up sucking (which was supposed to be the Leafs vs Sens scenario) and now will just be watching the Grey Cup.
Thanks Leafs, way to go and steal more moments of joy from a deserving town.

What the Hell?
Hey next time let's try and schedule more crap on a Sunday in the big city.
Argos/Raptors/Santa Parade. Why not throw in Carabana and the CNE?
When the plans are being made somebody has to be mindful that the Jolly fat guy comes to town the 3rd Sunday in November and that's in stone.

Yes I know the Argos don't know if they're going to make the playoffs or what, but the Raptors don't have to play that day.

Apparently another accident on the DVP ground things to a halt and along with all of the above created another Perfect Storm of gridlock. It's a wonder we don't have more people on horseback. It'd be faster and cause less sh*t!

What the Hell?
Hey Hhdotcom what's with all the new drivel? Well I'm working at home today and Tuesday so I thought I'd fire a bunch of junk your way just in case the drivel dries up again later in the week.
Enjoy.

Randee and I had our 18th wedding anniversary yesterday. Yes 18 years. We were married when we were teenagers. Okay, maybe slightly older.

We went out for dinner Saturday night and had a great time. Lot's of laugh and romantic canoodling including some off-color behavior by my bride in a dance club that I just know she'd be pissed if I told you. So I won't.
That's how long I've been married. I really don't want to do anything to upset my wife's equilibrium-if she's happy then I'm happy.

I'm like a lot of guys who've been "in-country" this long. I've learned that all the day to day operations are out of my hands and that I really only need to be part of the big-picture strategic planning. In other words I don't care if we buy organic or not but my wife does so I do too.
But I really don't.

Is there anything more futile than 2 married men trying to make plans to get together.
"Should we try and meet for dinner?"
"Sure, but I'll have to check with my wife first."
"Me too. Why don't we have them call and they can work it out!"

Our girls gave us some nice cards. Actually Charlie gave us a card, Spencer put on a "Spoken Word" performance and wrote me a song. Very strange, those children. Must come from their mothers side.
Charlie's card began....."It's been a long 18 years but let's be serious, it was worth it..." and ended...."I love you people!"
Very sweet. Definitely like their mom.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon with my Godson Colton Lee Duran for his birthday. What a fine and special kid who is now 5 freaking years old!
How the hell did that happen? That means I must be nearly 60 and his father Dan is pushing a 100.

My pal Thom R has a grown up job, but is one of Hhdotcom's most prolific purveyor of Others People's Content.
He sent me this recently and I thought I'd pass it along.

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left
the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

Licking frogs is not just for getting high anymore.
Check this out.
The secret powers of frogs are being exploited by scientists to create drugs that will correct disfiguring facial scars and could one day help in the regrowth of amputated arms and legs.
Manchester University researchers are exploiting the ability of some amphibians to regrow limbs. 'Human and amphibian proteins are very similar,' said one of the researchers, Professor Enrique Amaya. 'That means the lessons you learn from frogs and salamanders are applicable to humans. Their embryos - spawn - are also easier to study.'

We came back from our anniversary dinner Saturday night (18 years. Yes 18!) and the girls were watching this on the YouTube.
Very bizarre and pretty funny. In a 9 and 13 year-old way.
Enjoy, courtesy of Charlie and Spencer.

This a story bout a cell phone that tracks your spending. How bout a cell phone that tracks your cell-use and then shuts down when you go over your limit.
Here's part of the story....
Users enter their target maximum weekly spend, which can be broken down into categories such as lunch, clothes and alcohol.
Any money spent is then entered by category and the Spendometer sends a text message alert if the user goes over their spending limits.
Malcolm Hurlston, chairman of the charity Credit Action, said: "By making money management easy with mobile phones, we hope to help millions to keep better control of their money."

Hi again kids. Hhdotcom here with more sad news about the drivel.
Working is getting in the way of massive Drivel Production.
Like one RR (Regular Reader) Alison said, "You having an actual job is really interfering with my morning chuckle....sheesh the nerve!!"
Sorry.
I'm on my way to ACME pictures again today and Friday, I'm actually working on a thing As opposed to the first couple of weeks where I just hung around going, "How does that work, why do you do that, when do we eat, I'm tired!"
Of course I also have more meetings.

