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Articles
Vinay Menon Can flat out Write!
Years ago I got to know this dude Vinay Menon after he wrote by far the best Humble and Fred newspaper piece. He's a decent guy and an amazing writer.
He's one of the reasons I buy The Star, that and the hot chicks.
Anyway, I thought I'd turn you on to some of his stuff from today's paper. No this isn't just some lazy-ass way to cut and paste some content into my blog.
Okay, maybe some of that, but I do like his writing.
The fourth is answered outright: angels wear plaid and grubby T-shirts, sport rocker mullets circa 1978, speak with a Dixie drawl, freely traverse the space-time continuum, boast glowing Pegasus-style wings and, oh yes, crack indolently while chewing tobacco.
At least, that would describe Earl (Leon Rippy), a most improbable seraph. (Improbable unless you were watching a show called Dirt Road to Heaven or Touched By a Hillbilly.)
Earl is what's known in the celestial biz as a "Last Chance Angel." The sinner who is getting this last chance is Grace Hanadarko (Holly Hunter), a police detective who spends her non-sleuthing time smoking, boozing, swearing, brawling and cavorting with married men.
Read the rest here. VinayMenonCanWrite.
Then of course, come back.
Sad Toronto Star Story.
This morning's Star had the story of the Police officer who was killed yesterday and it's a sad, horrible tale.
It's headlined "Death of a Good Cop" and it's a heartbreaking bit of news.
Contable Rob Plunkett was on a routine surveillance operation and it turned into his death.
It was one of those incidents that our Police force faces all the time that just went tragic in an instant.
Check this out for the full story.
It's just a sad set of circumstances that didn't have to happen and I found myself so pissed off at the criminals that killed him. No not "allegedly!" they did it and they should be put away forever for it.
Read the article, it will no doubt touch you the way it did me.
Todays Paper.
How bizarre is this story.
A 13 year old convinces here 23 year old boyfriend to kill her entire family.
Actually she was just 12 when her boyfriend killed her mom and dad and 8 year old brother.
Excuse me?
How did that happen in the sleepy little town of Medicine Hat Alberta?
Don't we always assume that this aberrant behavior only takes place in Butt Hole Alabama?
Well it happened on our Prairies and it's just sickening.
Made all the more sickening in that she will just get 6 years in jail minus time already served.
I don't get that. I know she's being charged in some convoluted young offenders way and is being given a slide for testifying against the ass who killed her family, but isn't there some way to ensure that she does more than 6 freaking years.
Check out the article and tell me why she will be free and clear in less than 5 years.
The Unpublished Post Article
From time to time I'll submit an article to the National Post and my editor RR and it just wont' fit for any number of reasons.
A)The piece sucks.
B)Not enough Toronto-centric content.
C)Both A+B
D)A lot of A
Anyway I wrote this rambling thing about the mysterious world of Postering in Toronto and it's not going to run so I'm going to post it here in two parts.
This is Part One.
Paper On Poles.
Like a lot of people I go through life blissfully unaware of how most things work.
Construction cranes, ticket scanning machines, spicy tuna rolls, GPS systems, how to make a Woman happy, what is Paula Abdul really saying and why is Aerosmith still so popular?
I drive through the city streets and see posters or flyers on a hydro pole and never really know much about them.
How did they get there?
Who does the work?
How much does it cost?
I thought the answers would be simple. They’re not. The whole Toronto Postering World is rife with characters and committees and tight-lipped competitors who throw up bits of paper to promote various and sundry acts and events.
I’m not sure if you were aware of this but postering is quite a contentious issue; has been for some time.
I just wanted to find out how they get put up and by whom but I found out a lot more.
Costs range from 150 bucks for a thousand letter sized to three grand for an 18x24. That’s pretty big. Those are the ones you see on the side of construction walls.
I called a bunch of companies with names like Da Fabulous Poster Babe, Grass Roots and City Postering. Not so much with the calling back. Though City Postering did respond they said they couldn’t comment. Seriously? How mysterious can this business be?
Apparently, there’s a lot more to all of this than just a bunch of paper on poles. Actually that would be a great name for a postering company.
Thanks for calling “Paper on Poles.”
Yes I’d like to do that please.
I spoke with one very colorful dude named Reg Hartt, a postering legend who’s been using the street to promote events for 40 years. He did nothing but talk. He called postering “cut throat”, “decadent”, a “lifeline to the city,”! I thought it was just a bunch of folks running around the city with some posters and a staple gun.
