The Humble Report

Wind is a tricky thing to read when you're flying.
The harder it blows the tougher it is to maintain the centre line and subsequently to land on the pavement.
In any plane you simply point the nose into the direction of the wind and then use your rudder to keep the plane tracking the centre of the runway. You sort of come in sideways or "Crab-like" and then kick the nose over just before you touch down.
It's quite common to see smaller planes do this as most are only certified for a15-17knot crosswind. Believe me in a Cessna that is a honking breeze. (Yes I said honking.)
You don't see it as much in larger planes as they are heavier and don't have to "Crab" as much.
But sometimes they do.
Check this clip out. The Airbus was about to land, dragged his wing along the ground for a second and then aborted the landing. He apparently went around again and landed safely.
I know a few passengers that made poopee pants during this episode.

Posted by Humble on March 4, 2008 @ 07:24 | Permalink

A recent report says the holidays may be killing some of us. Canada sees around 160 more deaths from heart disease during the holiday season than any other time of the year….some of those just from having to lug a thousand pounds of presents from your house to a relatives…. And by the time you’re done…. you’re happy to die

This is the beginning of the 12 days of Christmas. Which means if no one gives you a partridge in a pear tree today, you can pretty much forget the rest of the crap on the list

NORAD is already reporting activity at the North Pole. NORAD says Santa is getting to work early this year because of security concerns as he tries to travel the whole world in one night You get the idea that since the cold war ended NORAD hasn’t had a whole lot to do ???

Evel Knievel is suing Kanye West for impersonating him in Kanye’s video for “Touch the Sky”, Evel says he ripped off his look and he doesn’t want his image associated with that filth. Kanye hasn’t responded yet but, he wouldn’t be the first person surprised to find out that Evel’s even still alive???

Lindsay Lohan tells People magazine that she’s been in AA for a year now, however she could only admit to People that she hasn’t had a drink in seven days….and even worse… her sponsor in AA is Johnny Walker.

And finally, CBS has the second last episode of Survivor: Cook Islands….as we prepare for Sunday’s night’s three hour finale…. Which we’ve been looking forward to since that one tubby guy….okay I’ll stop right here and tell you I haven’t watched one episode of this drek. In fact I’m paying much attention to any of this junk anymore. Is this the show where they eat bug-poo or is this the one where the British guy makes everyone cry?

Posted by Humble on December 14, 2006 @ 08:39 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Canada’s Tax Agency is ordering a review of its computer system called Secure Channel because of potential problems with it not being secure. The system cost $600 million but that could easily rise up to a billion. Hmmm isn’t that interesting… and no one at the tax agency thought that hiring the same company that installed the gun registry’s billion dollar computer system… was a bad idea WHY? That’s because the rest of aren’t smart enough for government work.

Firefighters in some Connecticut communities are being trained how to get horses out of a burning barn and one of the most important things is to close the barn doors once they’re out so they don’t run back in!
Apparently horses not quite as smart as we may have given them credit for


This week Clint Eastwood will unveil his new film Flags of Our Fathers at the Tokyo Film Festival. The movie is about the bloody World War Two battle between U.S. and Japanese forces on the island of Iwo Jima. It was shot in Iceland, which apparently looks a lot like Iwo Jima except for the snow and the no Japanese people.

A study of people in Britain and the U.S. has found that taller people make more money. As a matter of fact on average they make $800 U.S. more per year for every extra inch in height they have. Apparently they studied only NBA players and midget wrestlers???

Posted by Humble on October 17, 2006 @ 09:53 | Permalink

Pot activists in Canada say the pot grown by the government for medicinal purposes is too weak, hard to light and doesn’t help with their medical problems. Isn’t that just great it shows you what a mess government is-they can’t even grow pot properly something even Pot Heads have managed to master.

Yesterday was the final Liberal leadership debate in Toronto, and it was weird after the events of last week-it became a big argument over… who loves Israel more


The St. Louis Cardinals got quite a game out of pitcher Jeff Supan the other night who pitched 8 innings and even hit a home run….and that’s rare for a pitcher to hit a home run…. Although you’d think they’d have the best chance of recognizing… a good pitch when it was coming for them


The World Gymnastics Championships are on this week in Denmark-yes I know “thank goodness for the PVR”. Anyway Denmark is the perfect spot because I know after I’ve had a few Carlsburg… I’m feeling pretty limber and ready to jump over things while carrying long ribbonny things.