Also just a reminder...I'll be at the Laugh Resort Friday night for a quick 10 minute spot.
If I get no laughs it'll be more like a one minute spot.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen here's some jokes."
Crickets.
"Good night!"

Actually here is the opening line from my show these days.
"Hi I'm Howard. I used to do this for a living then I took a 20 year detour and did Radio, some TV and now I'm doing this again. I was fired from my job last year. It's always awkward for people
when that happens to somebody.
Hey I hear you lost your job!
Not really. I know where my job is it's just some other nit-wits are doing it now!...."

Then I go on to tell a bunch pee pee and poo poo jokes and then I'm done.
Wish me luck.

This dude's name is Jeff Durham and he's pretty dang funny.
This is his bit Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
My pal Thom R sent this to me. He's the leading supplier of OPC and It's much appreciated.
Enjoy.

JackAss Guy lights his doink on fire!
I was going over some notes recently and came across something I heard this on the news earlier this year.

This guy trying to be like the JackAss movie-dudes lights his private area on fire.
Wow. Way to go. Oh you're a JackAss alright-mission accomplished.
Love the newscaster....."Apparently they young man performed the stunt while he was intoxicated!"
Isn't that obvious? I mean isn't being hammered implicit in the act of lighting one's own junk on fire?
I just want to know...What exactly are you drinking and how much, that setting your clank on fire seems like a good idea? What is the magical booze to blazing sack formula?
"I'm hammered, and Curious! I wonder what would happen if I poured gas on my nuts and lit them on fire?"
Ouch.

I first noticed this guy when he worked on the The West Wing for a season or so and this Fall I watched him on Californication.
His name is Evan Handler and he's one of those guy's whose done some amazing work for a long time and is about to be a mainstream star.
At least that's my prediction.
I found this weird clip of him lecturing. I guess he does that too.

Definition: A tie. Not a loss. Not losing. Not having lost. A continuation of a winning streak. Not unlike a win in it's not losing-dom.

Team Gold was in tough this week against the superbly coached Team Red and once again came away with out losing the game. The second tie of the season the second against TR.
Wow what a game.
Gold was up early and dominated. 5-2 at the half and then the Big Red Machine came back.
5-5 then up 7-5.
Team Gold showed it's heart by storming back and tie-ing the score with seconds to play.
Coaches Rob and Ed were once again denied. Yes they are superior skippers but they have been schooled on the art of trying to beat a dynasty. Nice try fellers.

Gold was led once again by the Amazing Gabster with 3, sweet Taylor with 3 and Hillary H nabbed a singleton. Charlie G the Coaches kid picked up several assists and had 1357 chances despite being harassed continually by the immature and juvenile coach Ed.

Game notes:
Coach Marc wasn't there but he was ably replaced by his wife Coach Julie Ann G. She is very enthusiastic and yelled "Use the boards" quite nicely.

One of my girls got hit in the stomach with the ball and had the wind knocked out of her.
I ran on to the field and yelled to the parents, "Don't worry I'm no a Doctor but I have watched many episodes of medical programming"
They didn't think it was funny but my player did and I knew she'd be okay.
I then offered to fireman-carry her to the bench but she just giggled and said no.

Hi.
I have to be downtown all day and then for supper too.
So the drivel production will be delayed by at least 24 hours.
Sorry.
I can say that Team Gold is still undefeated. I will have full game stats and notes Wednesday.
I can also mention I'll be appearing at the Laugh Resort Friday night.
My Champagne Anniversary is coming up too and I'll explain what that is.
I just found out myself.

My wife was in MTL this weekend so I rented a few good flicks.
We are Marshall.
Great schlocky sports flick with Mathew McConaughy as the head coach who's gonna "rebuild the football program" after a horrific plane crash that wipes out the team.
It's one of those movies based on a true story that is really good and it turns out true.
Definitely worthy if you're browsing and can't make up your mind.
7 out of 10.

