George Carlin died yesterday at age 71. Sad.
He was the first comic I really liked. Him, Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor. Steve Martin came later but Carlin was the one that made me think that comedy was more than just jokes.
His stuff was funny, insightful and smart. I used to listen to him and wonder how he nailed the exact phrasing so many times.
He was a genius with words and it was 7 of them that led to his rise to fame back in the early 70's.
If you've never heard the actual routine, take 7 minutes and give it a spin.
Well it looks like you Rogers subscribers are in for a treat. The magic touch-screen phone is coming to Canada. And Rim won't be far behind.
Sure I'm jealous. I love the Blackberry but I've had a chance to mess with an IPhone and it is all kinds of cool, even for an aging Geek-aphobe like myself.
Back in April I wrote of my desires and shattered dreams here.
Now thanks to Uncle T and Steve Jobs quest for IWorld domination, the IPhone is on it's way, and I'll be counting down the days until I can get out of my Bell contract.
From this morning's STAR... The next generation of Apple Inc.'s popular iPhone will be cheaper, run on high-speed mobile networks and, for the first time, be made available to Canadians.
Just kidding.(Don't tell him I said that, Ok.)
TW is playing his last tourny prior to The Masters and he's struggling. It's a rain-delayed WGC Championship in Miami that has to wrap up today due to weather. He won't win., but if he can squeeze out a birdie or two in the last 6 holes he'll probably finish 5th.
5th! 5th is for losers who don't win every tournament they enter.
This will be his first non-win in nearly 7 months and it's part of my argument of why I love watching him. He's always in contention.
Obviously he wasn't going to win every time he played for the rest of his life, but he's always around the lead.
He could have won this weekend easily though.
He hit the ball great but putted like shite.
Made nothing, three-putted a bunch of time and lipped out 5 or 6.
A couple drop and the streak would still be alive.
No matter.
We get to see him win or nearly win at Augusta in just 2 weeks time.
5th. Whatevs. ("Whatevs" is courtesy of having a 10 year old daughter who watches a lot of Hanna Montan.)
Yeah, uh, sorry bout that.
I was away.
On March break.
I'd tell you all the stuff we did but I'm afraid that wouldn't be of any real interest to you. I mean just a bunch of personal stuff about family, fun, snowboarding and travel.
Instead, I've decided to make up a more interesting, controversial March break vacation.
March Break 08. Day 1: We are held up by masked bandits. I think they are Mexican as they keep yelling "Ariba, Ariba." That and they are wearing Sombreros that say, "We are Mexicans!" Day 2: After escaping the Mexicans we meet Dalton Mcguinty in a bar and get into a heated argument with him about his ridiculous policies. My 13 year old decks him, we all do tequila shots and leave. Day 3: My wife and I meet a beautiful, sexy French girl who wants us both. We send the kids off to hunt some wild game and the three of us do all manner of nasty activities. Day 4: In Montreal I decide I'm low on cash so I sell some of my vast stash of Meth. Day 5: After a feast of pancakes, sausage and maple syrup, we drive our truck off the road and nap until we're rescued. Day 6: We come back only to discover that our home has been invaded by aliens and not the kind who yell "Ariba, Ariba" and wear Sombreros.
I hope you've enjoyed this enhanced version of the best March Break ever.
Dear citezens of the GTA.
Great news.
Next year it will not snow.
What you say. No snow. How? Why? WTF?
All good questions. The reason I can safely say next years snow fall will be minimal is that I've decided to buy a snowblower.
Yes I made the decision yesterday when I begged a neighbor to let me use theirs. "Ah," I thought, this is the way to go. I can let a "machine" do all this shoveling.
So about halfway through my driveway I made the decision.
Remember yesterday afternoon? How the snow magically stopped and the sunshine shone brightly across our fruited plain?
Well that was just a taste of what to expect once I actually purchase a snow-blowing machine.
Yes the good times are just a spring/summer/fall away.
Last week I featured the extraordinary talents of my Nephew Simon G and his cool students video.
Today I give you the Giant Brain of Sara G.
Sara recently won a prestigious law school thing called the Gale cup. It's a huge deal and she was part of the winning team.