He then talked about how culture isn’t something imported but rather culture rises up from the bowels. Yes our city has bowels. He said the real culture is the garage bands, the underground movement and the kids that put up posters to promote them. He’s a cool guy and as I hung up he was talking about the bowels of Berlin or something but I had to move on.
Post Article Part Two
I came across the Toronto Public Space Committee, a bunch of good doers looking out for TO’s public spaces. While you sleep they are watching out for Monster Garbage Cans, Street Furniture, Bad Billboards and are the go-to-peeps when it comes to Toronto’s postering bylaws.
Did you know that postering issues have been heard in front of the Supreme Court? Well they have.
Allison Gorbould is a nice lady and an organizer with the Toronto Public Space Committee. She says there are new laws but so far no money to enforce them.
Part of the by law states that "a poster may not cover or overlap another poster or community poster in whole or in part. Posters or community posters can be only one layer thick." Great, now we have to have a whole crew of Poster Inspectors scouring downtown with tape measures!
The real objectionable posters are those commercial ones; they sometimes are just a strip of posters that haven’t even been cut. The other bad ones are posters on mailboxes, newspaper boxes, sides of buildings and people’s homes!
It’s a classic case of commercial interest versus the community .
The city’s solution seems to be something called “postering kiosks”. Trust the politicians to take something off a hydro pole and put it in a kiosk. So far there are no kiosks. The Public Space Committee is worried that the city will not allow community posters on poles.
So next time you drive by a hydro pole with a notice for some cool band or a lost cat or a band named “Lost Cat” remember there’s more to it than just a bunch of paper on poles. A lot more.
A sneak preview.
It's been a while since I've written an article for the National Post. I haven't really pitched them anything and I've been busy writing stuff here.
Recently I proposed something and was given the go-ahead. An article on postering. You know those flyers, posters and hydro pole decorations?
I will be sending it in today but I thought I'd give you HH dot com people an early look at the bit.
I'm never sure if they will be accepted so if it's not I'll release the full text later.
Paper On Poles.
Like a lot of people I go through life blissfully unaware of how most things work.
Construction cranes, ticket scanning machines, spicy tuna rolls, GPS systems, how to make a Woman happy, what is Paula Abdul really saying and why is Aerosmith still so popular?
I drive through the city streets and see posters or flyers on a hydro pole and never really know much about them.
Apparently, there’s a lot more to all of this than just a bunch of paper on poles. Actually that would be a great name for a postering company.
Thanks for calling “Paper on Poles.”
Yes I’d like to do that please.
I spoke with one very colorful dude named Reg Hartt, a postering legend who’s been using the street to promote events for 40 years. He did nothing but talk. He called postering “cut throat”, “decadent”, a “lifeline to the city,”! I thought it was just a bunch of folks running around the city with some posters and a staple gun.
He then talked about how culture isn’t something imported but rather culture rises up from the bowels. Yes our city has bowels. He said the real culture is the garage bands, the underground movement and the kids that put up posters to promote them. He’s a cool guy and as I hung up he was talking about the bowels of Berlin or something but I had to move on.
Charlie's First Entry...Sort of.
So I'm working away here at the International headquarters of Humblehoward dot com when my eldest daughter Charlie wanders into my office.
"Father, I quite enjoyed the video from Ok Go that you showed me yesterday, after I was done with my studies and helping the poor," She remarked.
"Well then, how may I help you my sweet angel" I retorted.
"I can't decide if I should be a Surgeon or a research Scientist or both," She exclaimed.
Okay it wasn't quite like that, there wasn't nearly as much remarking, exclaiming and retorting, but she wanted to download the CD. (legally from itunes)
I told her that if she wrote me an e-mail telling me why I should give it to her I'd consider it.
Here in all it's MSN glory is that note. It's basically a bunch of kissing up but hey it worked when we were kids.
Dear father(a.k.a not hideous looking man and man that can embarrass me whenever he wants.(suree)) I like to embarrass her and tell her not to look at me cause I'm so hideous compared to her-this is true.
Here are some reasons why i should get the Ok,Go CD...and i hope u like them cause im about to run out of ideas. This is strange because she just got started!
-i am an ah-mazing kid.
True.