You Kill Me.
Stars Ben Kingsly as an alcoholic hit-man who is messing up on his job (not killing people!) so his employers, the Buffalo Snow-Plow Mob send him Westward for help.
He joins AA, meets Luke Wilson, gets to sex it up with Tea Leone (also the films producer) and eventually finds sobriety, redemption and gets back to the biz of killing.
I liked this mainly cause Ben Kingsly is a dang good bad guy. It's a much watered-down version of his crazy assassin in Sexy Beast but BK can still bring it.
Also Tea Leone is nice to look at.
7.5 out of 10.

Fred Claus.
I took Spencer to this while Charlie had some boys over for a project. (A whole other story but suffice it to say I made it clear to the lads that a) I was crazy and b) should anything go on bad things would happen.)
Anyway Fred Claus is a fine kid-flick with some huge acting pedigree up on the screen.
Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, Vince Vaughn, Miranda Richardson, Rachel Weisz, and Kathy Bates.
Too bad the script was so weak. That cast should have been doing The Usual Suspects 2.
The whole thing is like every Vince Vaughn movie you've ever seen. He's a wise-cracking hipster who has spent his whole life in the shadow of his younger brother Santa Claus. A bunch of stuff happens and then in the end Vince and Santa hug and it's over.
Your kids will like it but not if they're too young. I think any age under 6 or 7 will have trouble toughing out the nearly 2 hours of holiday hokeyness.
6.2 out of 10

Yesterday marked the 3rd anniversary of my last cigarette.
Strange it's like I never smoked.
I mean I know I was a smoker, I did it for years but for the last 3 it's as though I've forgotten what it was like to be a smoker.
I tried many times to quit but it wasn't until I discovered Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking that it finally clicked.
My older, smarter Bro David quit using the book. I read the book then went to a 5 hour session and never smoked again.
Never had another craving. Not one.
Not when I drank, golfed, after dinner, on a trip, with coffee, after sex, nothing.
Yes I still do the Meth but only after sex or with coffee.
Anyway 3 years ago I wrote myself a note so I would never forget why I stopped smoking.
I thought you might like to read it.
Sorry for the caps.

WHEN I SMOKED:
I FELT MISERABLE, OUT OF CONTROL, STINKY, SMELLY, AND SICK ALL THE TIME.
I HAD LOW ENERGY, HIGH STRESS AND ANXIETY.
I FELT NO PLEASURE FROM ANY OF THE CIGARETTES, I ONLY SMOKED BECAUSE I HAD TO, EVERY HOUR, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
I FELT LIKE A SLAVE HAVING TO CARRY CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER EVERYWHERE I WENT AND WOULD PANIC IF I COULDN'T SMOKE.
I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE OF THE DAMAGE IT WAS DOING TO ME AND MY INABILITY TO TALK ABOUT SMOKING WITH MY KIDS.
SMOKING GAVE ME NOTHING AND TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME…MY HEALTH, MY PEACE OF MIND AND MY HOPE THAT I WOULD EVER BE FREE FROM IT.
SMOKING IS A DRUG ADDICTION AND IF I SMOKE JUST ONE I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK TO SMOKING THEM ENDLESSLY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I AM A NON-SMOKER..AND NON-SMOKERS DON'T SMOKE CIGARETTES
I'M HAPPY TO BE FREE….DON'T F**KING FORGET IT…

(Boon with Jim Peplinski, Nick Kypreos and Stew Gavin in the Alumni lounge.)

The Boon and I went to the Leaf game Saturday night, courtesy of my pal Stew Gavin.
It was quite the entertaining affair.
Pre-game skate brawl almost breaks out, the hall of fame ceremonies, then a fairly decent game and then the shoot-out overtime loss then a scrap in our section among some of the patrons.
Cool. Just a few questions.
Hey Leaf Talk, why not start the guy who got the shut-out the night before.
Hey Leaf Talk, what kind of cancer only requires a pill a day to remedy?
Hey Leaf Talk, how come your voice is so fake and crappy?

It was fun hanging out at Maple Sucks game with an actual fan who not has drank the kool-aid but is sweater-wearing member of the cult.
For Mikes report go here.

My Dad fought in World War 2 and today I remember him and the other men and women who have fought so bravely to defend our country around the world.

"On the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, Canadians are asked to pause and remember the thousands of men and women who sacrificed their lives fighting for freedom and democracy during the First World War, the Second World War, the Korean War, the Afghanistan conflict and during peacekeeping missions."