This is good news for all Glass-people as one day soon we will have access to a full-fledged lawyer at only a fraction of the price!
This just in. More snow and below average temperatures for the next couple of weeks.
Excuse me?
Didn't the Ground Hog miss his shadow indicating an early spring?
Yes he did is the answer.
Yes he did.
Just one more beloved institution that is no longer reliable.
I would love to linger here and leisurely blog away the day but I have a grown-up meeting that I have to attend and because of the snow it will take me one hour and a half to get downtown.
I wonder if the Ground Hog would like to ride shotgun?
Markets are plummeting. There's something you don't want to see too much, plummeting markets.
That means your savings have plummeted too.
I'm no economist(did you know that?) but I'll bet that markets have plummeted before and rebounded.
My non-economists advice? Unless you were retiring today don't panic. (If you are I'd just you like to know how we're all going to miss you around here. Drop by sometime and bring us some Timbits.)
Buy. Hold. Live long. And Prosper.
Oh btw. Last night my indoor U14/15 girls soccer team lost.
Coach Ed and Coach Rob's team beat us 11-9.
No big deal. It was just the FIRST LOSS OF MY 07-08 SEASON!
(Watch out New England, it can happen!)
I love YouTube. I was searching for something I read about called "Mini-sodes," basically minature clips of TV shows edited down to 3-5 minute episodes, when I came stumbled across something much better.
A video of a Dog trying to mount another dog, getting bored with that and taking matters into his own paws.
You know if keeps doing that he'll go blind. I mean he's already grown hair on his hands.
I had several e-mails about me or me and Fred replacing the Jack Fm morning that was gassed this week.
I'm/we're not.
Maybe Fred is. I don't know.
I know that I feel bad for those Ben and Kerry guys cause getting fired sucks.
Here is a look at their funny TV spot.
Media peon, Humble Howard announced today that he has been authorized to make a bid for BCE and will throw his beanie into the ring alongside Telus.
Vice-President Randee Rosenthal, said "Why are you bothering me" when HH asked if he could buy Telus.
Insiders see this as the perfect synergistic situation and could save Canadians thousands of dollars in the coming years.
Actually insiders said, "Who is Humble Howard?"
Other insiders said, "I think it's that guy that used to work with the sock-puppet."
While another insider remarked, "How did he get our number?'
Still Humble Entertainment made a bid of 1600 dollars to buy BCE and hopes to be considered alongside Telus's multi-billion dollar offer.
Humble Entertainment stock was unchanged after this announcement. In fact it may have actually gone down on rumors that CEO Howard Glassman is "losing it" and might have to step down after this years AGM if Q-4 numbers don't increase.(Whatever that means.)
(Not actual HHDotcom numbers but an incredible simulation. Actual numbers too embarrassing to display.)
Yesterday was the single biggest day in the history of HHDotCom.
I know why, I think.
For nearly 6 days I wasn't able to post anything due to a mysterious Server Issue-and you people were nice enough to keep coming back to the site to see if it was fixed.
In fact you came back again and again and I had a record day in terms of visits.
Funny how for the last 7 or 8 months I've been trying to pump out all this different content.
Humour, human interest, pathos, contests, book excerpts and gripping personal information.(Last week I admitted to being a Meth addict and I gave out my secret Meth-name!)
But none of that generated the kind of numbers that Not-Posting anything did.
Wow.
If I'd known I could have had more people come to my site if I didn't put up anything new, I would have stopped writing months ago.
I wonder if that would have worked for me on the Radio. I could have had a show and actually gotten better numbers if I didn't show up.
Oh no they've tried that and so far, not so much.
At any rate thanks for the bump in traffic but unfortunately for my stats, I am going to resume my little posts and just have to suffer through the reduction in visits.
Well now, I guess it's going to be a rough couple of days for Jerry Falwell. You see JF is about to meet G*D and it may not go as well as he might have liked.
For year Jerry made a living turning religion into politics and preaching a sermon of hatred against any number of fellow humans. Homosexuals, women who wanted abortions, other religions and just about anybody who didn't think exactly like him. What a great guy.
Here's just part of his "legacy."