- u r an ah-mazing father
Also true. Notice the Suck-Up Train pulling out of the station.
-maybe if i have the CD..i can lisin to it instead of ah-noy u(and maybe i wont get slapped tonite)
She means annoying and I don't slap her. Often. Also note in the MSN world "lisin" seem to be short for "listen?"
-also maybe i can lisin to it instead of dance to boys(hah like that will ever happen, boys or music--hmmm BOYZZ)(although that doesn't meen i wont lisin to it alot cuz u no i will)
This refers to a event she went to where she slow-danced with a boy. This I found disconcerting for a number of reasons. A)Slow-dancing. B)With a boy.
-because i always do wat u say ..and lisin to u..and clear the table after dinner....
No. No. Sometimes.
-but most of all------because u love me
True. Major sucking up to finish.
i hope this e-mail helped u make up ur mind,
love charlie
Of course I had to give it to her. Daughters are like Kryptonite for Daddies. We are mostly powerless. When I meet a guy that's just had a baby girl I always give the same advice.
"Practice saying NO!"
Rick Mercer Rants.
My friend David White, flying buddy and co-owner of Quinte Aviation, sent me this.
It's funny guy Rick Mercer, writing a letter in response to another article in The Independent, an East coast paper.
It's very well written and thoughtful and may shed some light on the issue of Canada's participation in Afghanistan.
A women named Noreen was apparently upset and in fact claimed her Christmas was ruined by too much coverage of the war.
Rick responds..."I am so sorry to hear about the interruption to your holiday cheer. You say in your column that it all started when the CBC ran a story on some “poor sod” who got his legs blown off in Afghanistan.
The “poor sod” in question, Noreen, has a name and it is Cpl. Paul Franklin. He is a medic in the Forces and has been a buddy of mine for years. I had dinner with him last week in Edmonton, in fact. I will be sure to pass on to him that his lack of legs caused you some personal discomfort this Christmas.
Paul is a pretty amazing guy. You would like him I think. When I met him years ago he had two good legs and a brutally funny sense of humour. He was so funny that I was pretty sure he was a Newfoundlander. You probably know the type (or maybe you don’t) — salt of the earth, always smiling, and like so many health-care professionals, seemingly obsessed with helping others in need."
Read the rest. Its worth it.
Hey this Iraq War thing may not be all that and a bag of chips!
Great article in Sunday's Star about the fallout from the Saddam death video and a great primer for the botched history of the U.S and allies involvement in the area. I know this isn't a subject matter I normally delve into but this piece by David Olive in The Star is sobering reading and may give you a better idea about what's really going on "Over There" and a sense of just how pointless the whole mess is.
Two things really stuck out. The death toll The Bush peeps estimate it as low as 57 thousand.(No small number, those are people we're talking about.)
A U.K. Medical journal reports the number at 654 thousand. 601 thousand from post-invasion violence.
The other numbers that are frightening is the cost. George Jr. told Americans in 2003 that the cost of Saddam's removal would not top $60 billion, a sum that Iraqis would pay out of their own oil revenues. Which hasn't worked out so much since the insurgency, predictably, crippled Iraq's petroleum infrastructure within weeks of the invasion and has kept it that way for almost four years. I guess the President didn't remember the retreating Iraqi army lighting all those oil well on fire as they left Kuwait.
Anyway it's a bit more than $60 billion. According to a couple of Real Smart People...a former head of the World Bank, a Noble laureate and some Harvard Prof, the real bill for the Invasion and Occupancy is certain to exceed $1TRILLION dollars.
I'm not the smartest cat but isn't that A LOT MORE than $60 billion.
Just something to think about other than the Warmest Winter Ever!
Nice Piece in The Calgary Sun
Got a Google alert about The Slime and was happy to see the Calgary Sun picked up the nice bit that Valerie Gibson did in the Toronto Sun a few weeks ago.
Shop and compare.
National Post Today
 Since I no longer have a "regular" gig, I must admit I get pretty excited to see my little articles running in the newspaper. Today's peice started out here Help my Deadline Looms and ended up here.
It's still strange to see the genesis of the idea. My editor Rob Roberts is great at taking some of the drivel I spit out and turning it into, less drivel.
The only section that he sliced completely looked like this.
The worst? Any of the big bank parking. 1st Canadian Place, BCE/Wellington tower or TD Bank.