I've seen my Dad's pictures from the War and I find them very haunting. To think he was ever that young and being that age faced having to go so far from home to a fate unknown.
My father spent 2 years overseas in the Canadian Air Force and I regret I never asked him more about his experiences there.

Today we pause and remember and give thanks to those who served and are serving so that we can enjoy the life we have.
Mainly we give thanks to those who served, are serving and sacrificing so that we don't have to.

I was going to put up a thing about how Avril Lavigne was fighting back against this internet gossip-douche Perez Hilton but then I just went and looked at it and it's crap.
Sorry for anyone who saw the posting and wasted their time by visiting the hyper-links.
My time in the morning now is limited and I thought I'd blog about it and it might be interesting.
In my haste (yes, haste) I didn't thoroughly check it out. Then I did and I decided it was all crap and I wouldn't bother you with it.
Okay now let's move on.

Apparently the Star had some issues after our Prime Minister's chat with Dalton yesterday. Fine but the headline?
PM to Cities: Drop Dead! Oh come on kids try and tone your biases down just a tad.
Yeah that's the message the Evil Harper was sending.
Here's what he was probably thinking. "Dang this Dalton guy is really a dolt. I wonder how often he had his ass-kicked in school"

Finally good news for Leaf fans. Boon and me are going to the Hall of Fame game Saturday night, Maple Sucks vs The Rangers.
Why is this good news?
For the past several years every time I go to a game the Leafs win. Seriously.
I think they do it just to annoy me.

Hey yall, I've got to go downtown...again.
Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday.
H

The last month is by far the busiest I've been since I used to have a job. It's odd.
Lately I go to meetings, do actual stuff and then have more meetings and then go home.
I am loving it though as I'm involved with creative people in all sorts of new ventures.
Some of it in TV, some in Video, some in writing, some in development and some Radio.(CBC's The Debaters!) Cripes, no wonder I'm bagged. Yes I said "Cripes."

Oh yeah I forgot I'm going to be doing some more stand-up soon at two different clubs. Just short opening spots but I'm trying to build some time and this is the best way to do it.
I'll be at The Comedy Nest next Friday night, early show and then the following week I'll be at the brand new Club Absolute doing 3 or 4 nights in a row.
I'll be trying out some stuff I've been doing for a while and also working on some new material as well. (Some of it for the CBC show.)

As I've mentioned Stand Up has always been something I've loved being able to do. It's not everyone's thing, most Radio and TV people would crap themselves if they had to do it but I like the butterflies and the anxiety. I like getting through it and overcoming the nerves.

So there you have it. Kind of a strange entry I know. Sort of like a mass e-mail to you nice folks that come here everyday.
Not exactly, "Today in the News!" but I figure you get enough of that.
Yes the dollar is high, gold is outrageous and oil is nearly a hundred bucks. Crazy!
Hey did you hear about the All Black school proposal. Wow How's Dalton going to allow that?
The Eagles and Brittney are tied with the best album. And I give two craps about neither of them.

Have a great Thursday and I'll try to throw up some more junk before the weekend.
h

Some of you may have guessed that this is a pretty busy time for me. I'm now one of those guys that drives downtown everyday.
I used to wonder, "How do people do that?"
Well now I know, you just do.

I've been a little slack in the Hhdotcom world and I'm sorry but I've been out the door too early and home too late.
That's why I'm just going to stick up a couple of things and try and post some original drivel now and again for the next little while.
In the meantime I was over at BoonsBadASS site and saw this crazy cool version of RadioHeads Creep.
You will dig it but watch the full thing.

My pal Ricky P sent me this. It's sort of a funny beer commercial parody featuring a SMC(Smoking HOT Chick) talking about the Miracle Beer Diet.
All you dudes will want to send this around to other dudes.
Some of you curious women too.
We love "curious women" they are a delight.
Warning, some of the content will not be suitable for all ages or offices.
Enjoy.