Fond of quipping that the Bible referred to "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," Falwell provoked a storm of protest when he said gays, lesbians and health workers who provide abortions were partly to blame for the September 11 attacks.
"I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians ... all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say: you helped this happen," he said.
Yes these are going to be a few tough days for Jer cause he's about to meet his maker and I'm guessing that won't go so well.
JF: Well I'm here, let's get started with an eternity of blessed light next you and your son.
GD:Just hold on a second there buckaroo. Did you really say gays, lesbians and health workers caused the 911 attacks? Hey Moses get over here, that idiot I was telling you about who had a beef with the Teletubbies just died and is in my office.
JF: I don't understand don't you hate Homo's and Liberals and Jews and A-rabs?
GD:(Starts to giggle) Hey Mohamed, get in here, you too Jesus I want to meet this guy. Listen Jerold I'm just curious where did you get all this hatred from?
JF: Well uh, I uh, in the Bible.
GD: (Stares at him in disbelief) Really. You got all this hate from my book? Well that's quite an achievement. Hey Jer, here's a news flash for you, it wasn't meant to be taken literally, any nitwit can see that.
George Carlin summed it up best: "Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."
(Not my potato salad but an incredible simulation.)
Jamie Oliver is that English dude who says the F word a lot and makes some cool dishes. No, not Gordon Ramsey the Hell's Kitchen chef whose also English and says the F word every time he opens his mouth. I watch Jamie O on the Food Porn Network and he always makes me think,"I could make that!"
Well last night I did.
I picked up a mammoth hunk of Schwartz's smoked meat on the weekend and decided to try his potato salad recipe with it.
Normally I can't stand potato salad but this was very good and simple.
Here it is.
OLIVE OIL AND LEMON JUICE DRESSING:
2 tablespoons lemon juice
5 tablespoons good quality olive oil
1 level teaspoon salt
1 level teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
I used these little new potatoes and he says the secret is to throw in the dressing while the spuds are hot.
It was delicious.
Fact is I love Schwartz's smoked meat so much I could have been eating a side dish of cardboard salad and it would have been fine.
Cardboard Salad.
Cut up some hunks of cardboard.
Toss in a bowl.
Eat.
I'm really looking forward to this and I'm very honored to be asked to be part of this amazing event. Something other than pimping my book and telling the world about Slime!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Contact: Adrienne Clarke
Friday, January 26, 2007 Manager, Public Relations
Tel: (416) 928-2500, Ext. 284
TTY: (416) 964-0023
Email: aclarke@chs.ca
“Humble” Howard Glassman Named
CHS “Deaf” for a Day 2007 Provincial Chair
TORONTO, ON – The Canadian Hearing Society (CHS) announced today media personality “Humble” Howard Glassman as the new Honorary Provincial Chair for its signature awareness event, “Deaf” for a Day 2007.
“I’m really excited to be a part of such a unique event, “said Glassman. “I’ve made communication my career so I know how important it is and how frustrating it can be when it breaks down.”
Each year across the province CHS hosts “Deaf” for a Day as part of Hearing Awareness Month (May) and has welcomed the likes of Barbara Budd, Carolyn Bennett, Tyler Stewart, Jim Creeggan and Marnie McBean. The event challenges local celebrities to experience first-hand what it is like to live with a hearing loss. Participants have their hearing artificially blocked and are asked to complete a routine task – opening a bank account, ordering a meal – while trying to overcome the communication barriers faced every day by people who are deaf, deafened and hard of hearing.
“We’re thrilled to welcome Mr. Glassman as our new Chair,” said Kelly Duffin, CHS President and CEO. “His profile and commitment to what we do will build on the success of ‘Deaf’ for a Day 2006 and make for an exciting event in 2007.”
A radio host, author and former stand-up comedian, Glassman has been heard on the airwaves from Vancouver to Toronto and is best known as one half of the “Humble & Fred Show” which he created with radio partner Fred Patterson in 1989. He has also appeared on television on CTV’s long-running “The Dini Petty Show” and as the straight man in the campy CityTV cult classic “Ed’s Night Party.”