Posted by Humble on October 16, 2006 @ 08:24 | Permalink

Did you know that Triskaidekaphobia is fear of Friday the 13 not to be confused with Triscuitdekaphobia -fear of Triscuit crackers

The Nobel Peace Prize will be handed out today and you can’t always tell who they’re going to pick the only safe bet right now is George W. Bush won’t be winning


Tonight on TV NBC has Deal or No Deal….and this continues to be a top twenty show.
Why do you think?
Is it the cash?
The suspense? Howie Mandel or is the smoking hot models?
If you said Howie I’m guessing your either into man-love or you able to give birth.

ONE: Tonight NBC has the debut of One Versus One Hundred, where one contestant takes on 100 people in a trivia contest.
Kind of like playing Jeopardy against everyone else in the bar.


And finally it’s Friday the 13th and the suggestion to ward off bad luck on this day is to take any stockings with holes in them to the top of the highest building around and burn them.
Course if you do that you’ve got bigger problems than just warding off bad luck, to start with your kind of an A-Hole and b) if you answer any question with “I just got back from the CN Tower where I burned a stocking that had holes in it”
…maybe bad luck is the least of your problems.

Posted by Humble on October 13, 2006 @ 15:31 | Permalink

The world will hit back at North Korea over their alleged nuclear test with sanctions including stopping any military equipment from being shipped into North Korea.
Isn’t that something we should have stopped… oh I don’t know… at the end of the Korean war ???

Tonight the CBC brings back On the Road Again. This is the show’s 20th season as they travel across Canada meeting ordinary Canadians doing extraordinary things…tonight they’re in Trout Lake, Northwest Territories meeting people….who’ve decided to keep living there instead of moving somewhere nicer…. Truly extraordinary

Ellen DeGeneres and her partner Portia de Rossi are planning a commitment ceremony for next June. There’s the perfect example of the lesbian version of that old “What's she doing with Him?” thing you say when you see a really hot girl with some normal looking dude.
This is better. Most of you know why. It just is.

Tie Domi now says in court documents that his estranged wife was spending money like crazy and they were on their way to losing their house. Which I guess is Tie way of explaining why he started to fool around with some rich chick?
Hey I needed to have sex with Belinda just to pay my rent!

Posted by Humble on October 12, 2006 @ 09:04 | Permalink

More than 80% of Canadians believe there is a strong connection between education and success in life, the other 20% didn’t do well in school and answered the phone at their parents home because that’s where they still live

The Volvo has been voted the best car for sex according to a poll in Britain…..68% of those surveyed have had sex in a car and one in ten claim to have done it while driving…
Funny cause I just got a Volvo a week ago and even though it's an automatic, 98% of the time I have the urge to shift my own gear.

Donald Trump has a new book out called Why We Want You To Be Rich, which gives people sound advice on how to become rich.
Pretty simple right?
Step one be Donald Trump.
Step two, see step one.
Repeat.

New research has shown that a cure for the hiccups is…. Putting a finger up your own rectum. Maybe that’s why George Bush never has the Hiccups, imagine having your whole head up there.

Posted by Humble on October 11, 2006 @ 08:17 | Permalink

Hey new people...read the joke then hit the button. Fun.

A Canadian senate panel has said the Harper government needs to do a better job of explaining the mission in Afghanistan, I guess this would be the Canadian Senate Committee on Obviousness???

The Canadian government has written off $258,000 that’s gone missing from the canteen at the RCMP Training Academy. Isn’t that just great several graduating classes and none of them could even solve the first case they came across

In Regina on the weekend the Rolling Stones played two shows although admittedly things got a little ugly on Sunday night, with lots of older fans showing up after Thanksgiving dinner with their pants unbuckled


There were reports that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie made up last week which I could give two craps about…unless they made up on video.
Nicole: Paris I was wrong.
Paris: No Nicole It was my fault. Let’s tongue kiss.
Nicole: Okay, maybe I’ll just feel you up at the same time.

Posted by Humble on October 9, 2006 @ 19:18 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Today at noon they’ll hold the ceremonial tapping of the first keg to open Octoberfest in Kitchener,…Or as it’s sometimes known as Tapping the Bung-Hole” Isn’t it fun to go around yelling “Its time to Tap The Bung-Hole?”
Am I that immature?
Isn’t Tapping The Bung-Hole just about the most obvious Gay-Euphemism you’ve every heard? Wouldn’t it be more fun if it were called a Cooze_Hole? I think I’d rather Tap That!
Do you think I should just get off of the whole Tapping the Bung-Hole thing and just have you hit the sfx?
Okay.

Waldo McBurney was working this week in Quinter, Kansas. The week that he won the award as America’s oldest worker. Waldo is a beekeeper who is 104 years old, and he’s so old back when he was born… Waldo was a popular name.