It’s always freaky coming out of one of those dark, underground lots into the path system..
According to The Guinness World Records, PATH is the largest underground shopping complex with 27 km of shopping arcades. In fact, the retail space connected to PATH rivals the West Edmonton Mall in size.
That’s cool, but I can never find my way back to the parking elevators of the building I parked under and I fear I’ll be lost forever and have to be taken in and cared for by a kindly New York Fries Night manager.
Read the article to see what the hell all of that is referring to.
This Blog In the Post
Yesterday I was out at a golf course called Grand Niagara, very nice Rees Jones course that is very user freindly and fairly reasonable price wise for a "grown-up" course.
The point?
I never got around to updating this Blog til now.
We were referenced in the National Post's City page yesterday, BlogTown, and even though I've written entire articles for that section it was cool getting some cross-promo for my little web page.
More National Post Stuff
My NP editor, Rob Roberts and I have decided to go ahead with a different article idea than the one below. Toronto food is going to be written but first Rob decided I should write another piece that I had pitched him recently.
Where's your secret Toronto Place to park??
Everyone thinks they know a secret place to park when they're downtown...My wife always parks at this little place just north of the Dufferrin Gates when she goes to the CNE...I have this place just south of the ACC that is the best place to park when your going to a game or concert. Rob tells me that you can park illegally in the Kensington Market area around Baldwin and Augusta.
Will you share your special downtown spot with the rest of us. If you do great, but I'll bet a bunch of people won't because they won't want me to screw it up for them.
Funny, informative and perhaps poignant!
Ask around and leave a comment if you would...I usually cobble these things together early in the week, so anytime in the next few days would be great.
I'm trying to figure out how to have a contest surrounding one of these where the winning submission get's to go flying (today was unbelievable!) but in the meantime, I'll throw your name in the paper if you'd like.
National Post Article Idea-Please Help!!!!
Here's the deal. I have been writing the odd piece for the National Post in the Toronto section under the banner Urban Scrawl. They are sort of strange, slightly funny things that have to have a "Toronto" slant. So here' something I've been noodling around with.
What food says Toronto?
When you think of Montreal you think Bagels and Smoked Meat. Calgary says Steak, Winnipeg is famous for a fish called Goldeye, Vancouver has great Salmon, Chinese and Japanese food and of course down East you think Lobster, Dulce (seaweed) and Screech.
But what about us? What food means Toronto and or what's your favourite place to get it. This is the type of thing I used to do on my radio show called a "phoner" but until that's possible again, this Boggy thing will have to do.
I think Toronto is a gastronomic melting pot-so many to choose from that maybe our eating identity is multi-cultural as the people who live here.
For me, my favourite food in the city is Chinese, dim sum especially and I love to eat it at The Pearl at Harbor Front or Summit Gardens in Oakville. But I also love Sushi at Take Sushi next to the Hockey Hall of Fame and Lebanese food at Falafel World in the west end.
Let me know what says Toronto to your stomach and I'll include the results of my little poll (not that little poll) if the Post editor likes the idea. Even if he doesn't I'll jot down some of your suggestions and thoughts anyway.
National Post Article
You want fresh Humble Howard news? You got it! This commentary hasn't even hit the National Post yet.
You're sitting next to some stiff at a dinner party, obviously these are your wife's or husbands "friends". You have nothing in common and they've just told you some vapid tale of their child's budding acting career or who they can't stand at work or worse, they're drunk and start to yell at you about how you've never seemed to like them. (true)
How Can You Save This Conversation? Simple. Ask how much they paid for their house and what it's worth now. All over Toronto this is the magic talk-bullet that will invariably set our tongues to wagging.
"Well, we bought in the upper beaches in 94 for 325,000 then flipped it in 99 for 475 then we bought a semi near Mount Pleasant for 510 and now it's worth 1.2 million!"
Huh?
Why does it seem that everyone has made a killing on their house but you?
Question two. How can some 1300 foot home really be worth over a million dollars?
Nothing gets the chatter going in any part of the city faster than our collective nest eggs. Even now, when we've just had a year of rising interest rates and prices starting to stabilize, we love to talk about the fact that our shacks are worth 60, 70 or even 100 percent more than we paid for them. Just ask us. Of course the fine print of these conversation may be a little darker, like the fact that the house owner may have a huge mortgage and is really only kind of renting the space. I wonder what the average home owner owns on his house versus their mortgage. I call some nice people at CMHC.