The Canadian Hearing Society has been dedicated to eradicating communication barriers faced by people who are deaf, deafened and hard of hearing and promoting hearing healthcare since 1940. It is the largest agency of its kind in Canada, employing approximately 440 people who deliver 17 programs, from audiology to interpreting services through 28 regional and area offices.
Visit our website at www.chs.ca
Visit “Humble” Howard Glassman at www.humblehoward.com
Check this out in today's Star business.According to a report by ReMax Ontario, if you bought a Toronto home 25 years ago, you've done well.
The average price of an existing home rose by a compounded annual rate of return of 5.6 per cent a year over that time frame, or 290 per cent.
According to ReMax, the average price of a Toronto home in 1981 was $90,203, rising to $351,941 at the end of 2006. Pretty interesting since the price our of homes is the number 1 topic of conversation among anyone who owns a home.
I couldn't find this online but in the paper there was another interesting tidbit about the old CEO of home depot and the new guy.
The story was talking about the new guys compensation vs the former boss.
The new guy, Frank Blake made a nice $8.9 million. Not bad. Probably live quite nicely on that. Except when you compare that to the outgoing CEO Robert Nardelli. His last year he made $37.9 million, which is why they fired his ass out of there.
Executive compensation has long been a point of contention in the corporate world and Home Depot' investors finally had enough and got rid of Nardelli in favor of the cheaper Blake.
That's be a funny conversation.
Home Depot: Well we'd like to hire you but we have a budget now so don't expect too much.
New Guy: How bout $8.9 million.
Home Depot: Okay. But not a penny more.
I wouldn't worry bout the former boss, as part of his separation package he'll receive $210 million in compensation and benefits.
Wow. Sucks not to be him.
Posted by Humble on January 25, 2007 @ 09:51|Permalink
Tomorrow is the Big Day
My server's been down all day and is now back thanks to genius Mike Boon!
Just a reminder that Monday is the day. Humble and Fred's 2007 PodCast of Hope goes live
at 9am Eastern. www.HumbleandFred.com.
Listen and enjoy and then tell all your friends.
Do it. I promise you won't be very disappointed.
Speaking of friends...here's another shot of one of my MySpace Friends. She seems very nice.
I'll bet she'd want you to listen. Don't even think of disappointing her.
The Humble & Fred Message of Hope 2007 Podcast.
Yes sir that's what this thing will be called and I encourage all of you to check it out Monday January 22nd starting at 9am.
It is funny.
It is foul.
It is full of fun, frivolity and some other words that begin with F.
Oh yes, there's also a bonus RAW track that is riddled with swear words and heinous sexual concepts that will finally reveal the real Humble and Fred show. The show you didn't hear all those years. The show we did while the music was on. I think you will find it somewhat revealing/interesting/immature.
6 more sleeps, that's all.
Monday January 22 we're proud to present... The Humble and Fred all new Radio Podcast Message of Hope 2007
Yes more history will be made. More dick jokes will be told. More profanity will be used and more Other Radio People will be mocked.
Pencil us in for 9am Monday January 22 at HumbleandFred.com.
You may very likely will not be disappointed more than a bit.
(Music)
Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee-(Serious horns, maybe Trumpets!)
Good Day people, the HumbleHoward.com storm center is officially underway.
We'll be updating traffic constantly, looking at school closings and following this nasty weather that has struck unmercifully at the city's very heart!
Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee-(More serious horns)
Radio Station live for days like this. All of a sudden Radio trumps all other media. Newspapers were printed hours ago, Television is clumsy and not portable but Radio is the perfect tool to accompany and guide us through a weather crisis.
It's what Radio does best. In fact when you hear how good and vital and fresh Radio sounds on day's like this, you wonder why it's not like that all the time.
Radio station's like CFRB and 680 News and 640 are just loving this.
When a big storm hits or some other local phenomenon that's out of the norm those are the destination stations. I always knew that while I was on the air and so I went into total mock mode. The Humble and Fred Storm Center was always ready to jump into the Full Coverage fray even though our "Newsroom" was just me and Fred and Bob and whoever was doing our news.
I used to love these days too. They made trying to find something to talk about just a little bit easier.