In Regina they’re trying to figure out what to do about the Stones concert tonight and again Sunday. They want to make sure Keith Richards doesn’t break any laws with his smoking, some believe if he smokes on stage during the show,,, he’ll be breaking the law. Yeah forget about the fact that in between song he’ll be jabbing a heroin needle into his eyeball!! Let’s just make sure he doesn’t smoke!

And Finally the NHL kicked off it’s 89th season this week and while they’re hoping for more success in the U.S. they are concerned that people will be turned off when they find out that the shootouts… don’t involve guns.

Posted by Humble on October 6, 2006 @ 08:39 | Permalink

Click on the thing in between stories for that "realistic" Humble Report experience.

An 85 year old woman in Toronto bought a ticket for the lottery and then had a dream about the numbers… so she went and bought… another ticket with the same numbers…. Both tickets ended up winning her $16 million!!
Well isn’t that great? 85 huh…perfect. Now she can quite her job Wal-Mart greeting and go on that round-the-food court trip she’d always wanted.

A 21 year old bride to be from Utah was kidnapped by her parents so they could drive her to Colorado and try and talk her out of getting married…
Sounds like my wife’s mother, except she tries to kidnap her again every year on our anniversary.

Hockey Night in Canada makes it’s debut tonight….with the Leafs and Senators and then the Oilers and Flames…..of course the Leafs and Senators played last night and of course the Leaf lost.. but I guess when you have 30 games against one opponent in the season… you want to try and get as many of them out of the way as fast as you can.

And finally a new British web site came on-line yesterday… it’s called iPoems and allows people to download and listen to poetry for people who want to load their iPod up with stuff with that no one else will want to hear!

Posted by Humble on October 5, 2006 @ 08:21 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Okay let's see how this will work today. I'll put in the story, you hit the thing and it should work.

Tie Domi is accused of violating a restraining order when he showed up at the family home on Friday night…although it’s expected that Tie will argue in court that he did not understand the restraining order because it had a lot of big words in it like… restraining and …. Order and stuff

Mark Foley quit Congress last week after it was revealed that the Congressman from Florida…. Had sent lurid and sexually suggestive text messages to young male pages working on the Hill…now Foley has committed himself to re-hab for what he says is a drinking problem. Yeah that’s what that is, whenever he drinks he gets all horny and text messages young male pages!
Like to read that text. “Hi, it’s me Congressman Mark, ya wanna touch my pee pee?”

CTV has the Dancing with the Stars results show….and tonight it’s one hour long! “Hey, let’s have a Dancing with the Stars results show party!”
Again, words that will never be said by me out loud.
Oh sure, I’m thinking them that’s a given.

Newsworld has a special on the Equator. The Equator is so conceited. You know what I mean…it always acts like it’s the center of our world… like, seriously…. Get over yourself!

And Finally Spalding has created a new basketball for the upcoming NBA season that they say will give more consistency… from ball to ball….and while I didn’t know that there was a problem with ball consistency, I’m glad they took care of the problem. I just wish I was at Spalding for the meeting where the phrase “Ball consistency” was being discussed.
“Okay we need to address this ball consistency problem and this time guys, try and curb the giggling!”

Posted by Humble on October 4, 2006 @ 09:14 | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm still trying to work out the bugs but in the meantime this might be fun.
You read the story then hit the link...it's the actual sfx from my show. The problem is it goes away from the page so you'll have to come back to the site. You'll figure it out.
Soon my man Boon tells me this won't be so clunky.

A Liberal MPP in Ontario wants a new law banning kids with a driver’s license from talking on a cell phone, text messaging or fiddling with their MP3 player while driving….and while that may seem a bit harsh…. We have enough adults on the road, talking on a cell phone, putting on lipstick and that old classic Picking their Noses Like their windows are One Way Mirrors to make the roads dangerous already. The Humble Report

All this week in cities across Canada it’s… Random Acts of Poetry ….poets in at least 27 cities have signed on to wander out in public this week and just start reading poetry to people. Like that won’t be too annoying!
Yeah that’s all good and well in say Vancouver or Toronto but I’d love to be there after some poet drops some prose on a Cowboy out in Calgary.
“Well son that was right nice..now how bout we try and find something to Rhyme with Me kicking your Ass!”
The Humble Report

Bob Woodward goes after the Bush Administration in a new book called State of Denial. President Bush has already lashed out at the contents of the book complaining that it doesn’t have enough pictures or any space left for coloring or stickers.
The Humble Report

In Regina they’re trying to figure out what to do about the Stones concert this Friday …. they want to make sure Keith Richards doesn’t break any laws with his smoking or his heroin or his non-stop drinking or his bathing in battery acid…
Here’s a better question. Who booked the Stones into Regina? Is this their “There must a few people left on the plane who haven’t seen us tour!”
The Humble Report

Posted by Humble on October 3, 2006 @ 07:52 | Permalink | Comments (1)

As always add your own big-voiced The Humble Report after every story.