6 weeks, 6 non-losses equals the type of season weepy sports movies are made of.
"A couple of upstart coaches cobble together a rag-tag group of girls and together they learn about life, family and the kicking of asses in Girls under 14/15 indoor soccer."
It could be called Team Gold Indoor team of Destiny.
I see George Clooney playing me and the part of co-coach Marc played by Matt Damon or that cool French guy from Good Cop Bon Cop.
I'd be a down on my luck, lovable loser shacking up with Julia Roberts from her Pretty Women days. I would also have the power to fly. But no one would know till the last frame when I take Julia and the Girls U14/15 trophy and rise above the Oakville Sports Dome. (Kind of like a Kevin Spacey vibe from The Usual Suspects when he stops limping and everyone realizes he is Kaiser Soeze.)

But I digress.
last night was textbook Team Gold play. Charlie G played a nice first half in net and we rode our strkers to a cushy 5-2 lead. In the second half Team Teal realized they were in tough and rebounded with a few nice dingers of their own and made it close. But not close enough as TG met the challenge and prevailed.
2 goal nights from Taylor, Hillary and Rhianna and a sweet one from the Gabmiester and the final score read 7-6.

Game notes.
I saw the maniac that screamed at me a few weeks ago and he said nothing. I said nothing either.
Out loud that is.
In my head there was quite the noise going on with many conflicting thoughts. "Hmm theres that guy. Is he an A-hole or a Moron.? I think he's an F-ing A-hole-Moron."

Coach Marc seemed very pleased as many of the girls used "The Boards" and he only had to scream "Use the Boards" 1/10th as much as he normally does.

I just know when Coach Marc reads this he is going to want secret powers too.
Fine.
In the movie Coach Marc will have the power to see through boards.

Super Regular Reader Jason P gave me the heads up on some sweet OPC.
The deal is some guy gets a bunch of clips of Hank Hill from King of the Hill and then calls some sad unsuspecting twerps.
I always thought morning shows that did this (Hey It's Arnold Schwarzenegger calling...) were lame but hey the people like this crap and I don't have a morning show anymore, so what do I know.
Just search YouTube for Hank Hill prank calls. I did.
Have a listen.

This past weekend internet genius Mike Boon dropped over for eggs and coffee. He didn't touch the goat cheese cause his tastes are very old school. Except when it comes to the web. Boon knows his crap and is always good for some Hhdotcom info. We talked about rebuilding this site for 08, the sucky Leafs, the Raptors and how Boston is the best/luckiest sports town on earth.
Boon then left and worked on sprucing up his site...have a look here.

I have another busy week on the way. I'll be meeting in Oakville about performing some stand up, doing some re-writes on my Debators stuff, working at my new gig at ACME pictures and a couple of meetings at the LKTYP. I will also be promoting my book Thursday on Mississauga Cable and driving downtown every day but Monday. Maybe I shouldn't complain about having nothing to do.

Finally I'm pretty excited over something that happened last Thursday. I can't go into too much detail but Insight Productions(Canadian Idol, Deal or no Deal, Canadian 5th Grader and a million other shows) and me have signed a deal to develop, pitch and co-produce a show.
No I wont' be the host.
Yes, this could be huge.
Of course it could also go nowhere.
These things are long shots but the people at Insight are the best in the business and I'm just thrilled that they liked my idea enough to take it this far.
That's all I can say. If we sell it you'll hear about then, if we don't I'd like to offer my services cleaning your driveway this winter.

Lots of people were talking about the Larry-Jerry interview where Jerry Seinfeld supposedly "lost it!"
Well he didn't lose it he was just flabbergasted. It can happen to people, I've seen it.
Larry was talking to Jerry about the end of the TV show Seinfeld and was wondering if it got canceled. Canceled? Has Larry been living under a rock?

He was doing promo for the Bee Movie which my 9 year-old and I saw and very much enjoyed.
Btw Larry King is interviewing Jerry in the movie too.
Have a look at the Bee Movie trailer.

Gary D checked in this week with a nice piece of OPC and it is much appreciated.
Especially now that I actually have some "grown-up" work to do.
You may have seen this but it's worth a second look.

You are a South African bush pilot. You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.
It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.
On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade, within 10 miles, has become very popular . . You start calculating the distance to the plane door...and wonder .
"Do I feel lucky today?"

Dan Duran who like all things odd, contributes this bit of Other People's Content.
Thanks Dan.

I've had quite a week of input from you and I appreciate it.
The big comment generator was the Mac quest.
Wow. You Mac people are like a cult.