Me: Hi nice people, what does the average home owner own on his house versus their mortgage?
CMHC: I'm not allowed to comment, but you can speak to Ed Heese.
Me: Ed Heese, excellent, he sounds like he'd know a thing or two!
Ed: Who are you and what do you want?
Ed actually didn't say that. In fact Ed is about the nicest smart guy you could talk to.
He tells me that nearly 65 percent of us are home owners and of that almost half of us own all our homes!
Wow, says I to Ed Heese.
I suspect a lot of us dream of building up equity in our homes, selling it for huge and then buying down in some smaller market like Peterborough or Kitchener or one of those places that is Way The Hell and Gone. Oh sure, we sell our 850 square foot house near High Park for 1.2 million and buy a mansion in some hick town like Saskatoon or Markham for 60 grand and retire on the rest.
I call my real estate agent John Bald, a tall Arian-looking fellow with far too much hair that I suspect we've always used because my wife thinks he's handsome.
Me: Hello John, do all your clients' wives think you're cute?
John: What can I do you for? (He didn't say this but it's the way I think a lot of Real Estate Agents talk).
Me: If I sell my house and downsize to say Hamilton what would the difference in a similarly priced house be?
John: Maybe a couple hundred thousand less!
Me: How about if I move back to Toronto.
John: You could buy one of those semi-detached babies that are about 8 feet wide!
Me: Seriously! (He really did say "babies!")
John: Are you asking me this because you got fired?
They always say that the biggest purchase most of us will make in our lives is our homes so I guess it makes sense that we get the most excited talking about it. By the way I figured out that if sell my house in Oakville and move back in with my dad in Moose Jaw I'd feel like a complete ass no matter how much money I saved!
National Post Article
A new Humble Howard commentary has hit the National Post.
Read "Exactly who is walking who?". Ah heck, we'll save you a click and throw the entire thing right here.
If you've ever been in the Beaches on the weekend, you'd think dogs were mandatory. The young couple, the stroller, the latte and the mutt. I used to think it'd be a good business to open up "Rent-A-Dog" for those Beach people who didn't want to look out of place.
According to the City of Toronto's Web site, the city is home to "more than 60,000" dogs. That's a lot of leashes, leads, muzzles and poop.
Add one more to the list.
My family recently became the proud owners of a four-pound Mi-Ki puppy named Tucker. He's a cross between a Papillion and Maltese and a bunch of other small breeds and is about the size of a big slipper with fur.
He's the result of a concentrated, two-year campaign of begging on the part of my two daughters and I. My wife didn't want a dog -- too much trouble, aggravation and grief. Now she's the one rolling around on the floor with him cooing "Who loves their momma? Who's momma's little boy?"
So far, our dog is getting enough exercise running from his bed to the couch and back but at some point I know a dog park is in our future. But which one to choose?
Google "Dog Parks": From High Park to Riverdale's Withrow Park, there are dozens in Toronto, and those are just the "leash-free" ones. There's a real leash-free movement afoot or apaw (sorry).
Search "Dog Parks in Ontario" and you can run Rover anywhere from Ajax to Waterloo.
In Oakville, where I live, there doesn't seem to be any shortage, but you have to know what you're doing.
You just can't show up any old time and toss your leash.
For instance, there's The Abbey Oaks Off Leash Park at Dundas and Neyagawa. The description reads "hours from sunrise to sunset ... fenced, tables, parking and poop bag dispensers!"
Poop bag dispensers on site ... nice touch Oakville dog-peeps! (The richer Oakvillians just have their butlers pick up the doo doo.)
Another park is more to the point. "Yes benches, yes poop, yes parking."
People with dogs are busy and we need to know if our parks have the essentials. Now if they just included a beer keg and a big screen TV I'd move in.
I suspect that's next.
In Toronto, you can already find doggie day care, dog walkers, grooming of course, not to mention dog taxi service, a dog spa, doggy birthday parties and something I came across called self-serve dog wash! What the hell? I'm guessing that's a deal where you take your dog out of your house to some remote location to bathe it so you don't have to mess up your own shack washing the dog.
Question: Are cat people having birthday parties for their "babies?"
I'd like to debate that with you but I've got to go ... my family and I are booked into something called "Puppy Kindergarten."
I wish I were kidding.
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