The Belinda Stronach and Tie Domi affair continues to haunt the gossip pages….and it’s funny because Belinda had seriously considered running for the Liberal leadership and then she could be PM while he would be what?? The first Guy who Used to get a lot of Penalites. Can’t you just hear him talking to Laura Bush. “Hey your last name makes me giggle!”

A bit of a controversy has erupted over the Pope’s comments criticizing Canada for same sex legislation.
Well that makes perfect sense cause the Catholic Church wouldn’t want men having sex with other men now would they? Unless of course one of them was kind of young and cute and worked around Alters!

A 74 year old mayor of an Arkansas town has been charged after he threatened to cut off the water to the homes of some local women if they didn’t have sex with him.
Question: Aren’t he and all the local women related.
Answer: And that would matter in Arkansas Why?

Harry Hamlin was kicked off Dancing with the Stars the other night which was only upsetting to him because… Jerry Springer is still on the show.
What is really upsetting? Somehow this knowledge may be replacing something more important somewhere in my brain.
Here’s a conversation I’m never going to be in.
Anyone: Hey Howard, did you watch Harry Hamlin get kicked off Dancing with the Stars?
Me: Yeah what a rip! I PVR-ed it, ya wanna watch it again!

Posted by Humble on September 29, 2006 @ 13:59 | Permalink

I mentioned yesteray a few people missed hearing this so I thought I'd give you a little flavor of a bit I did from time to time (how about every day) on my show.
Add the big voiced THE HUMBLE REPORT after each story.

Ontario wants the Federal government to scrap it’s plan to scrap the GST rebate for American tourists…. Getting rid of the rebate will save the Federal government $79 million dollars…and the Ontario government is arguing that we need the rebates to attract tourists. Which is a little sad. “Yes, come to Canada for our majestic vistas overcharging and gouging and then we’ll send you some of your money back later…”

Liberal MP Belinda Stronach says she’s the victim of a double standard because if she were a guy the media wouldn’t be nearly as interested in the story about her busting up Tie Domi’s marriage.
Doubt it…In fact if she were a guy dating Tie Domi I think Canadians would be more than a little interested. Too bad for Leaf fans that Domi wasn’t going out with a good young defenseman!

This evening, Showcase has the season premiere of The L Word…..this is a show that’s all about “lesbians” and isn’t it funny how it’s turned out to be much more popular with… men… than the producers had imagined… I wonder why that is ?? I would just like to say it may be the best show ever produced. It should have its own channel.

And finally tonight ABC has the debut of Ugly Betty, about a homely girl who goes to work for a fashion house.
This is based on the original Colombian show called “Yo So Betty, La Fea” which means ”I’m Betty, the Ugly” Which strangely enough is how I’ve been introducing myself for years. Yo So Howard La Fea!
Buenos’s Dias Mi Amigos’

Posted by Humble on September 28, 2006 @ 09:05 | Permalink | Comments (5)

A few people have written me and mentioned they miss hearing this so now you can read it and just add THE HUMBLE REPORT after each story yourself.

New research has found that people who smoke menthol cigarettes have a harder time quitting than people who smoke regular tobacco…Especially if the smokers are trying to quite during a cold. Oh come on, we all know that menthol cigarettes are great if your nose is running and your stuffed up. Silly.

A University professor at U of T has won the right to smoke pot on campus. The professor smokes up to 10 joints a day for an undisclosed illness and he has permission from the government to use pot…..now the school has provided him with a place to smoke his dope. Yah cause he’s the only one smoking pot on campus. Excuse me; it’s a university, EVERYONE’S SMOKING POT ON CAMPUS.

Hamilton, Ontario has been named the 16th best place to do business in Canada according to Canadian Business Magazine.
It would have ranked higher, but you know, it’s Hamilton.

Tonight Barbara Walters will have an exclusive interview with the wife of the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin….and Barbara rushed to Australia to conduct the interview on the weekend because the woman just lost her husband… so she’ll be a snap to make cry.
Course it’s hard to tell whether it’s Barbara or not these days considering that Gauze and Vasoline they have to slap on the camera now to make her look like she’s not 92!

Posted by Humble on September 27, 2006 @ 11:48 | Permalink | Comments (1)