I bought one on eBay (used) last year, which came preloaded with tons of software. At first I thought I would only use it for e-mail and surfing, now I have pretty well abandoned my Windows PC. Brought it home, opened the case, it immediately found my home network and I was hooked. No need for pesky virus softwar/updates and an easy migration from Windows. Go for it!
Posted by: Tom

Got the MacBook. Swear by it. Like the lady said...no going back after you gots de Mac yo!!
Posted by: Tim

My family owns six of them. I just bought a MacBook White on Saturday - the mid model, faster processor, larger HD. The simplicity of the Mac is the big selling feature for me. Want to hook up to a wireless network. Done. No settings, no fooling around. Printer. Easy peasy.
With the exception of the myriad of games available to the other guys, there is very little that you can't do on the Mac. Oh and migration of stuff from your PC is breeze
As for prices, the differential is now $150. I paid $1449, for the same product that cost $1299 in the US.
Posted by: Michael

Thanks nice people. I appreciate it the advice. Only thing that's stopping me is the Gang-mocking I'll get from RR and the peeps at ACME pictures.(New job..see entry below.)

My favorite comment came from D in Hamilton who read my entry about Charlie's last Halloween.
D's a parent like me and said:

You have to stop making me cry at work. You've been on a roll lately. I had an almost identical experience last night with my kids. However Sequoia reaffirmed what I've always known (that she's a great kid). I told her that I remember carrying her around in a little bat costume and as she walked away to go with her friends she said; "And I will always try and carry a small piece of that bat with me". Parenting is the greatest adventure. Keep up the great stuff Howard, I'll just move the Kleenex box closer to my computer.

Well that's that.
This was the transition year for me and my former "Baby."
I just know that's all.

For the first time she invited a friend (Natalie) along and a Boy! Great. Nice kid, told him I was a spy with a license for violence.
He told me he was Polish and didn't need a jacket. (True story, still don't know what he meant.)

So me, Charlie, her friend, the Polish Boy and Spencer went out.
After about 30 minutes Charlie said, "This isn't as fun as it used to be." Ouch.
I remember when she thought it was the funnest. I remember carrying her from house to house in a bear costume.
After about 45 minutes she asked if she and her buds could go on their own. And that was it.
Me and the 9 year-old went across the street and they disappeared into the night.
The transition was complete.

Next year it'll just be me and Spenny and Charlie will be one of those "big kids" that show up at your door after the little ones have turned in.
I knew this day was coming but now that it's here I wish it was still a few years away.

My favorite parent/kid quote goes something like..."The days are long but the years are short.."
And getting shorter.

I've hinted at a TV deal I've made with a big-time Canadian Producer. I'll be closing it today and then I'll ask if I can say something here.
I've been pitching another huge Canook icon to be part of his Boomer-Capturing empire.
Yes, Moses Znaimer.
No I don't have any details. Yet.
(I got to hang out with him at his joint last week and he couldn't have been more welcoming.)

I'm booked for a CBC gig in December(See me and Judy below) and I'll be doing some more stand-up locally. I'll let you know when and where.
I'm also helping out a fellow author with some PR and media-coaching. Check out her book "Men are like Mocha lattes."

In the meantime I'm thrilled to announce that I've been hired/conscripted/joined Acme Pictures to help learn the corporate video business.
They also do broadcast television as well as digital and more.
I'm so happy to be part of this innovative and talented group of big-brained creative types.
I'm going to work part-time and help out with some idea generation as well as learning how to produce and direct.
They do a ton of cool stuff at ACME and I can't wait to get more involved.
To start I'll be working in their shop once a week-gusting to who knows, depending on the project.
Check out the site and make sure you look at the demo.
I told the Creative Director and founder Ric R that I was going to blog about my new gig and he said fine as long as I found something to rhyme with ACME..
So here goes.

They create and produce awesome visuals at ACME
but prefer PC's and don't think I should Mac Me.

Coach Coach,
not that I would normally encourage this but I really
do think your male reads of the blog will enjoy this
if they have yet to discover it.
So I can't sleep and I am flipping around on the TV
when I go past SPIKE which is an intersting channel at
the best of times but tonight they have a show called
Manswers

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