Good luck today and remember to come back to the HH.com Storm Center 3,4,5 a day for
Traffic and Weather on the 1's and the occasional shot of my MySpace honeys!
The countdown continues here and
now find out what this is all about here.
Mike Boon did a great job of blogging about a real fun day. Enjoy the read and make sure your with us at HumbleandFred.com Friday at 9 eastern. I promise it'll give you the warm, fuzzy, old fashioned H+F Xmas you've come to know and like.
Seems FP and I've have created quite a ruckus. There's a word you don't hear too often, Ruckus. It's like broohaha or rumpus room. Anyway.
Seems a few of you are interested as to what the hell is happening at this site.
I love a mystery as much as the next guy, but I hope that if there's something like a Christmas show in the works, those of us in Toronto get enough notice to come on down and support you guys! :)
Posted by: AF
I'm excited as the next HHF fan, I know you guys want to give a all a suprise, but could you tell us what "it is not"?
Posted by: Rob
Are Humble & Fred hosting the morning show on DaveFM in the K/W area? This station does not currently have a morning show, so Don Burns and Allan are reuniting for the morning show on Dec 20 & 21. Could H&F be hosting on the 22nd?
Posted by: Richard
what???live audio streaming...when???in nine more sleeps....who???humble and fred of course....why???because we all miss you guys on the radio...where???at humble and fred dot com.....
am i close??????
Posted by: Kelly
This is killing me! Need to know. Is my morning commute saved? Do I have a radio station to listen to again? Are you and Fred merging your websites into one? Hints, man, we need hints!
Posted by: Megan
Okay, here's a hint. We'll tell you Monday what it is and what it is not.
You may have heard about this story yesterday. I was in Buffalo yesterday when some Buffalo-style-blaze broke out in the downtown core. We go there now.
I was being interviewed by my new pal Jon May at Fox 29 and he asked an interesting question.
"What do Torontonians think of when we think of Buffalo?"
I gave him this answer," We have a good opinion of the people but not so much the city."
I thought this was somewhat true and diplomatic.
Of course when it comes to Buffalo this what also comes to mind.....
We all like to think we're more responsible for the outcome of sporting events than we really are. I mean if not, then why do I have a lucky Tiger Woods Bobble-head that has helped him win 12 majors and most recently his 8th Player of The Year Award.
Last night I was at the Leaf/Lightening tilt(yes I said "tilt") at the ACC and they won for the first time in 7 games. Coincidence? I think not. What, I just show up and the magic happens? Yes this is what I believe. Sad, huh.
I was there hanging with my pals The Trucking Legends from Segway, Lil John and Vinny B. We were wining and dining one of our major clients Tom Roberts from DHL. Man you never saw so much butt-kissing in your life! Hey it's easy to do cause Big Tom's such a great guy.
I work a little for both companies, for DHL I'm in charge of the Moose Jaw operation and for Segway I'm mainly in charge of making sure Big Tom's happy and I'm also a special VP in charge of Whore Procurement.(Long story...mainly just a joke.)
Well It's happened. The Men have risen up and taken a stand. At least these men have.
"Someone on this site once told me Canada has been infiltrated with feminist propaganda and misandry. I never heard of "Humble" Howard Glassman until I saw this article in the Toronto Sun.
They go on to talk about what a dick I am for putting out such trash and suggest maybe I have breast cancer. They are pissed at me for The Slime That Men Do and their premise is the stories are probably made up and I'm one of those "scum ball neutered males that use feminist-created man hatred to make money"
I had no idea. I wish I would have thought of that.
Hmmmm using man-hatred to make money instead of just some funny/strange/bizarre-sometimes sad tales of dating and relationships to bring people a chuckle or two and to raise money for The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation.
I will respond to these dude soon and let them know that the next book after the next will be called The Slime That Women Do to Men and..........To Each Other!
The money for that can go to Breast and Prostate Cancer research.
As I said yesterday, for the first time the Slime is in a book and not just on my computer.
Sometime early next week the book will leave Chapters warehouse and be delivered to stores in Toronto and by the end of next week, hopefully, across the country.
Have a peek at the cover art.
